Category Archives: Divinity

The spiritual side of motherhood.

Loving what I love, on purpose.

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Winter is dreary.  I don’t care for it much.  Last year I got in a winter funk for a while, and the thing that helped me come out of it was realizing that I needed to pray to love what the Lord loves.  Doing that helped to to recognize the previously unrecognizable joy that can be found in what may be otherwise considered boring drudgery.  I did not start dancing around on tiptoes and whistling happy tunes all the time, but it really did help.

Today I realized that in addition to loving what the Lord loves, I need to do a better job of loving what I love.  It’s easy to focus too much on things that bug me, especially the things that repeat themselves over and over again.  I found today that I could distract myself from that kind of annoyed-out-of-my-brain-zone by thinking about stuff I really love and then intentionally reaching out for it.  This afternoon it was as simple as putting on some of my favorite tunes and singing along while I cleaned the kitchen.  When I realized what a positive effect that had on me, I started listing in my mind as many things as I could think of that I LOVE, and then I started planning out how to make those things a bigger part of my days.  So, for my own record-keeping purposes, and for your reading (or time-wasting) pleasure, I give you . . .

THE LIST OF THINGS I LOVE:

1.  Music I love: Latin music.  My Contemporary Latin channel on Pandora.com.  Alejandro Fernandez, Enrique Iglesias, Luis Miguel, Juanes, Soraya, Shakira.  I love it.  And on Sundays, I love having peaceful, inspirational music playing in the kitchen.  English is fine.  🙂

2.  Books I love: As I wrote about recently, I’ve rediscovered my love for reading.  I love a good book. I always love Jane Austen, and I’ve reread her books a couple times this last year.  I just finished Man’s Search for Meaning yesterday, and I started The Shadow of the Wind today.  Yay.

3.  Shows I love: Right now, I’m into watching Masterpiece Classics on Netflix after the kids go to bed.  Last night I watched a couple episodes of Jane Eyre.  I love watching House Hunters International on HGTV and pretending I’m house shopping throughout the world while I fold laundry.  One day Matt’s going to wake up and find out I accidentally bought a beach house in Nicaragua while he was sleeping.  I kind of like American Idol and shows like Top Chef or Project Runway.

4.  Things I love to look forward to: I love planning fantasy vacations, even though I rarely end up taking them.  My favorite travel site is travelzoo.com.  I find some kickin’ deals on there.  Last week I booked 4 nights in Cancun, all-inclusive, for all five of us, for $306.  !!!  I probably won’t end up going because I can’t find affordable airfare, but still.  (Never fear, I called and checked on the cancellation policy before I booked.)  Travel agent is high on my list of Jobs I Know I’d Be Awesome At (along with children’s librarian, restaurant critic, and real estate agent).  I also love to plan parties or group dates or girls’ nights or other get-togethers… not necessarily all the details of parties– I’m pretty simple, but I like to come up with reasons to have parties and have something to look forward to.

5.  Things I love to feel: Sunshine.  Sunshine and breeze are even better.  A warm fireplace.  My cozy bed.  Holding hands.  Soft, comfy clothes.  Warm socks.  The sound of wind blowing through leaves on the trees.  Hot cocoa in my hands.  Love. Contentment. The Holy Ghost.

6. Things I love to eat.  Lately I’ve been really craving baked sweets, like cupcakes or cookies– not healthy, I know, but it’s fun to bake something occasionally.  My favorite things to cook in the winter are crock pot comfort foods.  I make a really yummy chili, and I have a favorite soup, Salsa Chicken and Black Bean Soup, that I make a lot.  I love restaurants.  I don’t hate cooking, but I love to eat anything that other people make. 🙂

7.  Things I love to do with my children: There are plenty of things that I don’t like to do with my children.  I’m not a great play mom; I confess it and embrace it.  I do, however, love to read with my children.  I love to cuddle and read them stories, even better if it’s by a fire.  I love to play music and dance with them.  When it’s warmer, I like to camp with them and go on walks and hikes with them.  Lately we’ve been playing a card game called Monopoly Deal, and I actually like that better than most games.  (I’d rather stick forks in my eyes than play Candyland, but I digress.  This is about things I love.) I love to laugh with my children.  I love to take them to places that I love.  I especially love to take them to plays and theater productions.  I took Natalie to an Irish Dance show last week and I’m taking the boys to see a Broadway production of Peter Pan tonight.  I like family movie night.  I love one-on-one time with them.

10.  Things I love about Natalie (4): Her enthusiastic eyes.  She’s my brave food taster.  She remembers where everything is and always helps me find stuff.  She asks lots of questions and always understands the answers.  She loves her brothers and she ADORES her dad.  Her decided determination and positive confidence.  I can’t wait to see what a beautiful and good woman she will be.

