Category Archives: Divinity

The spiritual side of motherhood.

The detours of motherhood, or why I’m like prophets and my children are like Lamanites

Posted in Divinity by

detour20signsI’m currently at my parents’ home in Atlanta for Spring Break.  Unlike the great white North where I live, Spring actually lives here, so it’s been a nice change of scenery.  Outdoor weather has allowed my children to play hard and sleep hard.  My nights have been mostly quiet and peaceful.  The night before last I fell asleep face-down diagonally across my bed, on top of the covers with my scriptures open.  Before I dozed off to sleep, however, I managed to have an epiphany while studying Alma chapter 17 in the Book of Mormon.

I don’t know if this is a common struggle with other mothers or not, but I have some dear friends– friends I consider “kindred spirits” in the Anne of Green Gables’ sense– with whom I have not had decent contact for years.  I still love them as much as I ever did, and I do think of them often and wonder how they are.  Occasionally, we drop each other a quick “hello” on Facebook, and we exchange Christmas cards religiously, but despite our mutual admiration, we’ve kind of fallen out of each others’ lives.  Sometimes I mourn that a little bit.  I miss my Sunday afternoon drives up in the mountains with best girlfriends where we listened to sappy love songs and poured out our fears, struggles, dramas, and memories together.  And we laughed.  A lot.  I don’t live even within a few states of most of them anymore, but the life I have chosen is no longer my very own.  I share it with a husband and three little children.  I love them all and wouldn’t give them up for anything, but they’re pretty darn time consuming.  My friends are living similarly busy lives, and I truly understand it.  It still makes me a little sad, but as I read my scriptures Tuesday night, I saw it all a little differently.

There was a group of tight friends:  Alma the younger and the four sons of Mosiah.  These verses explains the missions they were called to:

11 And the Lord said unto them also: Go forth among the Lamanites, thy brethren, and establish my word; yet ye shall be patient in long-suffering and afflictions, that ye may show forth good examples unto them in me, and I will make an instrument of thee in my hands unto the salvation of many souls.

It struck me that this is very much like my calling to be a mother.  The words patience, long-suffering, and the command to be a good example stood out to me.  And the work of saving souls is literally in our hands and homes.

  12 And it came to pass that the hearts of the sons of Mosiah, and also those who were with them, took courage to go forth unto the Lamanites to declare unto them the word of God.
  13 And it came to pass when they had arrived in the borders of the land of the Lamanites, that they separated themselves and departed one from another, trusting in the Lord that they should meet again at the close of their harvest; for they supposed that great was the work which they had undertaken.
It really does take courage– doesn’t it?– to give up portions of your life as you know it because you hope to teach your children and make a difference in your own family.  And that is truly what happens among friends who begin/accept the motherhood journey; we “depart” in a sense, with faith and hope that we’ll meet again.  And we couldn’t do that if we didn’t believe that “great was the work” we have chosen.  (My commentary is in brackets and italics below.)
  14 And assuredly it was great, for they had undertaken to preach the word of God to a wild and a hardened and a ferocious people [have you seen a toddler or preschooler’s temper tantrum??]; a people who delighted in murdering the Nephites, and robbing and plundering them [okay, there’s not much murder going on in my house, but my fridge has definitely been plundered many times]; and their hearts were set upon riches, or upon gold and silver, and precious stones [or Webkins, the candy aisle at the grocery store, and Chuck E. Cheese tokens]; yet they sought to obtain these things by murdering and plundering [whining and manipulating], that they might not labor for them with their own hands [“No! Mommy do it!”].
And why again do we throw ourselves into that kind of mess and responsibility?
 …  16 Therefore, this was the cause for which the sons of Mosiah [a group of dear friends] had undertaken the work, that perhaps they might bring them unto repentance; that perhaps they might bring them to know of the plan of redemption.
 17 Therefore they separated themselves one from another, and went forth among them, every man [woman, sister, friend] alone, according to the word and power of God which was given unto him [her].
And for the first time, I saw myself and my unseen-but-not-lost friends as teammates on a holy mission.  We are working together more than we know, and I am strengthened by their efforts in far away lands with their own little Lamanites.  I feel unity with them, and frankly, with all of you readers, too, as I consider how we are truly serving a mission together to instruct an entire generation about God’s plan of happiness and their role in it.  It’s amazing actually.  It makes me realize that I’ve been closer than I realized to my fellow-mothers all along.
The first verses in this chapter (before the flashback in the verses I’ve quoted) show the joyful reunion of this group of friends and how they are even happier to know that each of them has remained faithful to their mission and worked hard and even suffered much in their efforts to save souls.  I think this is why we pick up right where we left off with beloved friends we have not seen for a while, because we have a cause and a deep commitment in common.  It makes me pretty darn excited for heaven or those retirement years (whichever comes first!) when we will have the time again for Sunday drives with good friends, laughing about our days among the Lamanites.
 
