Tag Archives: funny

Momsensical Mad Libs Mania

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Thanks to those of you who played along with Friday’s Mad Libs post.  (Yes, even impatient AmberWaves. :))  Here’s the text you can use to plug in all your answers.

Job posting: Motherhood

WANTED:  One (1) lady to work full time as mother in a (2) household.  Job duties include:

Doing laundry (3) for at least (4) people in a washing machine the size of a (5).

Coming up with something to cook for dinner every night even when you only have (6) in your cupboards.

Cleaning the house until the floor’s so clean you could (7) on it.

Bathing and dressing children.  (Experience working with (8) is very helpful.)

Creating and maintaining a discipline plan to ensure that children (9) (10).

You don’t have to do it all alone.  You could also make a (11) chore chart and sit back and watch while the children (12).

You should probably be paid about $(13) an hour for this work, but you’ll do it for free since it makes your heart say “(14).”

(15) people need not apply.

Oh, and remember that in heaven, you’ll get lots and lots of (16).

Just for fun, I picked some of my favorite answers among all of your entries and put together a communal job posting that brings a smile to my face.  I linked each term to the clever lady who provided it.

Job posting: Motherhood

WANTED:  One ridonkulous lady to work full time as mother in a primal household.  Job duties include:

Doing laundry wistfully for at least 47* people in a washing machine the size of a tractor.

Coming up with something to cook for dinner every night even when you only have garlic, almond extract and brown sugar in your cupboards.

Cleaning the house until the floor’s so clean you could germinate on it.

Bathing and dressing children.  (Experience working with sea lions* is very helpful.)

Creating and maintaining a discipline plan to ensure that the children bemoan, tease and howl cheerfully.

You don’t have to do it all alone.  You could also make a polka-dotted chore chart and sit back and watch while the children laugh.

You should probably be paid about $99 an hour for this work, but you’ll do it for free since it makes your heart say “Whoa, Nelly!”

Beautiful people need not apply.

Oh, and remember that in heaven, you’ll get lots and lots of babies.

(*Thanks to Jan and Atzimba for their clever answers even though I didn’t have a blog link for them.)

So, what do you think?  Would it be fun to do it again sometime?

Motherhood Mad Libs

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Let’s play a little game, shall we?

Just respond in the comments below, and come next week, your words will weave a hilarious story.

Ready, set, go.

  1. adjective
  2. adjective
  3. adverb
  4. number
  5. thing
  6. 3 food items/ingredients
  7. verb
  8. animal (plural)
  9. 3 verbs
  10. adverb
  11. adjective
  12. verb
  13. number
  14. Interjection/Exclamation
  15. adjective
  16. plural noun

(Here’s a cheat sheet if you’ve forgotten all your grammar terms.)

Triple Scoop

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Three delectable bite-sized posts.  Well, kind of bite-sized.  If you have a big appetite.

1. I may be solely responsible for the superbacteria phenomenon.

Many of you think I am organized.  After all, I have all those charts and schedules and semi-compulsive planning habits.  I don’t know how to break this softly, but they are an illusion.  A mirage.  I have and do all those things BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A BRAIN.  I’m forgetful, scatterbrained, often unfocused and usually off-schedule.

SO. I am entirely incapable of following the instructions on the prescription bottles.  When the paperwork says, “Administer this antibiotic twice a day for ten days and MAKE SURE YOU FINISH THE WHOLE TEN DAYS or you shall be thrown into a pit of lions who have communicable diseases,”  it might as well say, “Every time you give this medicine, make sure you catch two electric eels and harvest their organs.”  It’s THAT hard.  I forget at least one dose a day.  Then after about 4 or 5 days, when the kid is better, I forget they’re even supposed to take it.  Then I remember a couple days later and give them one or two doses that should hold them over until I remember again.  (Just last week, I took all but 5 Amoxicillan pills for my own strep throat.  Then I forgot to pack them for my Disney trip. So about 10 days later when I could feel a sinus infection coming on, I started retaking my last five pills.  Now they’re gone.)  I KNOW.  I totally agree there’s something wrong with me, and that is why I’m apologizing for making the world unresponsive to antibiotics by using them incorrectly.  (As a side note to calm any rage you might be feeling –especially if you have a medical background– I looked up some multi-alarm timers online yesterday that old people use to help them remember to take their pills.  Yes, it’s come to that.)