11.  Things I love about Clark (6): His smile.  He really wants to do the right thing (sometimes it’s deep down).  He has a burning independent testimony of the gospel.  He is a quick learner and an avid reader.  He has always been a “bouncer”– he gets so excited about things that he can NOT sit still.  He is a great sharer.  Clark has feelings to the extreme:  when he is happy, it is joy.  When he is sad or angry, it’s all the way.  No one in the world loves good food as much as Clark.  I think he will surprise us with how much he can do and do well.

12.  Things I love about Grant (8): He is a sensitive soul and feels things deeply.  He is fiercely independent, and yet, doesn’t like to be alone.  He is a self-appointed leader.  He is smart and intuitive.  He is my cuddliest child; he loves and craves human touch.  He is generous and likes to heal people’s sadness.  He says the best prayers.  He’s going to be a great man, I can tell.

13.  Things I love about Matt: He is the best dad ever.  He gets me and likes me anyway.  He is a master apologizer and never criticizes (even when he should).  He has no idea how good he is.  My favorite part of my future.

14.  Things I love about myself: I am principle-driven and try to do what’s right.  I’m a pretty good problem solver and a peacemaker (if a determined conflict-avoider can be called thus).  I think I’m a good friend; I try hard to keep in touch with people I love, and I try to make them feel remembered and appreciated.  I try to give good advice.  I love to teach.

These are the things that I’m going to turn to when I start to forget how much there is to love, even on bad days.  There’s truly so much to be thankful for and to enjoy.

There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. . . . Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. . . . Let us not partake of the negative spirit so rife in our times. There is so much of the sweet and the decent and the beautiful to build upon. . . . I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we “accentuate the positive.” I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good . . . What I am suggesting is that each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. ”  — Gordon B. Hinckley

(Thanks to Erika who took these pictures of my family. She was fantastic and even brought us cookies.  Blogging has introduced me to such wonderful people.)

Some days probably shouldn’t be journaled.

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My first clue that today wasn’t going to be great was my Facebook status at 7 a.m.: “I made the mistake of reading the morning news headlines. People are stupid. And now I’m in a bad mood.” Note to self: Don’t do that anymore. It totally sucks the positive energy out of your day. From that point on, everything bugged me. The weather, the Cheerios on the floor, the last-minute scrambles for gloves/coats/boots on the way out the door to the bus, the lame breakfast options, the fact that I live here, and my friends all seem far away (because they ARE), old people shouldn’t be allowed to drive, etc. You get the point —–> Grumpy!

I’ve never struggled with any serious depression or anything (and don’t worry, I don’t credit myself for that other than luck), but I’ve noticed that I do have a lot more “bad days” in the wintertime. Today was one of those. I volunteered at Clark’s school with some very nice people who were kind and helpful, but I still couldn’t shake off the negative energy. So by the time I picked up Natalie from preschool, I could tell I needed to be more proactive about my mood status, so we went to a bakery and I bought a peanut butter brownie. That helped a little, except that there was this woman there who had obviously done so much plastic surgery to herself that she looked awful, and then I started hating the universe again. (I can already tell I’m going to regret this post.) I started having conversations with myself that were half-pathetic and half-existential. “I wonder if everyone in the world is weird, and I’m the only normal one?, or maybe everyone else is normal and I’m just weird?” (Remember I had read bad headlines this morning and I was already mad at those people.) So in a moment of self-pity, I said to Natalie, who was happily munching her cupcake, “Natalie, are you glad I’m your mommy?” She quickly replied, “I like daddy.” “I know you like daddy, but are you glad I’m your mommy?” She kept her head still but pointed her eyeballs up at the ceiling, “N-O, no.” She said something like, “Alright, alright, I’m just kidding…. yeeesss,” but overall, my trip to the bakery wasn’t that helpful either.

My next attempt at improvement was a little less stellar, but overall more effective.  When we got back to the house, I stuck “Olivia Takes Ballet” in the DVD player and selected “Play All.”  I told Natalie I was going to go lie down, and I did.  I quickly dozed off (Oh, how I love a nap!) and slept for about 40 minutes.  I heard Clark come home from school and I opened my eyes and knew I needed to get up and face the music.  (Music is a code word for a chaotic blend of snacks, chores, homework, squabbling, and other kid-induced discomfort.) I stared out the window for a minute and my eyes fell on my scriptures on the bedside table.  I thought, “Maybe I should read my five pages now instead of waiting until bedtime.”  It helped a lot.  I read about Lehi’s dream and how he found himself in a “dark and dreary world,” and I thought about how it really is dark and dreary sometimes, but then he prayed to the Lord and pleaded for mercy and was brought out of that darkness into a spacious field where he could see the Tree of Life and find his way to the joy that it offered.  So I thought about how we don’t have to get stuck in that dreary part or get tricked into thinking that’s all there is because the Lord can help us find bright open spots with a better view and blessings in sight.  By that time, Grant was home from school, too, and Clark burst in the room yelling about something, so I still have one page left to finish tonight.  And that’s pretty much when my day started over.  Thank goodness.

