101 reasons why I should have lost at least 10 pounds by now.

You may get to the end of this post and wonder if I was being a tad bit sarcastic and bitter.  Let me help you take the guesswork out of that:  Yes.  Today’s post ranks very, very low on the “Divinity” scale.

I am not now nor have I ever been obsessed with weight.  I’ve always been an advocate of Elder Holland’s advice to “please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else.”  I am not the least bit motivated by Hollywood harlots starlets because they are not even real people.  (At least the almost always fabricated versions of them that are shoved in our faces.)

However.

Since I moved to Utah, for reasons I cannot for the life of me figure out, I all of the sudden gained 20 pounds. (Yes, I’ve had my thyroid checked and there have been no other changes in my normal health or any medications or anything like that.  I’m practically a psychic in anticipating your questions.)  I swear it’s Utah’s fault, but since I can’t really beat up Utah, I’ve got to figure out what to do about it.  It has nothing to do with wanting to compete with all the people around me who live for yoga, decorate their cars with 26.2 and Ragnar stickers, and shop for their jeans in the single-digit-number section.  I mean, despite the fact that they are probably part-alien and I kind of want to hate them, I’ve been surprised that many of them are actually really nice people.  Dangit.  So it’s not about that.  It’s just about wanting to be the normal kind of me and not a foreign-body version of myself.  Oh, and because I really want the clothes I already own to FIT me.  Is that really too much to ask??  Really?  Well, apparently it is.  I will now proceed to list the 101 reasons I should have lost at least 10 pounds by now.

  1. I have exercised at least 30 minutes a day for five days a week since school started NINE weeks ago.  I have never had that kind of discipline since my college days.
  2. I even started jogging a little bit a couple weeks ago.  As I stated in my Facebook status:  Cue the apocalypse.
  3. I created an account at myfitnesspal.com and I have tracked pretty regularly my calorie intake and exercise to try to keep it toward a healthy daily total of net calories.
  4. I switched to skim milk. That alone deserves at least a pound or two.
  5. When I’ve met up with friends for lunch or dinner, I try to order smaller and smarter.
  6. I’ve tried to make better choices for cooking dinner.
  7. Once a week, I do one-on-one dates with each of my kids and it’s usually to a cute little bakery or something.  For a while now, I’ve only ordered something for them, and I’ve just had a bite, or ordered nothing for myself, or like TODAY, my son got a sugar cookie and I ordered a half Spinach salad.
  8. During the entire week of Halloween, I only ate 6 of those little mini candies.  Okay, and one caramel apple (maybe two).  But let me tell you, that took some major restraint when sugar stuff is EVERYwhere.
  9. I started ordering green smoothies when I crave buying something sweet.  Did you get that?  Green-freakin’-smoothies.
  10. The Great Pumpkin came to our house on Halloween night.  Our kids picked out their 10 favorite pieces of candy, put the rest in a bucket in the back yard, and during the night the Great Pumpkin came and swept it away, leaving a small toy in its place.  ALL the candy gone from our house.  To clarify, the Great Pumpkin did not eat ANY of it.
  11. I have exercised rigorously enough in the last 9 weeks that at least a few days a week, I have sore muscles.
  12. Yesterday I went to an exercise class called “Boot Camp.”  I cannot, I repeat–cannot, do push ups, yet this woman made us do like 2,000 of them. And leg lifts that made my abs catch fire.  I can handle all the jumping jacks and fast running in place and such, but any exercises that actually require any muscle strength are a joke.  Last night I could not roll over in bed without pain.
  13. When I crave snacks during the day, I’m trying to eat stuff like a handful of nuts, some carrot sticks, Greek yogurt (I think it’s nasty), or whole-wheat toast.
  14. I almost never drink soda, diet or otherwise.  Maybe once a month I’ll have a root beer.  I always drink water and occasionally milk.  I should drink more water than I do, but I’m trying to do better.  (Actually, in the spirit of full disclosure, in the last week when it turned cold, I did have a couple hot chocolates.)
  15. Except for that one time at The Melting Pot like 10 years ago, when they dumped half a glass of white wine in my cheese fondue, I’ve never even tasted alcohol in my life.
  16. That’s not really 101 reasons, but whatever.