2. What did you call me?

I have never been a terms-of-endearment girl.  Even as a wide-eyed single adult, I hated hearing couples calling each other “sweetie” and “honey” and don’t even get me started on names like “peaches” or things that end in “-poo”.  Seriously?  I’ve softened up over the years and use some of these with my children, especially the -poo ones if I really want to get their eyes rolling.  But Matt has always been Matt.  And I’ve always been Steph.  And I’m TOTALLY fine with that.  However, lately –and I don’t know if this has to do with his new light-hearted look on life since he graduated from law school– he’s started calling me “Momma,” or “Mama,” but really does the spelling matter?  Um, what?  Since most of my readers are women, I don’t really need to get into why this might be an unwanted nickname.  So, I gently broke him the news the other night when he said something like, “Hey, Momma, you wanna bring up my cell phone charger when you come upstairs?”

I tried to make him understand that his little pet name made me feel like this:

or 

So he wants to know what he should call me.  I guess Steph is getting old.  I told him I’d blog about it and ask my wise readers.  If you suggest anything with -poo in it, you’re henceforth banned from my blog.

3. P90X and the family effect

After 3 1/2 years of work by day and law school by night, Matt put on a few pounds.  Now he’s determined to get them off and bought that P90X system, which is an intense 90-day workout plan accompanied by nutritional advice.  So in an effort to be supportive, I went and bought all the ridiculous groceries on his list (soy sausage patties?  Really?) and we’re all trying to eat more healthy.  One night we had chicken breast with honey chile sauce and mixed vegetables.  Last night was island pork tenderloin with baked asparagus.  Well, I think the whole program will have quite a transformation in our family since our children won’t eat ANY of it.  I think P90X should use this picture on their next before-and-after ad.  What do you think?

Before: 

After:

If I worked at Google search, I’d think I was the only normal person in the world.

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According to my stats, these are phrases that people typed into search engines (like Google) and were then directed to my blog.  I’m a little confused about what’s going on in people’s minds.

what lipstick to use to conceive boy

shriveling kidney ultrasound

shock treatment lullaby

keyboard chastity

lindt truffles are unhealthy

my mommy’s going to jail

play games for hate mothers

rhyming diaper advertisments

diaper pee final exam

i totally ignore my appearance

diapers during electro shock

urinary tract infection comics

And I’m a little more confused about what this says about my blog.  Maybe I’m a little more dysfunctional than I thought.

If you have a stats program, what are some of your favorite queries that have landed on your blog?  And if you don’t, what kind of Google search terms do you think would direct people to your posts?

If you haven’t laughed yet today …

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Here’s your chance.  Either read this or yesterday’s post.  That gives you a choice between laughing at me or laughing at people who are funny on purpose.  (Click on the comics to see them better if the font is too small to read.)

1.  Do you feel like maybe this flu season is out to get you?  Like you have as much chance of surviving it as the dinosaurs did of surviving giant meteors/flood/ice age/whatever it is that squelched their existence?

2. I was an avid dog lover growing up.  I worked for a breeder mucking out dog kennels to earn a puppy of my own.  My kids keep begging me for a pet, but I have less patience for it now.  Dogs are stupid.  And I already have toddlers.

3.  And finally, my favorite.  My husband graduates from law school within the month, assuming he gets his final paper done.  I already told him last night I’m not speaking to him for six months if he doesn’t finish, so hopefully that will work to guarantee his graduation.  In the meantime, this gave me a genius idea of how to generate income to pay off his outrageous students loans that will soon kick in.  I bet you wish you’d thought of it before, too.  I forsee a revolution among us bloggers.

(Credit:  I pulled all these comics off of Yahoo! Comics this week.)