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Don’t be shy… try your hand at the limerick contest.  Come on, it’ll be fun.
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Reminder:  As of April 1, this blog will be hosted solely at http://www.diapersanddivinity.com (”wordpress” will no longer appear in the URL).  When that change takes place, the old feed will be reset and you will need to go there yourself and subscribe again (for the LAST time, I promise).  Any previous RSS feed will no longer work. 

Going to hell in a handbasket

Posted in Divinity by

handbasketIt doesn’t take much news watching or magazine reading to realize that our society is in a state of moral decay.  Usually, there are isolated events where someone does terrible and evil things, and I’m left to feel sad about it for weeks wondering how many other people like him (or her, let’s be fair) are out there living horrible, wicked lives.  Then, my faith in humanity is slowly renewed as I see normal people around me loving their children, smiling at strangers, and just being regular seemingly good folks.  Occasionally though, I come across something that tells me things may be as dismal as I fear.

I read an article on Yahoo! News last week entitled “Survey sees a drift away from religion in America.”  Here are a few of the conclusions in the study:

  • Today, 76 percent of the US population call themselves Christians, compared with 86 percent in 1990.
  • One in every 5 US adults chose not to identify a religious identity.
  • The “no religion” group has gained 20 million adults since 1990 and is the only group to have grown in every state.
  • A little less than 70 percent believe “definitely in a personal God,” with 12 percent believing “in a higher power but no personal God.” Some 2.3 percent say there is no God, while 10 percent either don’t know or don’t think there is a way to know.

I don’t have the statistics on hand to back this up, but I think you might agree with me that during this same period of time, there has been an increased acceptance of violence and immorality, and a decline in the numbers of and perceived importance of traditional families.

I cannot even imagine parenting without the knowledge I have that there is a personal God.  I know that He is my Father.  I know that His Son showed me a perfect example to live by, and through His grace makes my efforts turn out fine despite my own weaknesses and failings.  I know that my children are really His; that my calling as a mother is sacred, and I cannot fulfill it adequately without His help.  I feel strongly that God must play a role in our families, and that is why this study saddens me.  People are leaving Him out of the equation of their lives.  I feel more determined to instill faith in my children.  Knowing that faith is becoming more and more rare makes it even more important.  There are forces at work trying to pull our children to that same faithlessness.  I found these quotes from recent prophets and apostles that emphasize why and how to keep faith at the center of our parenting:

Russell M. Nelson:  “In this day of rampant immorality and addictive pornography, parents have a sacred responsibility to teach their children the importance of God in their lives. Those evils, so highly destructive of divine potential, are to be strictly shunned by children of God….Do not try to control your children. Instead, listen to them, help them to learn the gospel, inspire them, and lead them toward eternal life. You are God’s agents in the care of children He has entrusted to you. Let His divine influence remain in your hearts as you teach and persuade.”

Robert D. Hales:  “We too must have the faith to teach our children and bid them to keep the commandments. We should not let their choices weaken our faith. Our worthiness will not be measured according to their righteousness. Lehi did not lose the blessing of feasting at the tree of life because Laman and Lemuel refused to partake of its fruit. Sometimes as parents we feel we have failed when our children make mistakes or stray. Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children. Their faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their children.”