Anyway, I’m pleased really, really ticked off to announce that after almost 3 months of this kind of regimen, I have actually gained almost 4 pounds.  Don’t try to be all “Oh, that’s totally because you’ve gained muscle,” because if that’s true then why are all my clothes just as tight as they were when I started?  So basically this post is just me saying that I’m mad at the universe and I’ve been robbed.

I know you’re dying to give me advice like go Vegan, eliminate carbs, train for a marathon, drink protein shakes, put all your food in a blender with ingredients you can’t buy at normal stores or whatever.  Just to keep it real, though, I probably will not listen to you unless you are actually a nutritionist, personal trainer, or certified seer. Because, trust me, the kind of effort I’ve put in should have brought about some kind of difference.  So I’m pretty skeptical right now.

I’m not going to quit, mostly because I’m stubborn.  I just needed to vent. I just got off the phone with my sister, and I told her I’ll probably feel humiliated after I push the “Publish” button.  So be it.  This is the part where you say stuff that’s either encouraging or empathetic.  Otherwise, I remind you that I am a grumpy woman who is denying herself chocolate at the moment, and I hold the power to the delete button.

I am acutely aware that on the blessings vs. trials continuum, I am still riding very high.  My life is abundant, and I don’t face the thousands of horrible thing that many others are suffering.  I’m still giving myself permission to be bugged, though.

Ahem.  Have a nice day.

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37 thoughts on “101 reasons why I should have lost at least 10 pounds by now.

  1. You know, I’ve been feeling the same way lately. I weigh more now than I did at the height of my pregnancy with my first. And it all started when I turned thirty. THIRTY!

    I didn’t want to blog about all of it for the reasons you listed–for the most part, I don’t obsess about my weight, and I have plenty of blessings to be grateful for. But it still just irks me. So I’m kind of glad you blogged about it. Because you’re much more clever and witty and perspective-maintaining about it than I would be. I’d just come off as a whiner.

  2. You looked fabulous when I saw you a few weeks. I don’t know what you are talking about because all I saw was the normal, beautiful Stephanie that I always see. I get it about the clothes not fitting, though. I had a long stretch when my “fat” clothes were tight and I hated getting dressed and wished I lived in Hawaii so I could wear mu-mus. I feel your pain, and I wish we lived close enough to be walking buddies.

  3. I’m right there with you. I’ve been stuck (argh!) for a few months. It’s very irritating. Good luck and keep up the good work! I’m certain that the scale will move the other way.

  4. The same thing happened to me when I moved to the desert. I don’t know if chronic dehydration was the problem or if this New England girl’s body just rebelled until it got home 😛 good luck!

  5. I went through something similar a few years back. Get a metabolic screening and a full hormone panel done. My issues were I was taking in too few calories and had put my body in starvation mode and I had no progesterone. Sometimes the issue can be hormone ratios. One more thing, 1% and skim milk are basically sugar water so use 2% or whole. Your body and brain need fat not sugar. Check Dr Oz for that info.

  6. Oh, Stephanie, I can completely relate!!! I have so totally been there and have sat in that place of complete and utter frustration multiple, multiple times. All I can tell you is to hang in there. It will eventually get better. (So says the nice alien with a Ragnar sticker on her car!) 😀
    Sending you warm thoughts and well wishes. ♥

  7. It can’t be Utah because I have the exact same problem (and don’t live anywhere near Utah). I keep gaining weight. I say it’s the age. I noticed a big difference at 30 and now that I’m reaching 40 maybe it gets worse?? I’ve read that lifting weights is the key, and I even tried that which resulted in nothing. If you figure it out PLEASE share so I can benefit from your wisdom.

  8. I just had my 4th (and last!) baby at the end of April … I can’t seem to shake the weight (nor the sugar cravings) this time around. But your post inspires me to keep going to the gym and to stay away from the Halloween chocolate?!?!? Thanks 🙂 !!

  9. Way to go! Yes . . . I think that deserves a 10# weight loss!! But you’ve inspired me . . . I’ve been a sugarholic this last little bit . . . it’s time to get back on track!!

