Pre-dawn ponderings

It’s 4- something in the morning and I’ve been lying awake in bed for over an hour, so I thought “Hey, maybe I should get up and do something productive since I’m not sleeping.”  And blogging sounded a lot more fun then laundry.  I don’t suffer from insomnia; I could sleep for a day straight probably, but when I get woken up (my children pee in their beds through their nighttime diapers on a regular basis and we have midnight sheet changing rituals.  My pediatrician swears it’s normal, but I’m ready to hook everyone up to some kind of automatic electro-shock system and stop giving them liquids after breakfast.), well, then I think too much and it’s hard to go back to sleep.


So, lucky you.  Welcome to my sleep-deprived midnight musings.

With all the sickness around here lately, and a handful of unexpected drama in other areas of my life, there’s been a sense of trudging knee-deep through some drudgery lately.  I won’t lie, I’ve felt overwhelmed and run-down.  I can feel it getting better now as it always does once you just get through it and start to get to the other side.  Matt’s been down with the flu the last couple days and Natalie’s been taking care of him by bringing him pieces of candy (from the Great Pumpkin stash she discovered) and asking him if he feels better.  Matt, recognizing her nurturing instinct, said, “Natalie, thanks for taking care of me.  Are you like a mommy?”  She nodded and smiled and replied, “I’m a mudder (mother).”  Then she called me in the room and said, “Guess what mom?  I’m a mudder.”  I watched her with her kindness, and pride in her new title, and it was a grounding moment for me.  She saw the value in that nurturing role, embraced it, and wore it with pride.  There are days I forget that, but guess what everybody?  I’m a mudder.

I had an experience this week where some good intentions went wrong and I offended someone.  I know that I have a strong personality (I like to call it “resolute”), but I don’t think I’m controlling, and I really really hate contention, so I try not to rustle up fights or drama.  I may have offended people many times and not known about it, but in this case, I was was made quickly and abruptly aware of my offenses.  Can I just say humility sucks?  It is hard to step back when you feel under attack and realize that maybe you need to make some improvements.  I had to pray my way through this one and then have a nervous-stomach, heart-pounding conversation and apologize for my mistakes.  Anyway, the whole drama is not the point, but I just wanted to testify that prayer works.  And priesthood blessings.  I  knew I was heard, and I knew I was not left alone in solving it.  I could feel that Heavenly Father understood my heart, but that he also wanted me to acknowledge and change some things.  He was so nice about it, but it still hurt a little, as all stretching does.  But there’s a new lightness and hope after He helped me understand it better.  It’s the beginning of learning process for me.

On a lighter note, I shaved my legs yesterday.  Um, maybe I’m running out of substance here.  I think I’ll go back to bed.


17 thoughts on “Pre-dawn ponderings

  1. Hiya,
    It’s 1am over here in New Zealand…not sure why I can’t sleep either.
    I think we need to tell our brains to switch off and give us a break 😉

    My midnight ramblings is….When the house is quiet and still, I am able to stop an appreciate my blessings. I really love my family, I love my kids. I’m grateful that I have the knowledge of the gospel. I am grateful that creativity and play is valued in our house.

    Now…I’m off to bed, but I have a funny feeling I’m going to regret my chosen bedtime tomorrow morning.

    Hope tomorrow is a good day for you!

  2. I love being a “mudder”! (I think anything with the word “udder” in it describes me perfectly right now!) I also like being humbled. Well…not really. It actually stinks to be humbled. But it sure does feel good when you wake up the morning after a massive crying spell and comfort given from your husband in the form of a blessing, tissues and a cuddle!

  3. I had an experience similar to what you’ve described. My sincerest apology didn’t fix anything. I felt like I did everything I could, but there were still hurt feelings, anger, and resentment. And these were all expressed openly to others. It was SO hard not to run around telling everyone “my”side of the story and defend my character. For a while, I didn’t even feel like going to church. It gets tricky when your spiritual/religious life is so intertwined with your social life. Anyway, I learned that if I’ve done everything I can to repair damage and I feel peace, that can be enough, even if the situation remains unresolved.

  4. I have had the same thing happen to me where I have offended someone without intending to–and they let me know right away. Such a hard (and very humbling) experience to go through. But I have learned through such experiences that my intentions, good as they may be, do not excuse me when I have hurt someone.

    PS, please note my new blog address–you will need to switch over your feed address to continue subscribing.

  5. That scripture in Ether that says the Lord will show us our weaknesses so that we can be humble? I cross reference that with President Kimball(?)’s quote that the Lord sees our needs and will usually use someone else as an instrument to bless us – and then I get that the Lord uses someone else to show me my weaknesses. It hurts. That’s when I find that “humble” and “Humiliated” are so very, very related.

  6. I think you and your family need to have a nice, quiet picnic on your living room floor. 😉

    I used to be the queen of “Open-Mouth-Insert-Foot” syndrome. I don’t want to think that I used to be utterly insensitive, I just had a big mouth and couldn’t keep a secret to save my life. I’ve learned over and over how TACT can be my friend – so much so, that I’ve turned it into an acronym: Think And Comment Thoughtfully. Often, my first reaction is to blurt out whatever I think at the moment, without stopping to think about how my opinion is going to affect the other person in the long run, but more often than not, I would end up offending them. It hurts, it’s not much fun, and I’m still learning how to keep my mouth shut when it’s appropriate.

  7. It might be a sign of just how unproductive I’ve been lately but I want to applaud the leg shaving nearly as much as the humility. And really, humility is great stuff. It’s heart warming and encouraging and gives so much hope for positive change…but too much of it I find makes me feel a little queasy…

  8. Sorry about the humility lesson, but I’m glad that you’re coming out of it now. That is never fun.

    Did you know that there actually is a device that sounds an alarm when your child starts to wet the bed at night? My sister had to use it with her 9 year-old. Her pediatrician also told her that it was normal to still be bed wetting, but she had 3 other little ones, and couldn’t stand it anymore. Her pediatrician finally relented and gave her (prescribed?) the alarm thing.
    It took a little while but it eventually did work. (I think it took a week or two)Now her second child is 9 and she’s going to do the same thing.

  9. You know that as president of the Foot in Mouth club, I salute and support you completely. And my mother always refused to change sheets. She’d hand us a towel to lay on and tell us to suck it up. It make waking up in the middle of the night preferable.

  10. Sigh. Great blog. I have enjoyed the posts that I’ve read. I was just thinking the other day, what a funny thing technology is. Anymore, if I want to see how a blogging friend is doing, I don’t call her, I pull up her blog. And while that seems so isolated and impersonal, here I am reading a blog and the comments of all sorts of ladies I don’t know, and I’m ready to meet and hug you all! So instead of thinking about the isolated-with-my-computer part, I’ll ruminate on the feelings of community that can be engendered among women spread out all over the world. 🙂 Nice to meet you, Steph, and everybody else, too.

  11. I loved annie valentine’s comment about the towels. I thought I was the only one who did that. It really does make that night time experience much easier to bear. Try it. You may like it!!! 🙂

    I wish I COULD shave my legs. My body won’t let me bend that far in any direction to get to all of my leg shaved so only the front and part of the sides get done. I wear pants or long skirts ALL the time. (Beats having someone put their foot in their mouth [with no tact at all] commenting on my hairy legs.)

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