Someone in this family is going to jail.

So far I have counted three legal infractions today.

We went Wal-Mart (that in itself should be a misdemeanor).  Clark wailed in the parking lot and said he did NOT want to go in.  His heart was set on Sam’s Club and free sample handouts, but my membership expired, so we went to Wal-Mart instead.  He wasn’t happy.  He refused to get out of the van.  I explained to him that if I left him in the van, someone would call the police, and they would come get him and take mommy to jail and he would have to live with another family.  He thought about that for a minute with a scowl on his face.  I’m not sure what his real preference is, but perhaps for the sake of not hurting my feelings, he hopped out of the van and surrendered to our shopping trip.

While I was checking out, he and Natalie somehow managed to get about 5 toy cell phones in their possession and run with them over to the blasted arcade section in front of the check-out area.  I finally wrangled them back and returned all the merchandise to its appropriately unpurchased position.

When I got home, I unloaded the van.  As I was putting the groceries in the kitchen, Natalie kept digging in her pocket.  “I have lipstick,” she grinned.  “What lipstick?”  I was trying to think what she might have dug out of my backpack or van.  She proudly showed me her treasure.

DSCF2080“Hey, where did you get that?!”

She smiled again, “At the store.”

“Natalie….(remember that grumpy sighing I told you about yesterday?)… that’s STEALING.”  I went on to explain to her in terms that she understood that she was a robber.  (She always asks me, “what if there’s a robber?,” and I say, “He’ll go to jail,” and she says, “I’ll punch him in the nose.”)  I’m not sure whether she was more afraid of jail or a punch in the nose,  but she got a little remorseful and said, “I’m sorry mommy.”  I asked her what we should do and she said, “take it back to the store.”   To be honest it feels like torture to return to Wal-mart again with my children, but it must be done.

All that criminal behavior for this little gem:

DSCF2082Yes, it does say “Oooh La La Bubble Gum Lip Gloss.”  What can I say?  Natalie’s got impeccable class.

Grant is my smoochie kid.  He is super cuddly and lovey-dovey.  Not being much of the affectionate type myself, I’m often annoyed with his abundant loving.  (I know, that’s not very nice of me, but I am.)  So today, Clark and Grant were playing tag and I hear Clark say the classic line of obnoxious childhood, “You missed me.  You missed me.  Now you have to kiss me,” which of course Grant takes literally and chases Clark around the house for 30 minutes trying to smooch his face off.  I reminded him of my tramautic childhood experience of being chased by a kissy boy around the playground in kindergarten.  I also repeated my sage warning that boys who kiss people who don’t want to be kissed can go to jail.

So, I’m sure you’re all proud of me for raising a band of 3 pint-sized hoodlums.  Maybe our family can just become a small gang of toddler thugs.  Yesterday I cut off the bottom of sweatpants to make shorts for the boys and I used the discarded pieces as hats.  How do Clark and I look?

DSCF2075Maybe our gang can be called the Jailbound Jesters.  Send me chocolate when we’re all in the slammer.

(Final plea to go vote for my blog at MMB by tomorrow…. look on my sidebar for the link.)


26 thoughts on “Someone in this family is going to jail.

  1. Ugh. I’m so sorry. Days like that are very difficult. The thought of packing your kids back up in the car to go back to Wal-Mart just sounds awful…but I’m sure Natalie will learn a lot from it!

  2. Someday, you will laugh. Today is probably not that day. Maybe on their 21st birthday. Or when it happens to them. 🙂

    Sean has started having the fascination with messing around at the store. The most he can do as of yet is stand up and face the wrong way in the seat area, but that is pretty scary to watch when he loses balance or does it while I’m turning a corner. Blast it all! He was so well-behaved before he became a toddler… Oh, he also has started grabbing things off the shelves at random. One time at Target I turned for 2 seconds and he had somehow gotten a toilet seat cover by the time I looked back. What? Why that? Even though it was still un-toileted, it was still gross to me. Call me weird, but it’s true.

  3. I’ll switch you kids. You can have my non-affectionate child (all I want is cuddles!!) and I’ll have your really affectionate child. It works in my favour I guess, because I get to miss some of those toddler years.

    Think about it.

  4. Wonderful hats.

    I would HATE going back to Walmart. (Actually I don’t ever shop at Walmart anyway because Target’s closer and I’m spoiled.)

