I blog about different things for different reasons.  On occasion, I blog about something simply because I have a fire in my bones and I need to let it out.

Cue fire.  Cue bones.  Cue outlet.

Let’s talk about pornography, shall we?

This article was written as an opinion piece by a BYU student.  I’d like to highlight a few parts of her message:

Someone once told me, “Prophets don’t talk about pornography for fun.”

In the past five years, hardly a session of General Conference has passed without the brethren warning about the dangers of pornography. They have reason to warn. Pornography creates a shattering ripple effect impacting the viewer and surrounding. …

In 2010, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “Tragically, the same computer and Internet service that allows me to do my family history and prepare those names for temple work could, without filters and controls, allow my children or grandchildren access to a global cesspool of perceptions that could blast a crater in their brains forever.”

The ease of access to pornography through the internet has led to a dramatic increase of consumption and acceptance in society despite its negative effects. …

This is one area in which we simply cannot be complacent. We must be involved in the fight because it is no longer a question of if this will affect you, but when.

Ralph Yarro, a former Novell executive and anti-pornography advocate, told the Church News in 2007, “Wake up. Apathy will kill you here. If porn hasn’t touched your life already, it is going to rip huge, gaping holes in it.”

There’s more, so go read the full article.  It’s a topic that’s been on my mind anyway, but this has left me with a taste in my mouth.  Not bitterness, really, just … well, fire in my bones.  I have been blessed so far to not be in the direct line of fire of Satan’s sledgehammer, but its reach is far and wide.  I’ve seen it pound down hard on people I know and love.  Good people.  And once the shattering has happened, it’s a slow and painful process to heal.  I want to state that I know healing is possible because I absolutely believe in Jesus Christ and I believe there is no darkness that He cannot dispel and fill with light.  I believe in Him, so I believe in repentance, and I believe in restoration.  Having said that, this whole business really makes me want to punch Satan in the face.

I attended a women’s conference talk where Sister Beck said the following:

We have a huge problem in our families with pornography and the influence that it is having in our families. The powerful feeling that has been coming over me is, “Sisters, fight—fight, sisters.” You have the responsibility in your homes. Many of our women are being drawn into this behavior also. At our last general conference, President Thomas S. Monson gave “a word of caution to all—both young and old, both male and female.” This is our responsibility.

When I heard her say this, I felt the Holy Ghost.  This is part of our call as “lionesses at the gate” of our homes.  Even with our best efforts, this plague can affect our families, but it must be in spite of our best efforts.  The danger is too great to be ignored.

I quote some prophets:

Spencer W. Kimball:  “Members of the Church everywhere are urged to not only resist the widespread plague of pornography, but as citizens to become actively and relentlessly engaged in the fight against this insidious enemy of humanity around the world.”

Ezra Taft Benson:  “The prophet Lehi also saw our day in his great visionary dream of the tree of life. He saw that many people would wander blindly in the mists of darkness, which symbolized the temptations of the devil. (See 1 Ne. 12:17.) He saw some fall away “in forbidden paths,” others drown in rivers of filthiness, and still others wander in “strange roads.” (1 Ne. 8:28, 32.) When we read of the spreading curse of drugs, or read of the pernicious flood of pornography and immorality, do any of us doubt that these are the forbidden paths and rivers of filthiness Lehi described?”

Howard W. Hunter: “Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed. One who does not control his thoughts and thus commits adultery in his heart, if he does not repent, shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear (see D&C 42:23; D&C 63:16).”

Gordon B. Hinckley:  “While the matter of which I speak was a problem then, it is a much more serious problem now. It grows increasingly worse. It is like a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful. I speak of pornography in all of its manifestations. . . . The excuse is given that it is hard to avoid, that it is right at our fingertips and there is no escape. Suppose a storm is raging and the winds howl and the snow swirls about you. You find yourself unable to stop it. But you can dress properly and seek shelter, and the storm will have no effect upon you.”

