Goals. And trying. And failing.

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I like New Year’s resolutions. They do feel like a fresh, new start. And with the exception of a few superhuman individuals, the rest of us don’t always accomplish our goals with the same kind of perfection we intended. You know what? It’s fine. Really. Fine. The trick is to not be such a perfectionist that we abandon goals completely because we don’t like doing them less than perfectly. Sure, we can be more “perfect” by having fewer goals, but growth comes from the effort–from the stop and go, from the oops and up again, and from analysis and course correction.

My sister recently asked me about diminished motivation when goals start going sour, so I did a little research and found some great talks and articles that might be helpful in rekindling your goal-fire.

First, President Uchtdorf shared a recent New Year’s message called The Best Time to Plant a Tree. He says a lot of great things there, but this was one of my favorites:

“Another thing we need to remember when it comes to setting goals is this: We almost certainly will fail—at least in the short term. But rather than be discouraged, we can be empowered because this understanding removes the pressure of being perfect right now. It acknowledges from the beginning that at one time or another, we may fall short. Knowing this up front takes away much of the surprise and discouragement of failure.”

See? Permission. Here are a few more great talks to study, and some quotes from each.

Elder Ballard’s talk Keeping Life’s Demands in Balance reminds me to keep my goals in line with true priorities and treat those successes as the most important.

Many people have heavy demands upon them stemming from parental, family, employment, church, and civic responsibilities. Keeping everything in balance can be a real problem.

A periodic review of the covenants we have made with the Lord will help us with our priorities and with balance in our lives. This review will help us see where we need to repent and change our lives to ensure that we are worthy of the promises that accompany our covenants and sacred ordinances. Working out our own salvation requires good planning and a deliberate, valiant effort.

In Because of Your Steadiness, Pres. Eyring is mostly talking about home teaching, but he reminds me that a little more attention can help my efforts move from occasional to more consistent.

You may have learned endurance playing a trumpet, or throwing a football, or riding a bucking horse, or drawing a picture. But you learned what we all did. Effort only “now and then” didn’t take you far. The dreams that turned into reality stuck with you nearly all the time. You worked at them, either in fact or in your thoughts, every day and almost every hour.

President Uchtdorf is a master at reminding us to get up, get over it, and move on. In You Can Do it Now, these words encourage me to keep working on my goals for my own growth and not worry about the rest:

No one likes to fail. And we particularly don’t like it when others—especially those we love—see us fail. We all want to be respected and esteemed. We want to be champions. But we mortals do not become champions without effort and discipline or without making mistakes.

Brethren, our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward.

Finally, the talk Stay on the True Course by Elder Carlos Asay reminded me that I am more likely to be successful if I keep my eyes on the Savior and trust that when I do fall, he will be quick to save and get me on my feet again.

The need to remain focused on eternal goals is illustrated in the biblical account of Jesus walking on the sea and Peter’s desire to do the same. Peter progressed over the water so long as he looked to Christ. But when he diverted his gaze away from the Master and allowed fear and doubt to enter in, he began to sink. … We must reaffirm the goal that matters most and press toward it “looking forward with an eye of faith” (Alma 32:40).

So if you’re in a mid-January state of disappointment, pull out your resolutions again, get on your knees again, and get back to work. And give yourself permission to repeat the process as needed. I think we might be doing better than we give ourselves credit for.

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GCBC Week 11: “Desire” by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

I loved this talk by Elder Oaks.  He laid out an excellent framework of the connection between our desires, our choices and our actions.  It made me take a good look at what I really want and how well those priorities are reflected in the life I live.  It’s a real thought-provoking message.

“Desire” by Elder Dallin H. Oaks

What did you learn from this talk?  Share your thoughts and conversation in the comment thread below.  If you’re new to GCBC, check out the club here.

GCBC Week 7: Of Things that Matter Most

“Of Things That Matter Most”
President Dieter F. Uctdorf
Second Counselor in the First Presidency

This talk is a perfect sequel to Elder Christofferson’s talk about consecrated living that we just read last week.  President Uctdorf reminds us what to focus on, and he communicates with testimony and example the same principles from King Benjamin that “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.”

