Public speaking, Primary, and talking body parts

I’m pretty sure four-year-olds are bipolar by nature.  Maybe it’s just Clark, but I need to believe it’s some universal trait that all children have and will soon outgrow.  This past weekend, my niece got baptised (In the LDS church, children are baptised at age 8), and she wanted her cousins to be a part of the program.  Grant gave the opening prayer, and Clark volunteered to give a talk.  I know what you’re thinking because it’s the same thing I was thinking:  Are you kidding me?  Are 4-year-olds even allowed to speak at baptisms?  He’s never even been baptised himself, for crying out loud.  This has the potential for disaster and great shame. But, his aunt insisted that if he wanted to do it, they would love to let him.

He took his assignment very seriously, and he did me proud.  He stood up there with great reverence and dignity, and delivered his little one-page sermon.  The bishop attending said it was the best baptism talk he’d ever heard in his life.  For posterity’s sake, and to get a glimpse of my mischievous and adorable boy, I give you Clark:  (The audible groan in the background is Grant reacting to errors in his computer game.)

Then this same kid was a headache at church the very next day.  I’m the Primary President (don’t choke), and I could not get him to stay in or near his seat yesterday.  He was wandering the room, playing with the chalkboard, hiding behind the media cart, etc.  After several failed attempts to redirect him, I went and got Matt and directed that Clark needed to finish out the rest of the meeting in a time-out (empty) room.

Later that night, Matt and I tried to talk to him about what happened at church.  His excuse was that “Primary was just so boring.”  Gee, thanks, kid.  It’s good to know that I’m up there doing that whole ridiculous song and dance for a good reason. Matt asked, “What’s more boring? Primary? or the time-out room?”  He thought for almost a whole second and replied, “They’re both the same boring.”   “Okay,” Matt said, “next week, we’ll just go sit in the time-out room the whole time then.”


“But you said they’re both boring.  Where would you rather be?  In Primary? or in the time-out room?”

“Let me ask my hand.”  Matt and I look at each other, with unseen but understood question marks above our heads.

He then held his hand up to his ear and made this little squeaky voice sound as if his hand were telling him a secret.  “My hand chooses Primary.  Let me ask my other hand.”  More squeaking, and another vote for Primary.

“Now let me ask my foot.”  Squeakity, squeak, squeak.  “Primary.”

Another foot, belly, legs, arms … you know where this is going don’t you?

“Let me see what my bum says.”  It’s hard to squeak when you’re cracking yourself up.  I promise that pun was not intended.

Then he reaches for his front netherparts.  Matt interrupts, “No. Clark.  Just no.  You’re not going to talk to your p****!”  (I’m not afraid to say or type the word, but I don’t want this post to show up in Google for the wrong kind of search if you know what I mean.)

“No I wasn’t saying that.  What’s these called again?” (pointing below.)

Blink. Blink.  “Testicles?”

“Yep. Testicles.  Let me ask them.”  More squeaking secret code, and again the same conclusion.

I was crying by now, but trying as hard as I could to NOT act like this was hilarious, because  I shoud not encourage this kind of conversation, right?  All moms have moments like this when we observe our children (I’m trying to convince myself.  How am I doing?), where our feelings are a combination of shock, humor, wonder, and a teensy-weensy bit of pride for how clever and imaginative they are.

So anyway, the decision was unanimous.  Clark’s body wants to go to Primary next week.  Netherparts and all.


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30 thoughts on “Public speaking, Primary, and talking body parts

  1. Ok, first of all, this post was dang hilarious! 😀

    And secondly, that video is priceless. I’m impressed that he’s such an awesome reader, and I’m equally impressed with your patience. 😉 Great talk…and the audible groan? So funny.

  2. Oh that totally cracked me up! I could totally see Emma doing that, and I heartily second the idea that four year olds are bipolar. We’ve had equal measures of giggles and tears today. Right now she is splashing her little sister in the tub shouting “You’re a water bottle! Yes you! You are a water bottle!”

    I don’t get it.

    And I guess that’s okay…

  3. Oh, my goodness! You gotta love four-year-olds! Ours likes to discuss his you-know-what as well. I’m glad to hear the vote was unanimous. You could have had a serious problem on your hands!!

    (How’s the blog? Everything up and running again?)

  4. I feel like I am bi-polar after reading that. I cried during Clarks talk. I am so serious. Next to my own children, he is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Also he has a Utah accent. Wierd. Then I laughed till my abs and cheeks hurt during the second part.
    Mostly, I was deeply touched by your mothering. You know me better than most people, and I am telling you – you are deeply skilled in that area. I know you dont feel that way all the time – but I felt it. Strongly. Heavenly Father is so pleased with you. You ARE a natural. and it is so obvious how much you love your children. They are super lucky.

  5. I have not laughed that hard at a post in a long time.

    I guess if he starts acting up next week, you can say “Remember what your hands, feet, and everybody else said last week. They all want to stay in Primary

  6. That was the funniest thing ever!

    I’m sitting in a sleep study room, hooked up to a plethora of wires, and reading my Google Reader on my phone. When I read this post I started laughing so hard and loud that I had a coughing fit! I’m sure all the people in the rooms next to me were wondering what was going on.

  7. SO funny. My five-years-old-tomorrow daughter could give a great talk but can’t sit still in Primary, and she’s been known to offer her stomach’s opinion as expert witness before, but she hasn’t gone quite as far as Grant in consulting her whole body. (Wait, isn’t there a scripture about that? Okay, it took me a minute to find it, and it only sort of works, but here it is: 1 Corinthians 12:14-25)

  8. I couldn’t see the video on my computer (it has been a bit temperamental lately). Darn it. Everyone says it’s so cute- wish I could join in the fun. But oh my goodness. I was giggling for the rest of the story. No way I could have kept a straight face!

  9. What is it with boys and their netherparts? Hilarious! I’ve had to turn and walk away too many times already, just so I wouldn’t bust out laughing in front of Miles. Speaking of Miles, he’s screaming his head off, apparently there will be no nap…

    I’M COOOMING!!!!

  10. Oh, where does a humble commenter even begin?? My favorite part was at about the 1:01 mark, when he cleared his throat. You realize at that moment he sealed his fate; he’ll be on the High Council by his 30th birthday.

    And Kristina is, sadly, correct. Men really do seem to think that their ‘parts’ are more frat brothers than anatomical components. What’s that all about??

    Sweet talk, though~

    (And it was fun to hear your voice!)

  11. I think I howled!

    I personally don’t allow my children to speak in public until they’re eight and whatever they say is their own fault and I can’t be held accountable any more. That’s how it works, right?

  12. I wish that me and all my many parts could vote about going to various church meetings. I’m pretty sure some of them were trying to speak up during the “any opposed by the same sign” vote about Sunday School….

    great entry, friend.

  13. Stephanie and Matt!! I absolutely LOVE you guys!!!!!! I SO needed a good laugh tonight…. thank you from the bottom of my…. heart… yeah… that’s it. I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying…..

    by the way, while visiting my parents in Salina this weekend, my 4 year old daughter, Kaia, sneezed and I said “Bless You” (like I always do)… She gave me a very sympathetic “oh, poor Mom, she doesn’t know anything” look and said, “oh, well, Thanks, Mom, but actually is Salina, you say Gesundheit!” Where in the world do they get this stuff? 4 year olds are the best and the worst at the same time….

    Thanks again!!

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