Gordon B. Hinckley: “If I may be pardoned for suggesting the obvious, I do so only because the obvious is not observed in so many instances. The obvious includes four imperatives with reference to children: (1) love them, (2) teach them, (3) respect them, and (4) pray with them and for them.”

My favorite quote about this topic is from President Spencer W. Kimball:

“As parents read the newspapers and magazines and see what the world is trying to teach their children, they should become all the more determined that their children not be influenced by such sin and error. Parents should then provide the home life, the discipline, and the training that will offset and neutralize the evil that is being done in the world. As children learn of the ugly things in the world, they must also learn of the good things in the world and the proper responses and proper attitudes. If parents understand that many children do not have family prayers and spiritual attitudes and proper teaching in their lives, then those parents should redouble their energies and their efforts to see that their own children receive good, wholesome training.”

Despite the title of this post, I am hopeful.  I really do believe that mothering with faithful purpose can and will eventually make good children into good men and women.  The scriptures teach that despite mounting wickedness, God has big, successful plans for his righteous followers.  I’m confident that many blessings await those who struggle through it all and still remain strong.  He helps me believe that, and I’m grateful for it, even if less and less people feel the same way.

Lost teeth and lost time

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I hope you will indulge me in occasionally re-posting an entry that was lost when my blog went down (TDBD).  It allows me to re-create my archives little by little over time.  This was originally posted August 17, 2008.

dscf14251 So my oldest child, Grant, just lost his first tooth and I’m thinking to myself, “It wasn’t that long ago that he got his first tooth!  And he’s already losing them?!”  Other moms (the ones who had toddlers and preschoolers a long time ago and actually lived to talk about it) always say, “they grow so fast.  Enjoy it while you can,” and you know how inside you say stuff like “yah, whatever…  I’ve already planned in detail the first 3 weeks of activities once my youngest gets into school, and don’t even get me started on retirement…”?

Well, this tooth thing has made me think that maybe I do want time to slow down a little.  I mean, come on, kids are just never as cute once those big ol’ crooked horse teeth start growing in.  And now he’s starting kindergarten in a few weeks, and even though I’m thrilled about the tiny dose of “freedom” it might offer me, I dread the influence of “bad kids” and elementary school Darwinism once he’s out of my watchful eye.

I find comfort in the scripture in Ecclesiastes that says, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”  Then it talks about things like dancing, crying, etc., but I think that it really does mean every thing, like losing teeth, going to kindergarten, and retiring.  I can’t help but think that God wants me to take in each season and actually live it through, the same way I must live each season of the year . . . I can’t just skip ahead or pause or rewind the calendar.  So, I’ll just start to enjoy the toothless years in one child and the teething years in another and just take the moments as they come.  (But, seriously, don’t you think God must laugh a little when he puts those ugly big adult teeth in little kids’ mouths?)

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Reminder:  As of April 1, this blog will be hosted solely at http://www.diapersanddivinity.com (”wordpress” will no longer appear in the URL).  When that change takes place, the old feed will be reset and you will need to go there yourself and subscribe again (for the LAST time, I promise).  Any previous RSS feed will no longer work.

I wonder if I’ll even die on time.

Posted in Diapers, Divinity by

makes_eat_timeIn college, I had a roommate who was ALWAYS late.  It made me crazy.  We would all be ready to leave for church or a night out and she’d still have curlers in her hair and just be beginning the process of looking for her things and grabbing something to eat.  She would pretend like she was in a hurry, but she was so slow at getting things done.  I had no patience with her.

Fast forward to the present.  I know God loves me, but I’m confident He laughs at me.  He turned me into her.  He gave me children, and I became my old roommate.  I think I have been on time to less than one dozen events since Grant was born six years ago.  I do not think He will cure me of this problem until I stop getting mad about it.  I noticed the other day that I always drive like I’m in a hurry because, well, I usually am.  At best, I’m about five minutes behind schedule, and at worst … um, let’s just say that sometimes I give up on even going where I was headed in the first place.  Not to make excuses, but — actually, yes, I will make excuses!  These are the reasons I am never on time:

