I have been experiencing a lot of frustration in the mornings. Like the kind where I wonder if my children have brains?
In order to earn “ticket time” (30 min. of TV, Wii, or computer games) after school, they have to complete a list of tasks in the morning before they leave for school.
It’s not hard stuff, people, and it does not matter when they wake up, we are still scrambling to get out the door on time. It makes me crazy. Every time I check on them, they are doing something else. “Oops. I forgot,” after I bark an order to get back on task or we’re going to be late. “I can’t find my homework.” “Why didn’t you put it in your backpack when you were done?!” (like I’ve reminded you every. single. time.) “Can I just have lunch money today? I don’t have time.” “No. I told you last night to make your sandwich before you went to bed, and you’ve been playing with stuffed animals for the last 10 minutes.” My Facebook status the other day said, “Teaching my children personal responsibility may be the death of me.” I’ve been wondering:
Why can’t they seem to handle simple tasks that would make their lives (and mine) so much easier? It’s not like I haven’t taught them. They have an easy checklist, for heaven’s sake.
I blog about different things for different reasons. On occasion, I blog about something simply because I have a fire in my bones and I need to let it out.
Cue fire. Cue bones. Cue outlet.
Let’s talk about pornography, shall we?
This article was written as an opinion piece by a BYU student. I’d like to highlight a few parts of her message:
Someone once told me, “Prophets don’t talk about pornography for fun.”
In the past five years, hardly a session of General Conference has passed without the brethren warning about the dangers of pornography. They have reason to warn. Pornography creates a shattering ripple effect impacting the viewer and surrounding. …
In 2010, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Tragically, the same computer and Internet service that allows me to do my family history and prepare those names for temple work could, without filters and controls, allow my children or grandchildren access to a global cesspool of perceptions that could blast a crater in their brains forever.”
The ease of access to pornography through the internet has led to a dramatic increase of consumption and acceptance in society despite its negative effects. …
This is one area in which we simply cannot be complacent. We must be involved in the fight because it is no longer a question of if this will affect you, but when.
Ralph Yarro, a former Novell executive and anti-pornography advocate, told the Church News in 2007, “Wake up. Apathy will kill you here. If porn hasn’t touched your life already, it is going to rip huge, gaping holes in it.”
There’s more, so go read the full article. It’s a topic that’s been on my mind anyway, but this has left me with a taste in my mouth. Not bitterness, really, just … well, fire in my bones. I have been blessed so far to not be in the direct line of fire of Satan’s sledgehammer, but its reach is far and wide. I’ve seen it pound down hard on people I know and love. Good people. And once the shattering has happened, it’s a slow and painful process to heal. I want to state that I know healing is possible because I absolutely believe in Jesus Christ and I believe there is no darkness that He cannot dispel and fill with light. I believe in Him, so I believe in repentance, and I believe in restoration. Having said that, this whole business really makes me want to punch Satan in the face.
We have a huge problem in our families with pornography and the influence that it is having in our families. The powerful feeling that has been coming over me is, “Sisters, fight—fight, sisters.” You have the responsibility in your homes. Many of our women are being drawn into this behavior also. At our last general conference, President Thomas S. Monson gave “a word of caution to all—both young and old, both male and female.” This is our responsibility.
When I heard her say this, I felt the Holy Ghost. This is part of our call as “lionesses at the gate” of our homes. Even with our best efforts, this plague can affect our families, but it must be in spite of our best efforts. The danger is too great to be ignored.
I quote some prophets:
Spencer W. Kimball: “Members of the Church everywhere are urged to not only resist the widespread plague of pornography, but as citizens to become actively and relentlessly engaged in the fight against this insidious enemy of humanity around the world.”
Ezra Taft Benson: “The prophet Lehi also saw our day in his great visionary dream of the tree of life. He saw that many people would wander blindly in the mists of darkness, which symbolized the temptations of the devil. (See 1 Ne. 12:17.) He saw some fall away “in forbidden paths,” others drown in rivers of filthiness, and still others wander in “strange roads.” (1 Ne. 8:28, 32.) When we read of the spreading curse of drugs, or read of the pernicious flood of pornography and immorality, do any of us doubt that these are the forbidden paths and rivers of filthiness Lehi described?”
Howard W. Hunter: “Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed. One who does not control his thoughts and thus commits adultery in his heart, if he does not repent, shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear (see D&C 42:23; D&C 63:16).”