Thomas S. Monson:  “Pornography is especially dangerous and addictive. Curious exploration of pornography can become a controlling habit, leading to coarser material and to sexual transgression. Avoid pornography at all costs. Don’t be afraid to walk out of a movie, turn off a television set, or change a radio station if what’s being presented does not meet your Heavenly Father’s standards. In short, if you have any question about whether a particular movie, book, or other form of entertainment is appropriate, don’t see it, don’t read it, don’t participate.”

Want to read more?  Go to http://conference.lds.org and click on the Search button.  Click on Advanced Search, type the word “pornography” and click the little box for “President of the Church.”  You will be given hundreds of references where living prophets have spoken out against the plague of pornography.

Since I can’t actually punch Satan in the face, even though I really, really want to, what can I do?  What can you do?  How can we fight?  Feel free to fill up the comment box with good ideas, good organizations, opportunities to fight, small ways to make a difference, support for those who are in the claws of this stupid beast, whatever moves you and will encourage others.  I’m not in the mood for despair or anger or bitterness, so let’s find ways to do what’s right and fight.

Here are my own ideas and suggestions.  I am not a professional.  I’m not even a stellar wife or mother.  But I have ideas and a desire to make a difference– at the very least, in my own family.

TO A MOTHER:  Talk openly with your children about pornography and its potential for harm.  Most men who are addicted to pornography are exposed to it at an early age.  Help them to understand Satan’s role and its opposition to Heavenly Father’s Plan.  Carefully choose a way that is age-appropriate to talk about what pornography is.  Maybe terms like “pictures or movies of people who are naked or very immodest”  and “showing people touching the private parts of bodies” are a good place to start.  After your discussions, when your daughter or son won’t look at the bra section of the store because they think it’s “pornography,” don’t worry about them being a little over-reactive.  Congratulate them for trying hard to keep their mind clean.  This is not about teaching people that the body is dirty; this is about helping children learn how to recognize and resist danger.  An excellent (and doctrinally sound) resource for teaching about sexuality in general can be found here.  Be a prude in monitoring family media intake, and don’t be ashamed of it.  Embrace your role as a guardian of virtue.  And be honest about it with your children.  “I changed the channel because the clothing was immodest and they were joking about sex.”  I love that Elder Holland quote (above in the article) about blasting a crater in your brain.  Matt recently taught the young men in our ward that pornography is the equivalent of dousing your spirit in gasoline and setting it on fire.  There will be that much pain, and that much scarring.  President Hinckley told mothers to teach their children to avoid it “like they would the plague.”

TO A WIFE:  If your husband has a heartbeat, he struggles with this on some level.  The world is cruel to him in its blatant temptation and oppressive titillation.  If he watched the Super Bowl, he’s seen pornography (for heaven’s sake, don’t get me started).  Talk to him about it.  Ask him how he’s doing:  What can you do to help him?  What steps can your family take to help him feel protected?  What measures does he currently use to avoid the temptation?  Be prepared to feel threatened a little as you learn what a real struggle it might be for him to stay unharmed by the storm.  Cling to each other a little tighter.  Express your love for him and your desire that he remain clean.  Encourage him to fight the hard fight.  Pray for him, and pray together.  Talk about your covenants and go to the temple often to remember them and reconnect to them.

TO A WOMAN:  Don’t hesitate to speak out against pornography when you see it.  Talk to store managers and write letters to TV providers and companies.  Express disapproval for that which is wrong.  Don’t be afraid to call a sin a sin.  Don’t fall into the trap of watching shows and movies or reading books that are only a little bit bad.  Steer clear of inappropriate media, period.  If you have the bandwidth to participate in organizations that fight the pornography industry, do it.  If you have money to contribute to the cause, give it.  Find something within your grasp and … grasp it.