This was one of my favorite talks from conference.  It made me realize that when I feel overwhelmed, I tend to react in a counter-productive way.

“If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.”

I’m learning that the joy comes from the basics:  from choosing them, using them, and focusing on them.

Plus, this talk has one of the greatest laughs from conference, where President Uctdorf jokes about always speaking about airplanes.

Did you all receive your general conference edition of the Ensign in the mail by now?  I love to curl up with mine by the fire.  I felt full-blown famous when I realized they published my quote on p. 128 about you guys and what we do here.  I can’t think of any issue I’d be more excited to be a part of than the general conference edition.

So, how about you? What are your favorite moments or quotes from this talk?  Is there anything you learned here that you had not considered before?  What stood out to you as you studied it?  And, most importantly, what did it make you feel or want to do?

Lazy eye

I’m no vision expert, but I believe a lazy eye is when one eye is misaligned, doesn’t focus simultaneously with the other eye, and loses its ability to see details.  It’s an analogy for how I’ve felt ever since I got back from our vacation.  February here is quite bleak, especially compared with Florida.  Part of me knows exactly what I should be doing around the house and in pursuit of my own personal goals.  Another part of me– the lazy eye– just doesn’t feel like it, and would rather do lots of other non-productive, low-effort things.

My back yard has looked a whole lot like this the last week or so:

And all I want to do is sit by this:

And watch or read this:

I KNOW I should do this (except with more clothes on):

and a lot more of this kind of stuff:

But I’ve felt so lazy, and I’ve been allowing myself to become distracted.  It’s easy to be distracted– sometimes by my own cares and moods, sometimes by lesser things.   But it’s a yucky feeling because I can do so much better, and it’s much easier when I’m consistent about doing the things that inspire me.  So, I’m recommitting myself to this (fast forward video to about 5:30 for the most applicable points):

So, yeah, February kind of bites, but I’m powerful.  God has asked me for “an eye single to His glory,” and when I focus on what matters most, especially with BOTH eyes, He makes me fit for whatever life requires of me.  Anybody else out there struggling with focus right now?  Let’s reclaim our wandering eye together.  I declare today the last day of my funk.

General Conference Book Club Week 2: Elder Bednar

A warm welcome to many of the new friends that joined in the Book Club conversation last week.  I hope you stick around for the whole ride.

I wanted to start this round with one of my favorite talks from General Conference.  It offered many answers to my own prayers about how to best prioritize my time and efforts, especially in regards to my family.  Elder David A. Bednar gave this talk, “More Diligent and Concerned at Home,” during the Saturday morning session of conference.  He emphasized three important keys to achieving eternal goals in our families:

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  1. Express love— and show it.
  2. Bear testimony— and live it.
  3. Be consistent.

Those suggestions in and of themselves were enough to remind me of some important things I needed to hear, but the rest of the talk is excellent.  I look forward to reading your comments and insights.  You can find the talk here:

To read “More Diligent and Concerned at Home”

To watch or listen to “More Diligent and Concerned at Home”

If this is your first visit to GCBC, and you’d like to know how it works, click here.

(and a little p.s.:  Thank you for your sweet comments and suggestions the other day as I was suffering from my temporary post-conference funk.  My parents came to visit, I successfully carried out several long-overdue home organization projects, and I had opportunities through my calling to teach and bear testimony, and all those things helped me get my “groove” back.  That old adage “Forget yourself and get to work” does wonders.)

Oh, and tonight’s the last night to submit a lullaby for the poetry contest, so get composing. 🙂

This too shall (come to) pass.

I want to talk about stages of life.

Since early 2003, concepts like “personal space,” “alone time,” and “R&R” have only been dreamed about.  Fantasized, even.  Small children are parasites.  They cling on you, suck the life out of you, and basically consume you– blood, sweat and tears.  Of course, they’re also darling little bundles of spirit and light that shape our souls like nothing else, but that’s not the point of this post.  Mothering small children is hard.