sc014edd45

  1. Children who wear diapers ALWAYS poop on the way out the door.
  2. It does not matter how many times you have done laundry and sorted thousands and thousands of pieces of mismatched footwear, your children will NEVER be able to find socks when you say it’s time to go.
  3. They do not want a coat when they need one, and they want to bring extraneous toys and books along when they do not need them.  Battles about said preferences ensue.
  4. Even if you get all your children dressed and ready one hour before it’s time to leave because you are trying EXTRA hard to be on time, they will pee their pants or step in yogurt in their socks or take off their jacket and hide it in some place that will take you at least 25 minutes to find later because they “don’t remember” where they put it.
  5. Although I’m finally starting to get past this stage, small children have a mass amount of equipment that needs to accompany them on every outing.  So even when you get them ready to go, you have to check your “suitcase” and make sure you  have enough junk to prepare you for anything that may come your way, from an extreme diaper blowout to the possibility of being abducted by aliens and having to entertain your child for an extended period of time while you wait to appear before the intergalactic tribunal.  I have no idea where that just came from.
  6. Even if I am going somewhere without the children, the process of getting out the door feels like trying to escape from quicksand.

Every time I hear one of those talks about how important it is to arrive to church early so that you can prepare yourself to hear the messages, and not be disruptive to the congregation with your late entrance, I just get mad.  Do the people who give this counsel remember what it’s like to have small children?  I’m mad at myself, mostly, because I can’t seem to figure it out.  I do not know why I have not been able to overcome this struggle.  I have tried many experiments.  Charts on the door.  Restraining all children in car seats and THEN gathering equipment.  Getting ready earlier.  Organizing my front closet so that all coats and shoes and backpacks and bags are easy-access.  Yelling and barking orders.  Skipping breakfast.  I’m still late.  I’m doomed.  Wait a second.  I just realized, for the very first time in six years, that I have never once prayed about it.  I’m serious.  I’ve never had that thought before.  Duh. Is there really a chance that Heavenly Father would help me get out the door on time?  Then what would He laugh at?  Oh please, He’s got PLENTY to keep Himself entertained on the Stephanie Channel.

I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, part of this whole struggle is not so that I learn to be on time, but so that I learn to be PATIENT.  Can I be rushed and still be kind to my children?  Can I purge myself of all the frustrated feelings and just get on with my life?  Can I be running late to church and not get mad about it, thereby ruining my chances of feeling the Spirit there anyway?  Ugh.  I have always loved the writings of Neal A. Maxwell and I found an awesome talk he gave entitled, “Patience.” Check out some of these gems from that talk:

“When we are impatient, we are neither reverential nor reflective because we are too self-centered. Whereas faith and patience are companions, so are selfishness and impatience.”  . . .

“Clearly, without patience, we will learn less in life. We will see less. We will feel less. We will hear less. Ironically, rush and more usually mean less. The pressures of now, time and time again, go against the grain of the gospel with its eternalism.”

I love his stuff because he takes simple principles and attributes and places them in an eternal perspective.  So I’m feeling a little renewed after writing this.  I might even humble myself enough to hear some of your suggestions for being on time.  I’ll try really hard not to roll my eyes when I read them.  But I’m definitely trying that prayer thing, too, because bless my roommate’s heart, living late all the time is no fun.

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Reminder:  As of April 1, this blog will be hosted solely at http://www.diapersanddivinity.com (“wordpress” will no longer appear in the URL).  When that change takes place, the old feed will be reset and you will need to go there yourself and subscribe again (for the LAST time, I promise).  Any previous RSS feed will no longer work.

Extreme makeover: totally lame mom edition

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Much to my husband’s dismay, I’m kind of a binge-and-purge girl when it comes to chores.  You see, I kind of LIKE it when my sink starts to look like this:

dscf1982

I mean, if my sink never began to be a health threat, how would I ever feel like a superhero?  Tonight I put the kids to bed and Clark said, “Mom, are you going to be upstairs or downstairs?”  This is code for “How much trouble can I get away with after you turn out the lights?”

“I’ll be upstairs.”

“Why don’t you go downstairs and work on the computer?”

“Because you would be naughty, and I have to wash the dirty dishes.”

Grant piped up, “There are a lot of dirty dishes indeed.”