TO A WIFE WHOSE HUSBAND IS ALREADY ADDICTED:  I am sorry.  I mean really, really sorry.  Some of the previous advice will apply, but so much of the recovery will depend very much on your husband’s ability to repent and make changes.  Work closely with your ecclesiastical leaders and qualified professionals.  All I can do is share a few resources that I am aware of.  And I can bear you my testimony that the pornography problem is not your fault.  While there may be things you can do to improve your relationship, your husband has fallen into a trap set by Satan, plain and simple.  The trap does not have to be a death sentence for your husband or for your marriage.  Seek out counsel and comfort from the Lord; He will help you to follow the right course.  No matter what, it will not be an easy course, but I know He will help you.

Available Resources:  (I cannot possibly recommend what will be the best for you and your situation.  Seek the Lord’s help and use the spirit of discernment as you research out possible tools to help in your recovery.)

LDS Church-sanctioned collection of resources:  http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/

New private (unofficial) forum for wives of addicts: http://www.hopeandhealinglds.com/forum/index.php

More resources for wives of addicts (more to come!): http://mormonwoman.org/2011/01/09/how-can-i-deal-with-my-spouses-pornography-addiction/

LDS resources on pornography: http://mentalhealthlibrary.info/library/porn/pornlds/index.html

Here’s the online support forum at cafemom: http://www.cafemom.com/group/1872/

Some personal stories:
http://mormonwoman.org/2011/01/30/pornography-addiction-personal-stories-index/

A book about addiction recovery: http://universe.byu.edu/index.php/2011/06/06/addiction-book-review/

Here is a link to a project that is raising funds for a film called “Shamed-A Documentary Feature Film.” It will address how shame and misconceptions about pornography and sexual addiction are huge obstacles in addicts coming forward and finding healing.  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/141091137/shamed-a-documentary-feature-film

Sites or resources that others have mentioned in the comments of some of my previous posts:

http://lifestarnetwork.com/

http://byutv.org/watch/49475abb-10d4-4f45-a757-7000b9945468

http://www.salifeline.com

http://www.rowboatandmarbles.org

http://www.wiveshelpingwives.blogspot.com

I just want to conclude with something else I know to be true.  Satan is powerful, but goodness is more powerful.  We have the power within us to withstand temptation and fight against evil.  We do.  So though the storm rages and the sledgehammer swings down upon us, the rock of our Redeemer will help us to stand.  Mothers, unite!  This is an army I’m proud to be a part of.

Traditionally, the prophet is the final speaker during the Sunday morning session of general conference.  It’s always exciting to hear what is the message that the living prophet will teach us.  It’s funny how we sometimes expect to hear something new and exciting, but the Lord uses his mouthpiece most often to remind us to lay hold upon doctrines that have been taught many times before.  There is power in this kind of repetition, though.  I always feel like the prophet is helping us to focus on what really matters most.  He points us to the doctrines that most have the power to save us, to protect us from the current ills of society, and to prepare us for the challenges to come.  I’m so thankful for a living prophet, and I know that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God.

President Monson’s message explores some of the shifting values of our world, and then testifies:

“Although the world has changed, the laws of God remain constant. They have not changed; they will not change.”

” I declare to you, however, that there is nothing which can bring more joy into our lives or more peace to our souls than the Spirit which can come to us as we follow the Savior and keep the commandments. That Spirit cannot be present at the kinds of activities in which so much of the world participates. . . .

As a means of being in the world but not being of the world, it is necessary that we communicate with our Heavenly Father through prayer. He wants us to do so; He’ll answer our prayers.”

How have these principles, and others he taught, blessed your life?  What changes do you feel like you can make to better heed the prophet’s counsel?  Share your thoughts or insights in the comments below.

To anyone who is checking out GCBC for the first time, the goal is to read one General Conference talk a week and discuss it together as an on-line “book club.” If you want to learn more, go here, and join the discussion here each week.