    Kristin

  10. this. was. hilarious.

    isn’t it funny how much the topic of weight comes up around women?

    if you pick up a men’s magazine, you see nothing about losing weight or staying in shape. you see hobbies, and interests and adventures. nothing about toning your butt or your thighs, or staying away from chocolate.

    there has to be a happy medium. i joined weight watchers and ended up gaining seven pounds. how does that happen?

    anyway — you can do it. do not give up. the exercise is better for your heart and spirit anyway —

    xooox

  11. I wish it was Utah, then I wouldn’t have the same problem! And Emily has been exercising for a while now with no results. She’s frustrated too! I have gone up and down in weight over the last few years with dumb medications and my body chose to stay on the “up” side on no meds, 25 lbs. up. I have been drinking green smoothies (yes, with spinach, and kale(blech) and lettuce and only a little fruit and NO sugar) since July and have lost maybe two pounds. Ugh. But I do feel slightly (like 2%) better, so I guess I’ll keep it up. Wendy and I are heading to CA to go to a hormone specialist (it’s a LONG story) and I am hoping (probably too hard) that they can tell me why I have a headache every day and as a bonus say, “And this will also help you lose 25 pounds without even trying.” 🙂 That would be awesome. And a fairy tale that will never come true.
    Anyway, keep up the great work! It’s inspiring. Even if your clothes don’t fit for a while, your heart is happier, right? (Oh brother.)

  12. Stephanie, let’s face it. We’re getting old (I feel like I can say this because I think we’re the same age and living the same kind of life). I’m on a “calorie-restriction-something-or-other” right now for the first time ever, and I’m right there with ya.

    And don’t run a marathon. NOTHING is worth that. 🙂

  13. Hang in there. Been on the exercise wagon for 18 months now (pat on back). All I can say is, if I could go back and make the decision to start again, I would still start. I feel so much better physically than I ever have. I have since decided to change my focus from the way I want it to make me look, which never seems to happen no matter how hard I try, to just being a healthier, happier me who feels empowered by my 4:30 a.m. workouts.

  14. If it helps, my mom’s over 40 and lost 20 lbs., and she attributes it to something called the Instinct Diet. It feels kind of weird to go around recommending diet programs like that, but basically it’s just really high fiber with smaller meals and spaced out snacks. I don’t think I’d have the patience to follow a diet (and I don’t really need to… yet), but it did work for my mom, and was developed by an actual nutritionist working at Harvard or something, so take it for what it’s worth 🙂

  15. I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for saying exactly what I’ve been thinking about for myself…and for saying it so much better and funnier than I could ever utter. Oh gosh, now utter just made me think of udder, which made me think of cows…and that is NOT a comment on my perspective on our over-30-stubborn weight that won’t respond to anything-bodies…I’m gonna stop typing and go do some useless sit-ups now.

  16. I have no answers and I thoroughly understand your frustration with the universe. Seems like rewards don’t come when I think they should.

    How do you exercise everyday? I can’t quite get myself to care enough to try.

  17. Feeling your pain. I even had a dream about this very thing last night. I dreamed that I was at the doctor saying, “I drink green smoothies. I eat whole foods. I don’t eat sugar except maybe once in a while. I exercise. I don’t understand how I’m stuck at this weight.” Then in my crazy dream, the doctor (who turned into my mom…weird, huh?) told me my bones and muscles were depleted and I needed to take their expensive supplements. No advice though, but if you figure it out, let me know. I had someone tell me the other day about “calorie confusion” which is basically eating junk one day a week to “trick” your body. I’m pretty sure if I did that I’d gain 5 pounds in one day…but it sounded fun.

  18. If nothing else, I think you’ve inspired all of us to look at how we take care of our bodies 😉 You’re an inspiration, even when you’re sarcastic! 😀

  19. I once gained 15 pounds in just over a month of excercise, in the end I blamed it on muscle because while I wasn’t thinner, I wasn’t any bigger either. This time around I’m sticking to things like walking and tennis, and I only gained 5 pounds, lol.
    If you do want to go vegan, or close to it, check out my blog ;-).

  20. DITTO. But I heard on the radio yesterday that people who sit most of the day and don’t exercise are cancer magnets. So keep it up, if just for that! I should follow my own good advice!

  21. I like the caramel greek yogurt, because I can fool myself into thinking it’s a treat. The rest aren’t that great, I agree. And I have no advice, but lots of empathy!

  22. Hahaha! I love you. (I’m not gaining, but I’m not losing, but I know why I’m not losing which is that I binge just often enough to undo all the hard work I do, so it’s my fault and I know it. You have every right to be peeved.)