Gordon B. Hinckley: “While the matter of which I speak was a problem then, it is a much more serious problem now. It grows increasingly worse. It is like a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful. I speak of pornography in all of its manifestations. . . . The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you.”
Thomas S. Monson: “Pornography is especially dangerous and addictive. Curious exploration of pornography can become a controlling habit, leading to coarser material and to sexual transgression. Avoid pornography at all costs. Don’t be afraid to walk out of a movie, turn off a television set, or change a radio station if what’s being presented does not meet your Heavenly Father’s standards. In short, if you have any question about whether a particular movie, book, or other form of entertainment is appropriate, don’t see it, don’t read it, don’t participate.”
Want to read more? Go to http://conference.lds.org and click on the Search button. Click on Advanced Search, type the word “pornography” and click the little box for “President of the Church.” You will be given hundreds of references where living prophets have spoken out against the plague of pornography.
Since I can’t actually punch Satan in the face, even though I really, really want to, what can I do? What can you do? How can we fight? Feel free to fill up the comment box with good ideas, good organizations, opportunities to fight, small ways to make a difference, support for those who are in the claws of this stupid beast, whatever moves you and will encourage others. I’m not in the mood for despair or anger or bitterness, so let’s find ways to do what’s right and fight.
Here are my own ideas and suggestions. I am not a professional. I’m not even a stellar wife or mother. But I have ideas and a desire to make a difference– at the very least, in my own family.
TO A MOTHER: Talk openly with your children about pornography and its potential for harm. Most men who are addicted to pornography are exposed to it at an early age. Help them to understand Satan’s role and its opposition to Heavenly Father’s Plan. Carefully choose a way that is age-appropriate to talk about what pornography is. Maybe terms like “pictures or movies of people who are naked or very immodest” and “showing people touching the private parts of bodies” are a good place to start. After your discussions, when your daughter or son won’t look at the bra section of the store because they think it’s “pornography,” don’t worry about them being a little over-reactive. Congratulate them for trying hard to keep their mind clean. This is not about teaching people that the body is dirty; this is about helping children learn how to recognize and resist danger. An excellent (and doctrinally sound) resource for teaching about sexuality in general can be found here. Be a prude in monitoring family media intake, and don’t be ashamed of it. Embrace your role as a guardian of virtue. And be honest about it with your children. “I changed the channel because the clothing was immodest and they were joking about sex.” I love that Elder Holland quote (above in the article) about blasting a crater in your brain. Matt recently taught the young men in our ward that pornography is the equivalent of dousing your spirit in gasoline and setting it on fire. There will be that much pain, and that much scarring. President Hinckley told mothers to teach their children to avoid it “like they would the plague.”
TO A WIFE: If your husband has a heartbeat, he struggles with this on some level. The world is cruel to him in its blatant temptation and oppressive titillation. If he watched the Super Bowl, he’s seen pornography (for heaven’s sake, don’t get me started). Talk to him about it. Ask him how he’s doing: What can you do to help him? What steps can your family take to help him feel protected? What measures does he currently use to avoid the temptation? Be prepared to feel threatened a little as you learn what a real struggle it might be for him to stay unharmed by the storm. Cling to each other a little tighter. Express your love for him and your desire that he remain clean. Encourage him to fight the hard fight. Pray for him, and pray together. Talk about your covenants and go to the temple often to remember them and reconnect to them.
TO A WOMAN: Don’t hesitate to speak out against pornography when you see it. Talk to store managers and write letters to TV providers and companies. Express disapproval for that which is wrong. Don’t be afraid to call a sin a sin. Don’t fall into the trap of watching shows and movies or reading books that are only a little bit bad. Steer clear of inappropriate media, period. If you have the bandwidth to participate in organizations that fight the pornography industry, do it. If you have money to contribute to the cause, give it. Find something within your grasp and … grasp it.
TO A WIFE WHOSE HUSBAND IS ALREADY ADDICTED: I am sorry. I mean really, really sorry. Some of the previous advice will apply, but so much of the recovery will depend very much on your husband’s ability to repent and make changes. Work closely with your ecclesiastical leaders and qualified professionals. All I can do is share a few resources that I am aware of. And I can bear you my testimony that the pornography problem is not your fault. While there may be things you can do to improve your relationship, your husband has fallen into a trap set by Satan, plain and simple. The trap does not have to be a death sentence for your husband or for your marriage. Seek out counsel and comfort from the Lord; He will help you to follow the right course. No matter what, it will not be an easy course, but I know He will help you.