After all those serious posts the last few days about how January bites and the world is falling apart, I realized that those of you who just started visiting recently probably think I’m kind of a downer.  I’m lucky enough to know that most of the rest of you who have been around for a while know me a little better and can just roll your eyes and think:  She’ll be over it in a couple days.

So here’s a report about some things that are making me happy lately.

Last weekend, we went to St. George.  Matt took the kids and hung out with his dad, and I stayed by myself all day to write.  I’ve been working on a book for a while, but I really needed some alone time to catch up.  It was wonderful.  I learned so much and wrote a lot, and honestly felt the Spirit a lot.  It was a great dose of invigoration.

I’m sure a small part of my writing success was due to having these on hand:

Next: I like to give parties.  I am not a really good party giver because I never take the time to scan Pinterest or Google for ideas to make my parties all they could be.  I don’t really decorate or craft or do much of anything for parties because I kind of feel like great company is what makes a good party (plus I’m lazy).  I just like to create an excuse for people to get together and then I like to enjoy those people.  So for the last two years, I’ve planned some kind of girls’ night out for February (probably to recover from January).  These February girls’ nights seem to have a recurring theme.  Last year, a group of us went to see the play Persuasion at BYU. And eat of course.  The year before, I did something I loved in Minnesota called a J.A.M. party:  A Jane Austen Marathon.  It was so fun, and since I obviously don’t get sick of Jane Austen, I’m going to do it again this year.  So if you live near Happy Valley in Utah, or are willing to drive that direction, you’re officially invited to J.A.M. Party 2012.  Here is a geographical hint.  (I’m so cryptic.)

The party is not actually in this building, because, well, that would just be silly, but it gives you an approximate location.  It will be February 24th.  We will watch Persuasion, Sense & Sensibility, and Pride & Prejudice, all in a glorious row.  And eat of course.  Email me if you want more details (address is on the sidebar in the “Nice to meet you” paragraph).  Once I have used my superpowers to determine you are not a creep, I’ll give them to you (the details, not my actual superpowers).  So anyway, yay! I’m excited about that.

Moving on.  I have been loving the Ensign and general conference, but duh.  You already knew that about me.

You may have noticed that in the aforementioned overly-serious posts, I used the word “hard” a lot.  Today I  drove Natalie to gymnastics.  She was recently invited to be in a higher-level class which is, obviously, more difficult.  She’s only been a few times, and she has a little anxiety about it.  It’s not as easy and carefree as her little preschool gymnastics were, so she tried to convince me that she doesn’t like it.  The thing is, I know she does like it.  She does cartwheels, roundoffs, handsprings, etc. around my house endlessly.  She loves it when people watch her and tell her how great she is.  She’s just nervous about the new class.  So I started reassuring her in all the ways I knew how, trying to build her confidence.  I said, “Here’s one thing I know about you:  You can do hard things, and you are smart and strong.”  She held back a grin and stared out the window.  When we arrived at the gym, her nerves returned and she didn’t want to go in.  I helped her change into her leotard.  “No peeking,” I said, and then I grabbed a pen and took her hands.

While we walked into the gym, she kept looking at her hands and giggling.  I told her to look at her hands every time she felt nervous in her class.

Then I started thinking some more on the way home about the stuff I already wrote about.  And I started giving myself my own lecture.  “I can do hard things, too.”  I remembered that Sister Dalton talked about that once, so I looked it up and found it.

Last general conference, I was called by President Monson to be the new Young Women general president. As I stood in the presence of a prophet of God and was given this sacred trust, I pledged that I would serve with all my heart, might, mind, and strength. Prior to this calling, I had a small plate inscribed with a motto that read, “I can do hard things.” That little plate bearing that simple motto gave me courage. But now if I could change that motto, it would read: “In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.” 

And then I did something that will amaze you.  I made a printable. Or quote, or whatever.  I don’t know the real terms.  I only have the skill to make things out of Microsoft Word and Google Images, so if any of you have some old version of Photoshop you want to give away for Valentines Day, you know who to call.  Anyway, here it is:

(I was thinking about that one quote about not crashing your heart on the rocks of grief.)  So now that quote is making me happy, too.