    My 4th is my cuddliest — not overly so, but more so than the first 3, and I was really craving the cuddles by the time he came along, so it worked out well.

  5. That’s funny. I use the “Mommy will go to jail” thing when Sawyer or Porter want to stay home alone. I got pulled over two days ago, (I am speedy McFarlin) and yesterday Sawyer told his teacher at school that I almost had to go to jail, but they let me off with just a ticket. He wasn’t even there. I asked “how can you know that” and he said “well, you seem to think the police will put you in jail for just about everything.” I wish.

  6. I have 2 things to say… #1 my 5 year old thinks cops are bad cause I’m always telling him that if he doesn’t wear his seatbelt a cop will take me to jail or if I let him stay home alone a cop will take me to jail. Finally, last week he asked me if cops were good or bad:) #2 I voted- I’m so computer illiterate that it took me about 15 minutes to find the link and vote:)- good luck!

  7. Can I just say how much I appreciate your blog. I really admire you and can feel your pain. I have related to a lot of your recent posts and it makes me feel not so lousy, cuz I think you are pretty terrific! Keep it coming and thanks again!

  8. One time I did the long walk of shame back into the Disney Store to tell the manager how sorry I was that my sweet baby boy had shoved 6, that’s right, I said Half A Dozen, mini plush toys into his stroller seat, when he was 2. Ufta. You’ll laugh later, lol.


  9. My son shoplifted a super duper rice krispy treat from Babies R Us when he was four. My husband (I was having a baby) DROVE him to a police car and turned him in. It scared the poo out of the poor little guy, he still talks about it (he’s six). That’s what happens when your husband is sneaky agent.

  10. I’m dreading those, “We have to go back to the store to return that!” moments. So far, so good… But my 2nd child might just have a thug personality! 😀 She likes being mischievous, that’s for sure!

  11. First, I’m so glad you said something about voting over at MMB because somehow I missed the news! Got there just in the nick of time! Whew!

    And considering that WalMart is an evil empire, you really went into the belly of the beast on this one. Well done, mom!

    Next time, though, just take the purloined souvenirs and run over them in your driveway, window down and you hollering, “We don’t steal! This is what happens to things you get without having to work really hard for them!”

    Probably not what Dr. Spock would have done, but then he never had to deal with WalMart.

    Hmm…my writing’s a bit edgy today. Perhaps it has to do with this being the last day of school here in Vegas…

  12. Emma got in the habit of stealing tic-tacs at the grocery store last year. Took three times in a row of it happening before I finally started remembering to frisk her everytime we went. Oi.

  13. I remember watching harried mothers at Walmart when I was young, foolishly thinking, “Why can’t that woman control her children?” Then I grew up and had children and thought of a million and one answers to that question.

    I’m baking a cake with a nail file right now, just for you.

  14. I remember stealing a package of Rollos when I was a kid and I had to take them back and everything and then–horror–I had to explain to my dad what I did. It was awful, awful humiliation. But I’m pretty sure if I had to take my kid back to Wal-Mart to return a stolen item that I’d be exonerated in the heavens because that really is devoted mothering.

  15. I’m going to be honest. If it was a choice between teaching my kid not to steal and making a return trip to Walmart…um. Gosh. I’d have to think really hard about that. I mean, I’d still love my child even if he was a robber.


    Still thinking.

  16. My kids are always taking me to jail as part of a game that we play. I don’t think they have any concept of what jail is really like, thankfully. I’ve been in public school enough to know that kids visit parents in jail often. Good luck with EFY talk, and I am sure you will love serving in your Stake!

  17. Last month I caught my little one trying too put a chapstick in his pocket at WalMart. Gave him the whole lecture. Then when we were loading up the car afterwards, I found two little things that had hidden under my purse during checkout. Back into the store we headed. (At least I hadn’t strapped the kids in yet!)

  18. Sorry it took me so long to get here…but I’ve been dying to read this post, just because of the title. Very funny scenarios you describe here. And I love all those threats of sending people to jail. What a good mom you are!

  19. Lol! Loved this post! So funny.. and man I can relate all too well. My oldest is extremely affectionate and some days I just don’t want to be touched anymore!

    Trips to Walmart are definitely a necessary evil.

Please say something. I've said enough. :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s