Today was the first day of school in my neck of the woods.  Early this morning, Grant got up and excitedly got ready for his first day of first grade.  He gathered all his stuff (and made a weird face when he was supposed to say cheese).

DSCF0081We all went outside and waited at the neighborhood bus stop with a gaggle of school-goers and their siblings.

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Then we went back inside and began loading up Clark’s backpack with all the goods he would need for his first day of kindergarten, half day in the afternoon.  He and Natalie played nicely together for most of the morning and we had a little lunch and readied him for his big moment.

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He was the most excited about finally riding the bus.

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And he was off.  Natalie and I walked inside and she was ready to begin “Mommy School.”

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We hopped in the car, went to the store, purchased cupcake ingredients, zipped back home, and made pumpkin cupcakes for the boys’ first day after-school snack.

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She finished dumping the batter into cupcake liners, washed her hands, and I put her down for her afternoon nap.

The house was quiet.  I paid bills.  I made phone calls.  I signed up the boys for swimming lessons.  I checked email.  Fifteen minutes before the afternoon bus returned my boys, Natalie woke up from her two-hour nap.  We frosted the cupcakes and went outside to wait for her brothers.

They arrived, happy and excited.

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Natalie proudly shared her surprise.

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They told me about their day, called grandparents and repeated themselves several times, and we took a trip to the library.  Now they’re all in bed, asleep.

It. Was. Awesome.

Ladies and gentlemen, I did it.  I graduated to a new stage.  A stage I thought would never come.  I now have some free time every day.  I have quiet.  I have personal space.  I could take a nap!!

So, I just wanted to bear my testimony that the stages in life you long for really do come. Did I feel a twinge of regret about the things I probably should have done with them, the things I should have taught them better, all those years while they were practically surgically attached to me twenty-four hours a day?  Yes, I won’t lie.  But mostly, I got an unexpected lesson about my stewardship, and realized that with this new stage comes a new level of accountability.  All those important things that have been left undone for years because “there’s just no way” need to become part of my new reality.  Either that, or I’m a hypocrite.  I need to be responsible with the time I’ve been gifted and use it in ways that make me proud and still bless my family.  My “calling” as a mother is still the same, and I need to hold tight to my priorities now more than ever.  I don’t want to waste my new-found freedom.

And some day when I hit other stages, like all my kids at school all day, or they’re off to college, or Matt’s finally retired, my responsibilities will rise to the occasion.  A few scriptures come to mind, including, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven, ” and “It is not requisite that a [woman] run faster than [she] has strength, … therefore, all things must be done in order.

So, this is basically a rally-cry to all you Stage One moms:  Stage Two really will come! And to all you Stage Two moms:  Let’s do this right! And to all you Stage Three and Four and Five moms:  I hate you. Just kidding.

The stuff we suffer will pass.  The stuff we hope for will come to pass.  Stages in life are good.  They are tangible markers of the progress of our souls.  I hope I leave a good mark.

“Hopefully you will find joy in your womanhood during all stages of your life.”  — James E. Faust

“The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life.”  — Richard G. Scott

Priorities and empty wells, or why I need blog rehab.

My inner voice has been nagging me a little bit.  It should.  This quote by M. Russell Ballard has been on my mind lately:

Women-drawing-water-“Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children.”

You know how you nag your kids over and over about the same things, and if they would just do it your life (and theirs) would be much easier?  Well, that’s where me and my inner voice are right now, except that I am the disobedient child.  (And by the way, let’s give credit where credit it due:  my inner voice is not that bright; it’s really the Holy Spirit–the way God talks to me when He’s trying to get a message through.)  So I need to do an all-out better job of this replenishing business.  My kids deserve that from me and I deserve it for myself.  But there’s a catch, and I’m just starting to get it.