  23. I related to a lot of this, and therefore might not be able to write a short comment. But I’ll try.

    I’ve recently found a way of exercising at home that I enjoy enough to be motivated to exercise about 2 or 3 times a week. I do some strength exercises, a little cardio, and a lot of stretching. Although this would be very little for someone else, it’s huge progress for me because I’m being quite steady with it. But the best part is that I enjoy the feeling of being stronger and more flexible so much that I’ve been surprisingly nonchalant about the fact that in several weeks of exercising, I’ve lost not one pound nor one inch. I’ve always wished I could be motivated to exercise just for the health benefits rather than for vanity, but I’ve never succeeded until now.

    There’s still an element of vanity, though, in that I do believe that if I keep it up, eventually there will be a visible change. My theory is that for now the new muscle is increasing both weight and bulk. I’ve also heard it’s healthiest, and most effectively long-lasting, to lose weight very slowly, so I’m kind of counting on that. But it also helps that I’m hoping to have another baby, and really wanted to be more fit before becoming pregnant again, so I have a short-term goal that has nothing to do with size. But, like I said, I’m mostly thrilled to discover a way of exercising that seems sustainable for me. And I like to think that being stronger also translates ever-so-subtly into looking just a little better–like I’m the same size, but a slightly improved shape–but also because I’m feeling happier and more comfortable in my skin.

  24. I totally have been where you are now! I have just lost 16 lbs since the first of the year. I have been counting my calories by writing down everything I stuff my face with. The old way of excerising 30 min. everyday has jumped to 1 hour. Granted I am in my fifties and I have more time than I did when my family was all at home. I at least excercise 5-6 days a week. We (some wardies and I)started a weight loss group with a monetary reward. That has boosted my resolve too. I do not deprive myself of a snack now and then but the calories are added in too. Google calorie counts and it will tell you how many calories to consume for your height. Excercise for your heart and mind and the rest will follow. One last bit of advice I haven’t heard yet even if you aren’t listening to it is…. Take it to the Lord, if it is important to you it is important to Him. I asked him to help me and He has, for my health and happiness, not for my looks! I am a happier person and I think I look better too inspite of that not being the sole purpose for losing.

    I also wanted to thank you for your help on my talk a few weeks back. The talks you suggested were so wonderful, I used some quotes from each one!!!

    Good luck and don’t compare your self to the aliens!!

  25. Ha Ha, and I was actually thinking of maybe starting to be better –like exercising and counting calories, but if it’s not going to do any good why bother… 🙂

    Actually, I applaud your tenacity in the face of discouragement. I have hypothyroidism and I am turning 30 in two weeks. I have goals for my 30th year and I may need such tenacity. Thank you for your example –even if you sometimes have to vent your frustrations.

  26. Steph–I’ll see you 20 and raise you 30. All I can say is that my Creator and I are going to be doing a LOT of Q and A conferencing when this life is over….

  27. This was funny. I am HORRIBLE at dieting and excerising! My husband hates health food and gets annoyed when we have too much whole grain or raw vegetables. Plus, I hate the cost of a healthy diet. My skinniest, tiniest kids are the ones who don’t like anything except candy and cold cereal. Sometimes I have thought about a candy/cold cereal only diet, but I like food too much and candy and cold cereal just don’t make the food category well enough

  28. Here’s my 2 cents. I just turned 40 and it is a BATTLE! I am about 40 lbs overweight and and trying very hard. I am eating well, exercising etc…I haven’t lost any. BUT I feel better and know my healthier choice are contributing to more energy for my kids, they will contribute to my longevity of life (hopefully) and that counts for something. I’m TRYING to not let the numbers on my scale discourage me!

  29. I had something similar happen when I was trying to lose the weight from my first baby. I had totally cut calories, was eating super healthy, and exercising at least 3 times a week (not the norm for me) and if I was losing anything, MAYBE I lost a pound or two over a few months of this. I joined Weight Watchers in desperation (I’d done it before) and ended up eating WAY more than I had been in the past (still eating smart) and ended up dropping the weight pretty quickly in the first couple of months. I guess I just wasn’t eating enough and had sent my body into starvation mode. That’s my guess at least, but maybe it applies to you too.
    Good luck!

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