So I’m going to try to think of a bright, spacious field with a glowy, shiny tree full of joy-fruit the next time things seem dark and dreary, which happens sometimes in the winter. Peanut butter brownies, naps, and exotic beachfront getaways are nice, too.  Two out of three ‘aint bad.

Confession and Resolution: Scriptures

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(For the record, my family scripture study has never looked like this picture … too much smiling, too few injuries … but it’s a cute picture anyway.  A happy piece of fiction to strive for.)

My readers are geniuses.  Obviously.  So I love it when I vent, and you come back with two really really important things:  empathy and ideas.  I’ve noticed that Annie and I are alike in one thing in particular.  When we’re not happy with the way something is going, we both come up with big plans/programs/routines/systems/control-freak-type-mind-control-over-our-children-or-marriage-or-weight (or whatever the issue at hand is) efforts.  So her comment on my boo-hoo post about post-holiday detox knocked me back into my real self again:

“Thankfully, they do make Christmas rehab. It’s called New Year’s Resolutions.”

Of course.  That’s what I do.  I’ve got to break down our “issues” one by one and make plans to remedy them.  First up to bat:  Scriptures.  Over the holiday season, our scripture study fell through the cracks.  I realize this is ridiculously ironic since Christmas time is, you know, all scripturey and stuff.  We did lots of random nativity-related verses and studying, but we lost the routine, the habit…  and frankly, as it’s obvious now, we lost the blessings.

So, tonight for family home evening, we’re going to revisit the importance of scripture study and decide as a family how to best tackle this needed element of our family routine.  I have to come to a discussion like this with a few ideas already in place or we’ll end up discussing ad nauseum things like, “can we have refreshments every time we read scriptures?” and “When are we having another family movie night?” or “Did I tell you that I scored all the points at basketball practice last week?.”  Since a family changes as children grow, I’m thinking that our scripture study needs to be constantly adapting to meet reading levels, individual children’s needs, etc.  My proposal will be this:  We’re going to do scripture study as a family divided.  That may sound counter-intuitive, but I think it will work.  At bedtime, Either Matt or I will go with Grant (who just turned 8 and will be baptised very soon) and let him read one page out of the Book of Mormon.  We’ll discuss for clarity.  The other will go with Clark and Natalie, and Clark can read to Natalie out of the illustrated Scripture Stories.  (Really, if you have preschoolers or early readers and don’t have these, you NEED them.)  Then we can articulate the main message/lesson from the story we read and bear testimony of those principles.  And we are going to do it EVERY. NIGHT. (Within reason.  Sometimes they fall asleep in the car or one of us has an evening commitment, but I want these exceptions to be RARE.)

Anyway.  Here are the quotes I found to talk about tonight:

One of the best ways to draw near unto Him and to both learn about and become more like the Lord Jesus Christ is to consistently study the holy scriptures—to daily “feast upon the words of Christ” (2 Ne. 32:3).     –Elder David A. Bednar

We encourage everyone to make careful study of the scriptures … and to prayerfully seek personal revelation to know their meaning for themselves.  – Elder Dallin H. Oaks

I promise you … that if you will study the scriptures diligently, your power to avoid temptation and to receive direction of the Holy Ghost in all you do will be increased.  — President Thomas S. Monson

There are powerful moments of communication through regular family prayer and through family scripture study. The scriptures will help define family values and goals, and talking together about them will assist family members to learn to become individually secure, spiritually strong, and self-reliant.  – Elder M. Russell Ballard

I printed them out and cut them out and we’ll read them, and hang them up on the wall next to this picture as a reminder of our commitment to our new goals.

And also?  Ahem. I’ve decided that I, personally, am going to take up Jocelyn on her challenge and read 5 pages of the Book of Mormon a day.  Starting today.  According to her calculations, this means I will finish it by Easter.  I need to do it.  Anyone want to join us?

I’m sure many of you have your own ideas of what/how/when to do scripture study.  Feel free to share them in the comments below because it’s always helpful to get new ideas.

Perhaps it’s time I analyze the world in general.

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I haven’t done a real post in about a month.  Life got busy, but life is always busy.  Sometimes it gets so busy your brains almost fall out.  That’s where I went, but not because I’m some psycho over-scheduler or anything… stuff just happens.  Trips to see family, trips for family to see you, Christmas (enough said), children in hospital, loved ones in hospital, and somehow all the regular routines and demands of life don’t take a break during that time (food prep, laundry, housekeeping, obligations at school and church, etc.).  I’m not complaining because a quick look back at your own calendar probably reveals a really similar cacophony of activity.

