Why I have decided to ignore my children

woman with appleYou know how we are often told to turn away negative thoughts and voices that make us question our self-worth and potential?  Well, now I am faced with a moral dilemma.  On the one hand, I should nurture my children and be a good listener.  On the other, I should ignore voices like this:

 

 

Grant:  Um, Mom, let me look at your teeth… (invasion of personal space) … Your teeth are brown.

Me:  What?  They’re not brown!

Grant:  Yeah, they are.  They’re brown.

Clark:  Let me look.  (in my grill)  Oh, yeah. … Maybe the other day at the baseball game some dirt flew in the air and got on your teeth.

Me:  (blink, blink, stunned silence.)

Natalie:  I wanna look.  (3 children on my lap, staring disgustedly at my now-faded smile)  Oh.

And you can see that, clearly, I should no longer listen to my children if I want to keep any shred of dignity or warped acceptance of my own appearance.

Elder Marvin J. Ashton said (and I tweaked):  

In the world, where there are often voices of pessimism and negative feelings [my children], the voice of gladness is welcome indeed. Some seem to live with doubt, fear of the future, and sorrow for the past [or renewed shame in their less-than-gleaming-white teeth]. If it is our nature to criticize or demean, we can cause the voices of gladness to be silenced [and one’s desire to smile to be eliminated]. We need those who bring gladness into our lives. We need those who give encouragement and reflect optimism.

Sincere yet simple words of praise can lift souls and bring gladness. Mark Twain remarked that he could live two months on one good compliment. In the words of the biblical proverbs of Solomon: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” (Prov. 25:11.)

Encouragement can be quick and simple, but it is a voice of gladness that is needed by everyone.

So, I made a few decisions today:

1.  Ignore my children.

2.  Remember to say nice things to other moms because their children probably sucked all of their self-worth out of them.

3.  Call Matt to find out if our Health Savings Account covers any kind of cosmetic dentistry.  (I did. It doesn’t.)

A few good men

ensign dadsThis blog is intended to celebrate (and laugh at) motherhood, and it’s true that we are all amazing (feel free to replace that with whatever other narcissistic adjective makes you feel good), but I’ve felt inspired to give dads their moment in the spotlight today.

Whenever the general conference issue of the Ensign is published, I love to flip through the pages and look at the pictures.  I don’t know why really, they’ve never seemed extraordinarily inspiring– maybe I’m self-absorbed enough to believe that I’ll actually know some of the people in those photos and be kind of famous by association.  Anyway, the picture above caught my eye.   I looked at it for a minute or so, and it actually brought tears to my eyes.  I’m not a very weepy person, really, but something about it was so endearing to me.  I felt so proud of them (strangers–they all live in Ukraine, so I didn’t date any of them or anything) because they stood there under that picture of the Savior holding little children and just being dads in every right sense of the word.  And in a very Grinch-like way, my heart grew a few sizes in honor of the good fathers out there who are being what God intended them to be.

My husband I were laughing the other night about a music mix I had in college called the Love is False and Men Suck Mix.  I probably don’t have to go into great detail about what kind of mood I was in when I would listen to it, but my dating years taught me that many men were irresponsible, selfish, and pretty undisciplined.  (I’m generalizing… there were also a few nice boys that just happened to be too dumb to fall completely in love with me.)  Even now, with a husband who is a righteous and honorable man, I sometimes find myself losing faith in mankind in general.  I make the mistake of reading the news or watching TV and I start thinking about what a bunch of decadent pigs they are.

I spent time this summer with a dear friend from my college years (and actually a co-creator of that Love is False mix) and we discussed this topic among many other long-lost girlfriend kinds of topics.  She said something to me that changed my attitude.  I’ll paraphrase.  “You know, I think that’s all part of Satan’s plan.  He wants us to look at men like walking [male anatomy].  That destroys the possibility of having meaningful relationships and loving families.  Think of all the shows on TV…. how many of them have male characters that are kind, caring, compassionate or anything resembling righteous?  Just like Satan wants men to see all women in the wrong way, he also wants us women to see men as something less than they were meant to be.”  Okay, I really paraphrased a lot, but that was her basic point and it chastened me.  She was so right.  I’d been suckered into believing a little bit of what Satan wanted me to believe.  And since then, I’ve tried harder to appreciate the divine role of men and give them more credit for the good, even great things they do.

