I already posted this on Facebook today, but thought I’d immortalize it on the blog. The following is an email my mom forwarded to me today. Matt wrote it to her in August 2004. She had just gone home from helping me after Clark’s birth, and wanted to know how we were holding up now that I was on my own. Grant was 19 months old. Behold:

“I just got a call from Steph. By 9:58 a.m. today, Grant attacked Clark with a strangle throwdown chokehold, off the couch. This led to immediate spankings. Grant sneaked off and ate the nightlight lightbulb from the nursery. Fortunately, he didn’t swallow it. Grant hid behind the recliner while Steph fed Clark. He wrapped the baby monitor cord around his neck. When he started crying, he wouldn’t come over to Steph. She got up and found him ‘plugged’ to the wall, unable to move.

While Grant was destroying something in the nursery, she laid Clark on the bed for a moment. He projectile vomited 5 feet across the new duvet cover. Grant then scattered all the diapers in the linen closet down the hallway. At least 100 of them. For his midmorning snack, Grant tried eating Clean & Clear face lotion.”

All that in about two hours’ time. And this was a typical day. This, my friends, proves that it is a miracle that we are all still alive and that I did not turn to whiskey. And by the way, I don’t ever remember spanking my kids, but after reading this, I don’t feel guilty one bit.

And then, in a conversation with another friend about abhorrent car behavior by children, she asked me to repost this gem from 2008:

Evil Genius

Step aside, Super Nanny. I’ve found the trick to controlling children’s behavior in the car.

Don’t look so surprised. Oh yes I did. And there’s a button for it.

When your children are acting like crazy freaks in the car (yelling, wiggling, kicking, fighting, etc.), just point out the rear defrost button on your dashboard. Warn them that your vehicle came with an eject button that can shoot them out the window. If they act dubious and say, “you’re just kidding, right, mom?,” let them take a close look at the button. There are clearly three lines representing three children being thrown out the window.

Then spend the next five minutes in peaceful solitude while your children begin to let this new reality sink in. Imagine the phone calls that will come soon from Super Nanny’s producers. You’re welcome.