Last item on the joy report:  I’m going to the temple tonight.  All those people I’m worried about are going right on the prayer roll, and Heavenly Father is going to take care of them.

How about you?  What’s making you happy these days?

I went to lunch several months ago with some friends.  During a side conversation, one friend said to me, “That’s the worst part about growing up: learning about everyone’s problems.”  I don’t even really remember the context of our discussion, but her comment has stuck with me.  It’s so true.  As a child, we have a very limited view of the world at large, and most of my memories are happy and carefree.  As we grow older and our view of the world around us expands, we are exposed to more and more pain, suffering, and sadness– sometimes our own, but often in the lives of others too.

Over the last several weeks, Matt and I have been struggling with watching people we know and love go through some really hard things.  Not just one or two friends, but several.  There are marriage troubles, there are health issues, there are fears and anxieties.  It has made us heavy-hearted, and frankly, a little discouraged.  We want to fix things and we just can’t.  We want to help, but feel so helpless.  It kind of makes us want to hide from the whole scary world so we don’t fall into the same pits, but where and how?  We start to wonder if everyone else on the planet has some deep, dark secret pain going on, and maybe we’re the only people who have “normal” trials, like bad days at work or budget woes or struggling to keep up with the demands of busy lives.  (Does anyone else feel like that sometimes?)  It of course puts your own trials into startling perspective, but it leaves you feeling a vicarious pain for what everyone else seems to be going through.  And even though your own life is relatively “easy,” it’s not easy to watch the pain that’s happening around you.  It hurts.

I’ve noticed it’s difficult to brush those feelings aside and deal with the matters at hand, like helping children with homework or finding socks or making dinner.  They have no idea about the hard things going on in the lives of friends and family.  You certainly don’t want to make it their burden either, but it’s hard to put on a happy face and go on like nothing’s wrong.  This morning, after I got the boys off to school, I tried to get Natalie occupied with her own activities so that I could just crawl back into bed and think.  Rest.  Decompress.  She kept coming into my room every 5 minutes to ask for help with milk or TV buttons or questions.  I was losing patience quickly.  It’s really hard to heal and mother at the same time.  I wasn’t very kind.

I don’t have any real answers to this.  I’m still working through it, but I wanted to share some of the things I’ve been thinking about and learning about in the meantime.  Yesterday, I had a rare opportunity to be in the car by myself in between some carpooling drop-offs and pick-ups.  I wanted something to listen to in the car that would help me focus my thoughts, and I remembered that I had an old general conference CD set somewhere.  I scanned the bookshelf in the office, found it, and grabbed it.  I really wish I had some kind of system in my car where I could just hook up my iPod and listen to whatever I want whenever I want, but I don’t.  And it seems really dumb to invest in that kind of stereo equipment when my van is pushing 160K miles.  Anyway, I had general conference CDs from 1998, and I popped them in and listened while I drove.

This morning I had to go to the dentist, and the CD was still in when I turned on the car.  I heard the end of one talk that was nice.  They had all been nice, but nothing had jumped out at me so far.  Then I heard this talk:  “Overcoming Discouragement” by Elder Val R. Christensen.  Here are some of the things that I learned:

Many of us face significant challenges. Even the great prophet Enoch experienced sadness when he viewed the wickedness of the world: “And as Enoch saw this, he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted; but the Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look” (Moses 7:44).

Even before he started explaining his three points, I knew that there was truth in them.  I felt the Spirit– enlightenment and hope.

By looking at a problem in a different way, it may be possible to reduce discouragement. I have been impressed with the pioneer story told about Zina Young. After experiencing the death of parents, crop failure, and sickness, she was encouraged with a spiritual experience that changed her attitude. While attempting to seek divine help, she heard her mother’s voice: “Zina, any sailor can steer on a smooth sea, when rocks appear, sail around them.” A prayer came quickly: “O Father in heaven, help me to be a good sailor, that my heart shall not break on the rocks of grief” (“Mother,” The Young Woman’s Journal, Jan. 1911, 45). It is often difficult to change circumstances, but a positive attitude can help lift discouragement.