So to the three Ukranian fathers and all the good dads out there who do this:

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and this:

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and this:

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and this:

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and this:

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Thank You!  You make it easy for our hearts to love you and for our children to respect you. God Bless all the good men that are still doing the right things for the right reasons.

“How much more beautiful would be the world and the society in which we live if every father looked upon his children as the most precious of his assets, if he led them by the power of his example in kindness and love, and if in times of stress he blessed them by the authority of the holy priesthood; and if every mother regarded her children as the jewels of her life, as gifts from the God of heaven, who is their Eternal Father, and brought them up with true affection in the wisdom and admonition of the Lord.” — Gordon B. Hinckley

Happy Father’s Day.

(This post was originally published on November 10, 2008.  I posted it again to recreate my lost archives, and in honor of Father’s Day and Matt’s birthday this weekend.  I love you, Matt.)

I’m alive and well . . . well, mostly well.

EFY_Theme_2009_smallSo, I just got back this afternoon from my journey to Brigham Young University to speak at Especially for Youth.  I had a good experience overall.  I get pretty nervous when I teach at EFY, mostly because I put a lot of pressure on myself to be exceptional.  I just figure if they fly you all the way out there, and the kids pay money to come, you better do a pretty darn good job, so I stress out a little bit hoping I can measure up to expectations.  Some have asked what I taught about, so here are the titles and class descriptions.  I taught each class twice.

General Conference Workshop:  What God’s Saying Today
There are living prophets on earth that speak for our Heavenly Father and teach us what He wants us to know; Their teachings are relevant to our happiness and essential for our safety. This class will be a study of the recent words from the First Presidency and Twelve Apostles. In a workshop setting, you will practice studying and personally applying the modern revelation that we hear at General Conference.

The Law of the Harvest:  Growing the Life You Want
The Savior spoke a simple parable about planting seeds that teaches us about our own role in achieving our goals. We’ll look at the spiritual and day-to-day applications of the Law of the Harvest, including how it helps us to better understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Get Over Yourself.
Do you sometimes find yourself consumed with your own feelings, problems, worries and disappointments? Jesus Christ taught us how we can lose our lives in His service, and He promises that our burdens can be made light. We’ll discuss ways that you can step outside of yourself, turn your focus to others and the Savior, and develop a Zion heart.

Mission Prep 101:  How to Start Now to Become the Best Missionary You Can Be
The Lord needs the very best to do His work. We will study and discuss what the modern-day prophets and apostles teach about how to best prepare for missionary service. There’s much you can do right now to invest in a successful and powerful mission. Even if you are undecided about a mission, these suggestions will help you live a happier life right now as a disciple of Jesus Christ.

The good news:

1.  I got to go out to dinner with this lovely lady Mary, who I only knew through her comments here on my blog.  It was so fun.  I have to say that this meeting friends online business is totally legit.  She was charming and bright, and I couldn’t believe how many connections and coincidental life experiences we shared.  I’ve always been a tad bit skeptical of Internet dating and such (with all the weirdos out there and all–  Mary assured me that she was NOT really a 50-year old predator named Victor).  But, if this had been an internet dating event, and I happened to be a guy, I would definitely ask Mary to go on a second date.  My husband will say that was a dumb thing to say, but I know you women will understand what I meant and what I didn’t mean.  Thanks Mary!

2.  While I was gone, a delicious batch of homemade Pecan Praline Fudge arrived at my house from the lovely Melanie J. My dad was so excited to receive it in my absence.  He did leave some for me, thank goodness, but if it had not arrived, it’s possible that my parents’ stint as babysitters for four days may not have been worth it.  As it is, they left content, and with a bag of the last remaining pieces of fudge for the road trip home.  Thank you, Melanie!