Available Resources: (I cannot possibly recommend what will be the best for you and your situation. Seek the Lord’s help and use the spirit of discernment as you research out possible tools to help in your recovery.)
Here is a link to a project that is raising funds for a film called “Shamed-A Documentary Feature Film.” It will address how shame and misconceptions about pornography and sexual addiction are huge obstacles in addicts coming forward and finding healing. http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/141091137/shamed-a-documentary-feature-film
Sites or resources that others have mentioned in the comments of some of my previous posts:
I just want to conclude with something else I know to be true. Satan is powerful, but goodness is more powerful. We have the power within us to withstand temptation and fight against evil. We do. So though the storm rages and the sledgehammer swings down upon us, the rock of our Redeemer will help us to stand. Mothers, unite! This is an army I’m proud to be a part of.
Traditionally, the prophet is the final speaker during the Sunday morning session of general conference. It’s always exciting to hear what is the message that the living prophet will teach us. It’s funny how we sometimes expect to hear something new and exciting, but the Lord uses his mouthpiece most often to remind us to lay hold upon doctrines that have been taught many times before. There is power in this kind of repetition, though. I always feel like the prophet is helping us to focus on what really matters most. He points us to the doctrines that most have the power to save us, to protect us from the current ills of society, and to prepare us for the challenges to come. I’m so thankful for a living prophet, and I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God.
President Monson’s message explores some of the shifting values of our world, and then testifies:
“Although the world has changed, the laws of God remain constant. They have not changed; they will not change.”
” I declare to you, however, that there is nothing which can bring more joy into our lives or more peace to our souls than the Spirit which can come to us as we follow the Savior and keep the commandments. That Spirit cannot be present at the kinds of activities in which so much of the world participates. . . .
As a means of being in the world but not being of the world, it is necessary that we communicate with our Heavenly Father through prayer. He wants us to do so; He’ll answer our prayers.”
How have these principles, and others he taught, blessed your life? What changes do you feel like you can make to better heed the prophet’s counsel? Share your thoughts or insights in the comments below.
To anyone who is checking out GCBC for the first time, the goal is to read one General Conference talk a week and discuss it together as an on-line “book club.” If you want to learn more, go here, and join the discussion here each week.
After all those serious posts the last few days about how January bites and the world is falling apart, I realized that those of you who just started visiting recently probably think I’m kind of a downer. I’m lucky enough to know that most of the rest of you who have been around for a while know me a little better and can just roll your eyes and think: She’ll be over it in a couple days.
So here’s a report about some things that are making me happy lately.
Last weekend, we went to St. George. Matt took the kids and hung out with his dad, and I stayed by myself all day to write. I’ve been working on a book for a while, but I really needed some alone time to catch up. It was wonderful. I learned so much and wrote a lot, and honestly felt the Spirit a lot. It was a great dose of invigoration.
I’m sure a small part of my writing success was due to having these on hand:
Next: I like to give parties. I am not a really good party giver because I never take the time to scan Pinterest or Google for ideas to make my parties all they could be. I don’t really decorate or craft or do much of anything for parties because I kind of feel like great company is what makes a good party (plus I’m lazy). I just like to create an excuse for people to get together and then I like to enjoy those people. So for the last two years, I’ve planned some kind of girls’ night out for February (probably to recover from January). These February girls’ nights seem to have a recurring theme. Last year, a group of us went to see the play Persuasion at BYU. And eat of course. The year before, I did something I loved in Minnesota called a J.A.M. party: A Jane Austen Marathon. It was so fun, and since I obviously don’t get sick of Jane Austen, I’m going to do it again this year. So if you live near Happy Valley in Utah, or are willing to drive that direction, you’re officially invited to J.A.M. Party 2012. Here is a geographical hint. (I’m so cryptic.)
The party is not actually in this building, because, well, that would just be silly, but it gives you an approximate location. It will be February 24th. We will watch Persuasion, Sense & Sensibility, and Pride & Prejudice, all in a glorious row. And eat of course. Email me if you want more details (address is on the sidebar in the “Nice to meet you” paragraph). Once I have used my superpowers to determine you are not a creep, I’ll give them to you (the details, not my actual superpowers). So anyway, yay! I’m excited about that.
Moving on. I have been loving the Ensign and general conference, but duh. You already knew that about me.