One morning, several days ago, I got some bad news from one of my friends I’ve been worried about.  I lay in bed in the quiet early hours of the morning and my heart just hurt.  I could feel a real, tangible sadness.  While I thought about that pain, I was reminded of something I’ve taught many times before in a lesson about the Atonement.

“I believe, to use an insurance phrase, we must pay the deductible. We must experience sorrow enough, suffering enough, guilt enough so we are conscious and appreciative of the heavier burden borne by the Savior.” (Elder J. Richard Clarke, in Conference Report April 1993, 10)

In that moment, I kind of got it.  What I was feeling was just the tiniest piece of what the Savior felt when He took upon himself the pains of the world.  It was pain from sin, but also every kind of sorrow.  It is His pain.  Not mine.  Not hers.  It’s His.  He bought it with a price and I need to give it back to Him. I don’t need to keep it.  So, I determined then that all I can do is hand the burden back and then pay close attention to what He wants me to do.  He can show me how to help and how to move on.  So in the several days since, whenever I’ve felt the weight of sadness, I try to replay this same scenario in my mind and let it go.  Here’s another snippet from Elder Christensen’s talk:

I’ve talked about changing attitudes and receiving help from others. Now, let me mention the need to put more trust and faith in the Lord. I once talked to a woman who received help with her discouragement. While waiting for a temple session to begin, she picked up a Book of Mormon to read a verse. Her eyes fixed upon Alma 34:3: “And as ye have desired of my beloved brother that he should make known unto you what ye should do, because of your afflictions; and he hath spoken somewhat unto you to prepare your minds; yea, and he hath exhorted you unto faith and to patience.” The scripture in Alma was an answer to her prayer. The message was simple: the problem she faced was going to take a long time to solve. If we place a little more patience in the process and a greater amount of faith in the Lord, our challenges will find their way toward successful conclusions.

In the Doctrine and Covenants we read this: “If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful” (D&C 136:29).

Some of these things will take time to work themselves out.  I have faith that some of them really will work out just fine, but it may take a while.  There may be long periods of down before the up figures itself out.  So that’s what I’m working on right now: finding joy and optimism despite sad things happening around me.  When the talk was over, I turned to Natalie in the back seat and said, “Natalie, I’m sorry I wasn’t very nice to you this morning when I was in bed.  I was frustrated because I just wanted some rest, but I still should have been kind.  I’m sorry.”  She, being the epitome of childlike forgiveness, simply smiled and asked what was for lunch.

Anyway, I’m sorry if this post doesn’t have a cute little conclusion that makes it all better. I’m still working on it, but I wanted to share what I’ve learned so far, and hopefully it can be helpful to someone who’s dealing with or feeling some of the same things.

There’s been a lot of buzz lately about the “Mormon Moment” in the media.  It’s great when our doctrines and beliefs get more attention and become better understood.  One thing that we have a responsibility to do is to make sure that we respresent well the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and help people know what our church means.  Elder Ballard points out that the name of the church encompasses the heart of our doctrine and our identity, and he reminds us to use that name to teach people about who we are.

“Let us develop the habit … of making it clear that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the name by which the Lord Himself has directed that we be known.”

Share your thoughts or insights in the comments below.

To anyone who is checking out GCBC for the first time, the goal is to read one General Conference talk a week and discuss it together as an on-line “book club.” If you want to learn more, go here, and join the discussion here each week.

I probably owe you an apology. I do not like January. This stems in part from my deep-seeded disdain for cold weather.

I love Christmas time. But when it’s over, it’s all downhill for a little while.