3.  So after I teach each class, I always feel a little unsettled because it’s so hard to tell if it went well or not.  You think it went okay, but you’re never sure.  A few youth come up and say “Thank you,” or even that they liked the class a lot, but you still wonder if they’re just saying that to be polite since you flew all the way out there to talk to them and all.  Anyway, I always wish there were some instant feedback button where their heads all light up when they feel the Spirit of the talk and make some life-changing decision based on your message.  Or maybe not.  But anyway, at the end of my last class yesterday, the room emptied as all the youth ran off to enjoy their much-anticipated free time.  One boy, probably about 16 years old, came back into the room and approached me as I was packing up my things.  He says softly, “Um, this is going to sound kind of cheesy, but . . . when I came into your class today, I didn’t know if I was going to serve a mission or not, but now I’m going to go.”  I said, “That’s awesome!  That’s not cheesy.  That’s how the Spirit works; it changes you.”  He smiled and said, “Yeah, so thanks.”  “Thank you. You totally made my day.”  He left.  And I cried.  I figured that even if all my talks sucked and I got horrible evaluations, just that one kid who made that decision made it all worth it.  Seriously.

The bad news:

Apparently all that nervous pressure I put on myself about my talks took a toll on me a little bit.  I developed a tension headache by the end of each day, and last night my Tylenol didn’t quite put a dent in it.  I slept really poorly all night long, and by the time I woke up, it was a migraine.  My sweet brother Steve drove me to the airport at 5, yes, 5 a.m., and the oncoming headlights and streetlights were making me nauseous.  Combined with the vibration of the car and the sounds on the radio, my head was experiencing some serious sensory overload.  We stopped and I bought some Excedrin at a gas station, but a few minutes down the road, I knew I was not well.  “I think I’m going to throw up.  For real!”  Steve was flying down the freeway and it all happened so fast.  I emptied out his Wal-Mart bag and used it as my receptacle.  It had a hole.  It had been many, many years since I threw up last, and I have a phobia, so it was not pretty.  Poor Steve was driving with one hand and patting me on the back with the other, seemingly unaffected by the fact that I was filling his passenger seat with bodily refuse.  Did I already say it was not pretty?

He pulled over to a 7-11, where I pulled my drenched lower half slowly out of the car and went to the trunk to dig some dirty (but dry) pants and underwear from my suitcase.  The restroom was locked and a sign said “Out of Service,” but the attendant took one look at me and let me in.  I actually did feel much better after I puked and changed my clothes, and luckily I was fine for my two flights home.  I still have a slight headache now, but I’m lucky I was able to fly as well as I did today.  So, I’m off to bed in hopes that a good night’s sleep will do wonders.  It’s good to be home.

Women’s Conference chapter 6: Prayer

44-06See? I eventually get around to finishing my goals.  After I get back from EFY next week, I’ll write about Sister Beck’s talk, which was my favorite message from Women’s Conference.

These are notes from the class, “Meaningful Prayer:  Holy Communication + Consecrated Work,” taught by Renee Wood and C. Robert Line.  It was based on this talk by Elder David A. Bednar, which I’d still like to go back and read.  As a preface, I really liked this class.  Thought I’d throw that out there in case it encourages you to actually read on.

Part 1:  Sister Wood

  • Prayer became critical after Adam and Eve left the garden– a lifeline, complete and total dependance.
  • Prayer OPENS the door.  Why deal with life alone?  Pray in specifics– as if He’s right there.  He is.
  • We must commit to prayer.  D&C 88:63– “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”
  • Sis. Wood told stories from her life and how prayer had been essential.  She had some major challenges:  a sudden, unexpected divorce after 18 1/2 years of marriage, a son who became wayward and lost spiritually, a sister with recurring cancer, etc.  At one point she described her feelings as “I didn’t know someone could hurt so much and still be alive.”  Her story moved me and gave me gratitude for my blessings and the Atonement that can swallow up that kind of pain.  She testified of how prayer made miracles and healing happen in her life and in her family.
  • Just like in Mosiah 24:15, even when the Lord does not take away the trial, He does strengthen our backs to bear them.
  • Answers to prayers always require actions.
  • The key:  Pray with sincerity of heart, listen, accept His will.  Our faith will be strengthened.

