The crown of limerick glory

crownAs I type this post I have flashbacks of the time I ran for student council in the 10th grade and was a total failure.  I think maybe a few friends and my English teacher voted for me.  Being elected or not elected is not a fun process because, unless you are a captain of self-esteem, it’s easy to tie victory or defeat to your self worth.  This of course is just a silly limerick contest, but I still don’t want anybody to take out a prescription because they didn’t do as well as they hoped.  And for the record, *I* loved all the limericks and that’s why I picked them!  🙂  (Don’t worry, Molly, we’ll do it again sometime.  If anyone has ideas for a great topic, let me know.)

Guess what?  We have TWO winners!!  They were only separated by one vote, so I decided the glory should be shared.  I know you think I’m lying just like you do when  your kids have a race or a contest or something and they ask, “Who won, Mom?” and you smile and say “It was a tie.” So to exonerate myself from any foul play, I have now released the results to your view if you want to click on the poll results and see for yourself.

And the winners are: Becca and The Queen!  Here are their respective limericks about the joy of going to church with small children:

We’re coming in five minutes too late,
in clothes that my children all hate.
They’re squirming and squawking,
the first speaker’s talking,
why must the front bench be my fate?

My twin girls climb all over the place;
Now my dress is undone to my waist.
I guess that’s why Bishop
Looks like he might throw up.
Wish this closing song had a quicker pace!

Congratulations.  I know that all your dreams of being published and inheriting international fame have all been surpassed by this monumental victory.  Send me your mailing address in an email (or facebook– yes I know both of them in real life, which only proves that I associate with people of the highest calibre) and your chocolate prize will be on its way.  They have also obtained a high-profile spot on my sidebar.   Angelina Jolie has nothing on you ladies.  Big lips and 10 children… hmpph! … amateur.

Update: Can anyone with WordPress knowledge please tell me how I can make the text in my sidebar actually have paragraphs instead of one huge lump of text? I’m guessing I just need the HTML equivelent of “return” on my keyboard to plug into my sidebar text widget. Help… over my head. (Thanks, Crystal!)

(And as a side note, as I’ve visited friend’s blogs, in some cases I’ve noticed that my blog in their sidebar has not updated itself for several days, so be sure that you have resubscribed to the new feed if you want to get the lastest and greatest from Diapers and Divinity.  I joke of course… my stuff is usually late, but rarely great, but it brings me joy to see you come anyway.)

And isn’t General Conference fantastic?  I’m loving it.  (See previous post if you need a packet to keep your kids’ attention.)

April Fools. Which limerick rules? (Ah, sweet poetry.)

Okay, so we made the domain switch today to http://www.diapersanddivinity.com, so here’s hoping that worked fine.  If you’re reading this, you’ve obviously found me here.  Hooray!

Limericks.  The important business of the day.  It was so fun to read your entries as they came in.  You’ll have to go back to the comments to read through all of them, but here were some of the laugh-out-loud highlights for me:

  • Shantel’s son Porter showing his bum at Family Home Evening, and someone peeing on her in Sacrament meeting
  • Jen and the lady who’s kids are tossing cheerios at church
  • DeNae and her completely-off-topic, but nevertheless very noteworthy limerick
  • Marianne and the fear of FHE
  • InkMom’s awesome also-off-topic but very clever limerick about morning sickness
  • The Queen, because who can’t relate to your kids crawling all over you and dislocating your skirt at church?
  • Tay, with the Star Wars screaming, wiggly little one
  • Erin with the dreaded front row disaster
  • and Becca with the harried late arrival stories

Phenomenal, ladies.  You did me proud.  After much deliberation (and actually stressing myself out about picking my favorites but then reminding myself, “Steph, this is a dumb contest anyway.  No one cares about being on your sidebar, and they already have a stash of chocolate hidden on the top shelf of their corner kitchen cupboard (right?), so just get over it and pick a few you like!),” I chose the following finalists for the Diapers and Divinity Limerick Contest:

Because I can totally relate to the whole arriving late at church dilemma:  Becca

We’re coming in five minutes too late,
in clothes that my children all hate.
They’re squirming and squawking,
the first speaker’s talking,
why must the front bench be my fate?

And because the concept of inside voices is totally foreign to my children, plus because her last line is awesome:  InkMom

Inside voices sound just like air raids
When Sacrament silence still pervades.
Deacons pass water;
Kids muzzled by father;
Goldfish are Reverence’s band-aids.

Because she captured the universal frustration of family scripture study:  Jen

Family scriptures – if we’re talking ideally –
Are meant to be spiritual. Really!
You say that you’re yelling?
The whole thing is smelling?
Then you’re just like the rest of us, clearly.

Because she clearly debates the same issues I do each time Family Home Evening rolls around:  Marianne

Once again it’s time for FHE
My baby is crying for me
My husband is late
My 3 year old’s irate
How dare I turn off the TV?