You may have noticed that in the aforementioned overly-serious posts, I used the word “hard” a lot. Today I drove Natalie to gymnastics. She was recently invited to be in a higher-level class which is, obviously, more difficult. She’s only been a few times, and she has a little anxiety about it. It’s not as easy and carefree as her little preschool gymnastics were, so she tried to convince me that she doesn’t like it. The thing is, I know she does like it. She does cartwheels, roundoffs, handsprings, etc. around my house endlessly. She loves it when people watch her and tell her how great she is. She’s just nervous about the new class. So I started reassuring her in all the ways I knew how, trying to build her confidence. I said, “Here’s one thing I know about you: You can do hard things, and you are smart and strong.” She held back a grin and stared out the window. When we arrived at the gym, her nerves returned and she didn’t want to go in. I helped her change into her leotard. “No peeking,” I said, and then I grabbed a pen and took her hands.
While we walked into the gym, she kept looking at her hands and giggling. I told her to look at her hands every time she felt nervous in her class.
Then I started thinking some more on the way home about the stuff I already wrote about. And I started giving myself my own lecture. “I can do hard things, too.” I remembered that Sister Dalton talked about that once, so I looked it up and found it.
Last general conference, I was called by President Monson to be the new Young Women general president. As I stood in the presence of a prophet of God and was given this sacred trust, I pledged that I would serve with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. Prior to this calling, I had a small plate inscribed with a motto that read, “I can do hard things.” That little plate bearing that simple motto gave me courage. But now if I could change that motto, it would read: “In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.”
And then I did something that will amaze you. I made a printable. Or quote, or whatever. I don’t know the real terms. I only have the skill to make things out of Microsoft Word and Google Images, so if any of you have some old version of Photoshop you want to give away for Valentines Day, you know who to call. Anyway, here it is:
(I was thinking about that one quote about not crashing your heart on the rocks of grief.) So now that quote is making me happy, too.
Last item on the joy report: I’m going to the temple tonight. All those people I’m worried about are going right on the prayer roll, and Heavenly Father is going to take care of them.
How about you? What’s making you happy these days?
I went to lunch several months ago with some friends. During a side conversation, one friend said to me, “That’s the worst part about growing up: learning about everyone’s problems.” I don’t even really remember the context of our discussion, but her comment has stuck with me. It’s so true. As a child, we have a very limited view of the world at large, and most of my memories are happy and carefree. As we grow older and our view of the world around us expands, we are exposed to more and more pain, suffering, and sadness– sometimes our own, but often in the lives of others too.
Over the last several weeks, Matt and I have been struggling with watching people we know and love go through some really hard things. Not just one or two friends, but several. There are marriage troubles, there are health issues, there are fears and anxieties. It has made us heavy-hearted, and frankly, a little discouraged. We want to fix things and we just can’t. We want to help, but feel so helpless. It kind of makes us want to hide from the whole scary world so we don’t fall into the same pits, but where and how? We start to wonder if everyone else on the planet has some deep, dark secret pain going on, and maybe we’re the only people who have “normal” trials, like bad days at work or budget woes or struggling to keep up with the demands of busy lives. (Does anyone else feel like that sometimes?) It of course puts your own trials into startling perspective, but it leaves you feeling a vicarious pain for what everyone else seems to be going through. And even though your own life is relatively “easy,” it’s not easy to watch the pain that’s happening around you. It hurts.
I’ve noticed it’s difficult to brush those feelings aside and deal with the matters at hand, like helping children with homework or finding socks or making dinner. They have no idea about the hard things going on in the lives of friends and family. You certainly don’t want to make it their burden either, but it’s hard to put on a happy face and go on like nothing’s wrong. This morning, after I got the boys off to school, I tried to get Natalie occupied with her own activities so that I could just crawl back into bed and think. Rest. Decompress. She kept coming into my room every 5 minutes to ask for help with milk or TV buttons or questions. I was losing patience quickly. It’s really hard to heal and mother at the same time. I wasn’t very kind.
I don’t have any real answers to this. I’m still working through it, but I wanted to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about and learning about in the meantime. Yesterday, I had a rare opportunity to be in the car by myself in between some carpooling drop-offs and pick-ups. I wanted something to listen to in the car that would help me focus my thoughts, and I remembered that I had an old general conference CD set somewhere. I scanned the bookshelf in the office, found it, and grabbed it. I really wish I had some kind of system in my car where I could just hook up my iPod and listen to whatever I want whenever I want, but I don’t. And it seems really dumb to invest in that kind of stereo equipment when my van is pushing 160K miles. Anyway, I had general conference CDs from 1998, and I popped them in and listened while I drove.