Part 2:  Brother Line

  • The prayer of faith requires us to plead and to perform.  It is our duty.
  • Alma 34:28— “And now behold, my beloved brethren, I say unto you, do not suppose that this is all; for after ye have done all these things, if ye turn away the needy, and the naked, and visit not the sick and afflicted, and impart of your substance, if ye have, to those who stand in need—I say unto you, if ye do not any of these things, behold, your prayer is vain, and availeth you nothing, and ye are as hypocrites who do deny the faith.”
  • Elder Eyring taught in this talk that we need to couple prayer with scriptures.
  • There are three pieces of the combination lock to answered prayer:
  1. Faith
  2. Personal righteousness
  3. what is “right” for us

All three must be in place for us to receive what it is that we’re asking for.  Often 1 &2 are there, but it is not what is “right” for us.  Our rejected petitions teach us about our flawless Father.

  • In Mere Christianity (p. 101-102), C.S. Lewis stated that sometimes our process of failing and trying again is what we need.  It trains our habits of the soul.
  • This scripture gives us the formula of how to receive answers to our prayers: D&C 9:8-9–   “But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it* be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought…”
  1. Study.
  2. Make a decision. (*implied.  You have to make a choice first.)
  3. Ask if it’s right.
  4. Get an answer:

a.  burning in the bosom/ feel that it is right = Yes.

b.  stupor of thought/uneasy = No.

c.  Neither a. nor b/ Father witholds an answer. =  He wants us to gain experience, and act with faith and obedience to revealed principles of truth.  GREAT quote by Elder Richard G. Scott:

“When He withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth. We are expected to assume accountability by acting on a decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation. We are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken. We are to act.

Most often what we have chosen to do is right. He will confirm the correctness of our choices His way. That confirmation generally comes through packets of help found along the way. We discover them by being spiritually sensitive. They are like notes from a loving Father as evidence of His approval. If, in trust, we begin something which is not right, He will let us know before we have gone too far. We sense that help by recognizing troubled or uneasy feelings.”

  • D&C 8:23 teaches us that when something is right, the Lord will let us know in our mind and in our heart.  Elder Holland taught that this is like a checks and balances to help us recognize the truth:  God teaches in a reasonable and revelatory way.

Anyway, these were some great reminders to me about prayer.  Although I pray many times throughout the day in my mind and heart, I need to do more on-my-knees, heart-pouring-out praying.  And I loved how he explained God’s pattern for answering (or not answering) prayers.  I hope something has been helpful to you, too.

I’ll post up the new GCBC post on Sunday, but then I’ll be noticeably absent for a few days while I’m teaching at EFY next week.  Don’t think I decided to hate you if I don’t show up at your blogs for a while as I play catch-up.  Have a great weekend.

Hitting myself where it hurts

Maybe you react to anger very responsibly.  I on the other hand, tend to temporarily enforce a semi-silent treatment, or roll my eyes and make glaring mean-mom faces, or start lots of sentences with “Why can’t…?” in an accusatory

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voice. Oh, and I do lots of really grumpy sighs, too.  Yah, I know, really mature.

I read a book last week that made me look at relationships a lot differently.  The author made a really cool analogy that I’ve thought about several times since.  He pointed out how after dislocating a shoulder, the main character did not get angry at the shoulder or treat it roughly as a reaction to the pain it caused him, but rather nursed it and cared for it gently.  It was a part of him, and had to be treated in a way to make his whole being better again.  This story was then tied in to the scripture in the Bible (1 Corinthians 12) about the body of Christ:

12 For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ.      •  •  •

27 Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.

Anyway, since our goal is to be at one with Christ, and at one with each other, we should be much more forgiving and nurturing towards others even when they hurt us or cause us pain, like He is with us.

Naturally, the people I should be the most “at one” with are my husband and children.  This analogy opened my eyes to the fact that I sinfully tend to give them the cold shoulder or use my “I’m annoyed” tone of voice or give thoughtless sarcastic answers with them when they (probably unintentionally) bug me, hurt my feelings, or cause me inconvenience.  But I would never try to act gruffly like that to an injured part of my own body, even if it were hurting me; I would care for it and give it even more nurture than normal.  Well, I feel like I haven’t been able to explain my self well, but I hope it made some sense to someone.

The point is, in the last little while, I’m trying to work on reacting to my own “suffering” with a greater dose of kindness toward the cause of that suffering.  Just one more thing to work on in the quest to become a little more Christ-like.  (That grumpy sigh part will be tricky to overcome.  Wish me luck.)

(This entry was originally posted Sept. 3, 2008.  I’m rebuilding my lost archives.)