Anyway, when life gets a little …. shall we say “challenging?”…there are usually a lot of lessons to be learned.  Here’s some of the stuff I’ve been thinking about lately.  (I’m not promising it’s profound or unique, but it’s where I am right now.)

  • When things are so busy, it’s hard to maintain function.  This helps me understand why it’s important to keep our lives as simple and focused-on-the-essentials as possible.  It almost leaves room for crisis, which is sure to occasionally come along.
  • Also, we can go into superhuman mode for a little while and accomplish more than seems possible.  It’s a small kind of miracle that meets the needs at hand, but we cannot maintain daily life in that kind of mode and expect to … here it comes again … function.  Our minds and bodies reach a point where we push their limits and they need rest.  They need recovery.  We have to be able to dial it all back and take care of our basic needs so that we can be useful and helpful again.  For me, I call that limit “oatmeal brain.”  It’s where my mind is so tired of problem-solving that it needs a nap.  And chocolate.
  • People are good.  It’s an amazing thing to watch when family, friends, and even acquaintances step up and rally around someone in crisis.  My brother was in the hospital for 6 days last week.  I’ve witnessed people making visits, preparing food for, offering blessings, sending up prayers, writing encouraging notes, providing childcare and even cleaning and moving all out of love and concern for someone who is suffering.  I understand how busy life can be, so it’s a beautiful sacrifice to watch and a calming reminder that there are still lots and lots of wonderful people left in the world.
  • People are complicated.  Everyone has private struggles and heavy burdens.  Those challenges affect how people see the world and interact with others, sometimes in very intricate and mysterious ways.  It’s easy for us to judge others because our own heartscape and mindscape are so different.  Why doesn’t he just….?  Why can’t she …? It’s way more complicated than that, and we just don’t get it.  It’s a miracle that we’re able to have healthy relationships at all, but I can only attribute that to the grace of Christ and charity– the ability to see others as He sees them.

“I consider charity—or “the pure love of Christ”—to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.

I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others.”  – President Thomas S. Monson

  • This is even (maybe especially) true in family relationships.  Maybe part of the reason that God wants us to have families is 1. to get to know someone on an intimate level (faults and all) and still love them, 2. to realize that despite all our familiarity, there’s more to them than we see, and 3. to rely on God to help us treat them the way they need to be treated.  Our Heavenly Father, after all, knows our minds and our hearts and even our nothingness, and loves us with a love that is greater than we can comprehend.  He succors us individually in just the ways we need most.  He shows us how family should be done.  This is hard to do.  Really, really hard.  Especially when we have plenty of our own challenges to deal with.  Maybe this is naive of me, but I think that as we reach out to others in mercy and love, our own suffering will find some refuge and relief.  I just know that we need each other and we need the Lord.
  • Lest you think I sit around having deep thoughts all the time, I’ve also learned that if you put a Lindt dark chocolate truffle and white chocolate truffle in your mouth at the same time, it tastes satisfyingly like a milk chocolate truffle.  I’ve learned that children also have a temporary period of monster-like behavior following a period of vacation.  And I’ve decided that right before a child gets baptized, Satan must get a 90-day free trial with them just so they actually have a good pile of sins to wash away on the big day.

So how about you?  Has life been whispering any lessons to you lately?

Why I’m glad I believe in Jesus more than Santa

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Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a big fan of Santa.  He was a very magical part of my childhood, and his name is a very effective motivator around here during the holidays.  Today my children got a message from Santa reminding them to be good.  They nodded wide-eyed and recomitted themselves to a life of polite obedience. 

I started thinking about the difference between Santa and Jesus.  Here’s the thing.  On Santa’s plan, if I mess up, I run the risk of not getting what I wish for.  He’s kind of jolly about it and all, and come next year, he’ll give me another chance, but when it comes right down to it… it’s a completely saved-by-works-alone kind of plan.

Jesus, on the other hand, isn’t so winking and ho-ho-ho jolly, but he’s just so much more . . . well, real.  He expects the best from us, but understands our human foibles.  And even when we make mistakes, even when we’re downright stupid, he still kind of blesses us.  He extends mercy without judgment and love without condition.  I mean, sure, he’s a “judge,” but not in measuring out love or assistance.  He will help us any time we let him, even when we’ve been naughty.  When we don’t qualify for a single gift, he still offers us the greatest gifts that can ever be given:  grace, mercy, forgiveness.  Santa’s a toy maker; Jesus is a joy maker.

So Santa Claus is cool and all, but I love Jesus best.

Merry Christmas, everyone.