What American 6-year-old talks like that?  “Indeed?”  I felt like I was in a Mary Poppins movie, except without a nanny or a live-in cook and housekeeper… more like the part where everything’s a mess right before they play that “Let’s clean up the nursery” game.

So we said our good-nights and I made my way into the kitchen to begin my superhero work.  You will hardly believe this ladies and gentlemen, but that very same sink only a few minutes later looked like this:

dscf19831

See?  Why would I slave away my days obsessively rinsing and stacking each dish as it’s actually used when I would clearly rob myself of the joy of results brought about by my extreme makeover labors?  I just don’t get it.  This habit plays itself out in many areas of my life.  (I’ve learned that scripture study is not one that I can get away with; it HAS to be a consistent thing to work for me.)  Let me give another example where I struggle maybe a tad with consistency.  Just this past weekend Matt said to me, “Steph, you are perfect in almost every way, but you suck at laundry.”  I have no idea what he’s talking about:

dscf1593

However, lest you judge him too harshly, I already knew I sucked at laundry.  If I still had any of my blog archives, this is where I would link you to a bunch of old posts lamenting my laundry woes.  I choose to focus on the part of his statement that acknowledges that, like Mary Poppins, I’m practically perfect in every way.

You know, I do think that maybe Mary Poppins had it right.  It’s magical to change things around, but in the end what brings us the most happiness is time well-spent with our families.

In an article written by a woman named Winnie Dalley, she outlines what I believe is the most important thing for us mothers to remember amid all our tasks, whether we do them constantly or in frenzied spurts.  The quote’s a little lengthy, but I’m betting that you’ll recognize yourself in it right away:

“Nearby in the kitchen, a mound of dirty dishes waits for me in the sink. The laundry is not done, the carpet not vacuumed, the bathroom not scrubbed. Toys are strewn haphazardly all over the living room and kitchen floor. A pile of unpaid bills sits arrogantly on top of the bookcase, exerting silent authority. All of a sudden, the negative aspects of the moment seem to outweigh the positive.

But it is really not so. I remind myself that I need to look beyond the temporal mists and regain my eternal vision of clarity. A house does not have to be perfect to be a home of joy, a child does not have to behave perfectly to love and be loved, and every moment of life does not have to be perfect to be of value. Too often, I realize, we fail to see the glorious reality of the simple joy that abounds in the seemingly mundane routine of day-to-day living. Instead, we tend to idolize the past, idealize the future, and devalue the present. We complain abundantly, we worry too much, and we appreciate too little. We forget Amulek’s exhortation to “live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which [God] doth bestow upon” us (Alma 34:38), as well as Alma’s counsel to “let [our] heart be full of thanks unto God” (Alma 37:37). What better way to show our appreciation to Heavenly Father for what we have than to embrace our lives, albeit “ordinary” and “unexciting,” with joy?

Motherhood is not always idyllic; nevertheless, it is one of the greatest and most glorious experiences I have encountered. I have no doubt in my mind that whether it is performed in this life or the next, it is the most important work a woman will ever do. Just as the worth of a child is immeasurable, so is the worth of a righteous mother, and so is her joy”

Right on, Winnie. I also recently came across an old article in the Ensign that referred to a small plaque engraved with the following prayer:

Dear God,

We work and pray, but at the end of the day, no matter how hard we try, there are still many reasons to cry. So please send us angels to comfort us in our fears and help us turn the small successes into cheers. Amen.

I think I should hang that plaque in my kitchen.  I’m hoping angels come do the dishes and laundry tomorrow, but in the meantime, let’s hear it folks:  Three cheers for Stephanie and her clean sink.  “Hip, hip hooray.  Hip, hip…”

Oh, and don’t forget what Mary Poppins said, “A spoonful of chocolate makes the chores go down.”  Don’t tell me if I remembered that wrong.

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Reminder:  As of April 1, this blog will be hosted solely at http://www.diapersanddivinity.com (“wordpress” will no longer appear in the URL).  When that change takes place, the old feed will be reset and you will need to go there yourself and subscribe again (for the LAST time, I promise).  Any previous RSS feed will no longer work.