And finally, because her Sacrament meeting scenario just made me laugh:  The Queen

My twin girls climb all over the place;
Now my dress is undone to my waist.
I guess that’s why Bishop
Looks like he might throw up.
Wish this closing song had a quicker pace!

So pick your favorite in the poll below.  Please don’t feel the need to take this too seriously.  You can select more than one if you have multiple favorites, but you can’t vote for the same one multiple times.  And unless this contest is very, very important to you (?), don’t feel compelled to run a full-on internet campaign to collect votes.  🙂  I’ll close out the poll at the end of the week and announce the winner.  Thanks again everyone.  Fun times!

I have written a limerick below to share some of the joys of our trip home on the airplane today:

In the future I won’t arrive late,
Because the seats that are left are NOT great.
One kid’s on row 4.
One’s by the back door,
And the other is row 28.

“Would you mind sitting here on the aisle?”
They want to behead me, but smile.
So they all move around,
and we finally sit down.
This should be a fun 2000 miles.

The flight actually did go quite nicely,
Thanks to our electronic devices.
We’re home and I’m tired.
The kids are all wired.
And to do it again, I’d think twicely. 🙂

Get your limerick groove on.

This post is in honor of Jen at Jen’s Jingle.  She occasionally hosts a limerick contest that is quite delightful.  The winner of her contest gets a coveted spot on her sidebar as “the greatest limerick writer of all time.”  Perhaps you did not know that I wrote poetry.  (wrote= past tense)  Once I had a poem published in the Friend magazine.  I know, have you seen the high calibre of children’s poetry that they publish there?  I also won some kind of state-wide-ish poetry competition in elementary school.  I have no recollections of poetry in high school, and that actually brings me great relief, but I resumed writing poems in college.  I actually had poetry published in a literary journal.  Twice.  But it was in Spanish.  Don’t get too impressed, 95% of Spanish words rhyme with each other.  I’m actually a much better poet in Spanish than I am in English.  I think the language lends itself to more detailed expression.  But, I digress.  So Jen’s most recent limerick contest was about swimsuit shopping.  (I saw you cringe.) And I won! Prepare yourself for a deep, literary experience:

Swimsuit season is coming in sight.
But shopping for suits? What a fright!
My butt’s a sedan.
Maybe I should go tan;
or is cottage cheese meant to be white?

Whoever won the Nobel Prize for Poetry this year is so stabbing his eyeballs with sporks totally jealous right now.  You do know that if I had any pride at all, I would not be sharing this with you, right?

Anyway, Jen got a little jealous (who wouldn’t?), and wants a chance to write a great limerick to rival mine.  So I am hosting my very own limerick contest right here.  Since my blog is all about Diapers and Divinity, the contest will embrace a related theme.

Your humorous limerick should be about Motherhood and one of these three topics:

  1. Family Scripture Study, or
  2. Sitting in church with children, or
  3. Family Home Evening

(If you don’t have children of your own yet… ahem, Kristina… I’m sure you can make fun of mothers and kids you’ve seen sitting in church.)  Here is a quick refresher course on how to write a limerick:  It is a five-line poem.  Wikipedia explains it like this:  “The standard form of a limerick is a stanza of five lines, with the first, second and fifth having nine syllables and rhyming with one another, and the third and fourth having five or six and rhyming separately.”  (Please don’t count mine too exactly or I may get the grand prize recalled.)  Example:

So is anyone listening to me?                 9 syllables, rhyme A
We are reading the Bible, you three!    9 syllables, rhyme A
Sit down!  And stop hitting,                   6 syllables, rhyme B
a migraine I’m getting!                           6 syllables, rhyme B
It’s like preaching to three chimpanzees.     9 syllables, rhyme A

Deadline:  Let’s say March 31st

Judging:  I’ll post up my favorites on April 1st.  (Remember that’s the day I stop showing up on your RSS feeds, so you’ll have to come find me the old fashioned way… actually typing out www.diapersanddivinity.com into your browser (or clicking on the link) and then re-subscribe/reset your RSS feed.)  Then if I’m feeling super tech-savvy, I’ll put up a POLL and you can vote for the winner.

Grand Prize:  Well, for one thing, your limerick will win a position of honor on my sidebar for at least a month.  Plus, I think I’ll send you some chocolate, because let’s be honest, it’s the best thing almost-no-money can buy.

So get writing ladies (and gents in the minority); hit me with your best shot of good rhymes and funny times!  Enter as many as you’d like.  Fill the comment box with stuff that makes me smile.

Oh, and oh! Have you seen the giveaway this month at Mormon Mommy Blogs?  Get yourself on over there.  (If I knew how to put that in really, really tiny unreadable print I would.   Because I want to win. But I’m not that blog smart.)

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Reminder:  As of April 1, this blog will be hosted solely at http://www.diapersanddivinity.com (”wordpress” will no longer appear in the URL).  When that change takes place, the old feed will be reset and you will need to go there yourself and subscribe again (for the LAST time, I promise).  Any previous RSS feed will no longer work.