The word replenish means “to make full or complete again, as by supplying what is lacking, used up, etc.”  (Three cheers for dictionary.com).  For me, the only real way to replenish myself is to read my scriptures and pray more sincerely.  I’ve been allowing myself to get distracted by other things, even good things, and some of that replenishing has been left for the 11:00 p.m.+ hour.  And then, big shocker, I fall asleep.

Here’s my mistake:  I’ve been replacing replenishing with refreshing  (wow, that was very alliterate of me).  Clarification– I’ve been trying to do things that refresh me instead of things that replenish me.  I just figured out that to refresh is kind of like spraying a cool mist in my face, but to replenish is to drink deeply.  One makes me feel better, but the other heals me.  Does that make sense?

Case in point: this blog.  The purpose behind it is to help other moms (and myself) remember and recognize the divinity in motherhood.  It has been a “refreshing” outlet for me, but I cannot achieve its purpose or any of my other purposes if I am not sufficiently “replenished.”  So while things like blogging, or reading a book, or spending a gift certificate on a new pair of shoes might really give me a lift and get me through a rough day, they do not heal me.  I need to go to the source, the living water, if I really want the strength to do what I should do and be who I should be.

Then last month, I was reading an article in the August Ensign about the spiritual dangers of excessive online gaming.  I thought it was interesting in a very I’m-glad-I-don’t-have-that-problem kind of way.  It had a little quiz you could take to determine your level of addiction and I skimmed through it.  It occurred to me that if I replaced “gaming” with blogging or facebooking or dinking around online, I might be in trouble, so I payed more attention.  Behold (and beware) the quiz:

Am I Addicted?

A good measure to use when determining the value of a hobby is if it adds to or takes away from your sense of balance. Healthy activities help you feel revitalized, refreshed, and ready to tackle your challenges. Destructive activities leave you feeling drained and empty inside and less able to cope with the struggles of real life. Destructive activities also tend to leave you feeling compelled to continue rather than feeling in control of your decisions.

Although there is no specific test for addiction to online gaming, the following are factors that, taken together, may indicate an unhealthy involvement or addictive tendency.  [my own edits are in italics]

  • • Do you play compulsively?
  • • Do you play for long periods of time (often longer than you had planned)?
  • • Once online, do you have difficulty stopping?
  • • Do you play as often as you can?
  • • Do you sneak or violate family rules in order to play, even when facing punishment or loss of privileges for doing so? [or try to slip away from activities with your kids so you can check your email?]
  • • When you are not playing, do you obsess about the game, plotting and planning your next opportunity to play?  [do you not pay attention to something happening in your family right now because you’re drafting a blog post in your mind?]
  • • Do you sacrifice real-world things for your online world?
  • • Is your gaming negatively affecting your relationships with family members or other non-gamer friends? For instance, if you are a parent, does it cause you to neglect your children’s needs? If you are a child, does it cause you to distance yourself from your parents and siblings?
  • • Do you consider other online gamers (even those whom you’ve never met in real life) to be among your best friends? [Okay, I actually feel fine about this one because my answer is “yes,” but they are an added blessing to my real-life friends and I think it’s one of the blessings of a blogging community.]
  • • Is your school or work [or housework] suffering because of the time and energy you spend gaming?
  • • Are you having a difficult time [fulfilling your responsibilities like your calling or visiting teaching] because of the extended break from the game that will naturally result?
  • • Do you neglect personal hygiene?
  • • Have your sleep patterns changed since you became involved with online gaming? Are you staying up extremely late or getting up in the middle of the night to play?

So… um… yeah, that hurt a little.  There’s nothing worse than realizing there’s a part of you that’s exactly like the other people you judge (admittedly not right, either).

Anyway, I am recommitting myself to my real priorities.  I love my blog and I’m not going to abandon it; I’m just going to be more focused and come up with strategies to help me prioritize and use moderation.  This other quote from M. Russell Ballard will be my focus:

“Pray, study, and teach the gospel.  Pray deeply about your children and about your role as a mother.”

Anyone care to join me in your own tailored challenge to replenish?

(confession: part of this post is recycled from a year ago, but I needed to hear it again. Oh, and the image is from who.org)