This morning I had to go to the dentist, and the CD was still in when I turned on the car. I heard the end of one talk that was nice. They had all been nice, but nothing had jumped out at me so far. Then I heard this talk: “Overcoming Discouragement” by Elder Val R. Christensen. Here are some of the things that I learned:
Many of us face significant challenges. Even the great prophet Enoch experienced sadness when he viewed the wickedness of the world: “And as Enoch saw this, he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted; but the Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look” (Moses 7:44).
There are at least three steps to take when striving to overcome discouragement:
You can work on changing your attitude toward the problem. Even though you can’t change the circumstances in which you work or live, you can always change your attitude.
You can receive help from those who are close to you—your family, friends, and ward members, those who love you the most.
You can develop a more powerful and complete trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Even before he started explaining his three points, I knew that there was truth in them. I felt the Spirit– enlightenment and hope.
By looking at a problem in a different way, it may be possible to reduce discouragement. I have been impressed with the pioneer story told about Zina Young. After experiencing the death of parents, crop failure, and sickness, she was encouraged with a spiritual experience that changed her attitude. While attempting to seek divine help, she heard her mother’s voice: “Zina, any sailor can steer on a smooth sea, when rocks appear, sail around them.” A prayer came quickly: “O Father in heaven, help me to be a good sailor, that my heart shall not break on the rocks of grief” (“Mother,” The Young Woman’s Journal, Jan. 1911, 45). It is often difficult to change circumstances, but a positive attitude can help lift discouragement.
One morning, several days ago, I got some bad news from one of my friends I’ve been worried about. I lay in bed in the quiet early hours of the morning and my heart just hurt. I could feel a real, tangible sadness. While I thought about that pain, I was reminded of something I’ve taught many times before in a lesson about the Atonement.
“I believe, to use an insurance phrase, we must pay the deductible. We must experience sorrow enough, suffering enough, guilt enough so we are conscious and appreciative of the heavier burden borne by the Savior.” (Elder J. Richard Clarke, in Conference Report April 1993, 10)
In that moment, I kind of got it. What I was feeling was just the tiniest piece of what the Savior felt when He took upon himself the pains of the world. It was pain from sin, but also every kind of sorrow. It is His pain. Not mine. Not hers. It’s His. He bought it with a price and I need to give it back to Him. I don’t need to keep it. So, I determined then that all I can do is hand the burden back and then pay close attention to what He wants me to do. He can show me how to help and how to move on. So in the several days since, whenever I’ve felt the weight of sadness, I try to replay this same scenario in my mind and let it go. Here’s another snippet from Elder Christensen’s talk:
I’ve talked about changing attitudes and receiving help from others. Now, let me mention the need to put more trust and faith in the Lord. I once talked to a woman who received help with her discouragement. While waiting for a temple session to begin, she picked up a Book of Mormon to read a verse. Her eyes fixed upon Alma 34:3: “And as ye have desired of my beloved brother that he should make known unto you what ye should do, because of your afflictions; and he hath spoken somewhat unto you to prepare your minds; yea, and he hath exhorted you unto faith and to patience.” The scripture in Alma was an answer to her prayer. The message was simple: the problem she faced was going to take a long time to solve. If we place a little more patience in the process and a greater amount of faith in the Lord, our challenges will find their way toward successful conclusions.
In the Doctrine and Covenants we read this: “If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful” (D&C 136:29).
Some of these things will take time to work themselves out. I have faith that some of them really will work out just fine, but it may take a while. There may be long periods of down before the up figures itself out. So that’s what I’m working on right now: finding joy and optimism despite sad things happening around me. When the talk was over, I turned to Natalie in the back seat and said, “Natalie, I’m sorry I wasn’t very nice to you this morning when I was in bed. I was frustrated because I just wanted some rest, but I still should have been kind. I’m sorry.” She, being the epitome of childlike forgiveness, simply smiled and asked what was for lunch.
Anyway, I’m sorry if this post doesn’t have a cute little conclusion that makes it all better. I’m still working on it, but I wanted to share what I’ve learned so far, and hopefully it can be helpful to someone who’s dealing with or feeling some of the same things.
Diapers and Divinity 