I’m sorry this means there must be a significant decline in presents, vacation days, and festivities in general.
I’m sorry this means we have to return to routines like chores and homework and early bedtimes.
I’m sorry this means the period of un-rationed goodies is over (unless you’re me).

Another reason I don’t like January is we always get sick in January. Right now I can only breathe out of one nostril. During this past week alone, our house has been graced with coughing, fever, vomit, diarrhea, croup, congestion, and oh, another urinary tract infection.

Dirty dishes and dirty laundry piles sit a little longer in January. You may want to get used to me saying things like, “Who wants to make macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight?”

While some moms see January as an opportunity to rekindle their love affair with the gym, your mom sees January as an opportunity to eat Toaster Strudels and Reese’s peanut butter cups for lunch.

I just want to reassure you that I still love you. I wish I had any desire to play Princess Chutes and Ladders with you, but I don’t. I’m afraid that January is the one month out of the year that if you want to spend quality time with your mother, you probably need to start reading Pride & Prejudice, or take a sudden interest in Latin music, or save up your allowance for a trip to Europe or a warm location of your choice (or even better, my choice.).

I have no idea why you were so lucky to be born into my care, but I promise I’ll try harder to wade my way through January and be the kind of mom you deserve.  Remember that I’m a pretty rockin’ mom in the summertime.

Feel free to print out this picture and tape it on a Popsicle stick and wave it in my face as needed.

When you do, I will try really hard to count to ten in my brain and get over it.

Much love,

Your mother

P.S. Your dad is a rock star in January because he steps it up a lot, and he’s not nearly as irritable as I am.  I love him all year, but especially in January.

P.P.S.  I’m really not as pathetic as this letter makes me sound.  I do plenty of good stuff in January too.  Let’s just say that the ratio of good stuff is a little more sparse than usual, and I’m keenly aware of it.

P.P.P.S.  Would it be presumptuous of me to alter President Monson’s quote to say “Courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow [next month]‘”?

Personally, I go back and forth between needing to get out more and wondering if we should go in public less.

But that’s not the point of this post.

I just wanted to remind you of a really cool, legitimate reason to get out and mingle with, you know, adults.

All of my grandparents have passed away.  (I know it seems like I just abruptly changed subjects, but stick with me.)  I have a book about their lives that was written from memories of their children– my dad and his siblings.  I am amazed by their lives, but there’s one part that always makes me get a little choked up when I read about it.  My grandparents had nine children and not a lot of money.  I bet it was a hard living, and it must have been, because at one point my grandma had what was called at the time a “nervous breakdown.”  She was temporarily institutionalized and received the modern treatments that were acceptable then, like electro-shock therapy.  (Have you seen A Beautiful Mind? The thought makes me shiver.)  No one knows much about what that was like for her.  She returned home and resumed all her responsibilities and life went on.  I knew her as a loving, talented, spunky grandmother that made great pies and good hugs.  I loved her and I miss her.

And now here I am, two generations later, raising three little children of my own in the suburbs.  And some days I feel like I might “lose it” too.  The noise, the to-do lists, the finances, the responsibilities, the laundry, the cooking, the carpooling, the [fill in the blank with etceteras... you know what I'm talking about].  I think of her often and how much better I have it than she did, and I wish, just wish I knew more about her real feelings and what life was like for her as a young and inexperienced mother.  How did she make it past those dark moments and just move forward and become so . . . majestic and wonderful?

And in part, my friends, that’s the reason I blog.  I hope that by writing down my stories, my own truth, that someday my daughters or granddaughters will read it and sigh.  Sigh for relief, sigh for camaraderie, sigh for hope.  You know, feel a connection that gives them strength.  I really believe that stories have that kind of power.

So. (Tangent complete.)

There’s this conference coming up that celebrates the power of story.  Even simple stories, like the day-in-day-out details of our families and our ideas and our feelings.  Like our BLOGS.

It’s called the Story @ Home Conference, co-sponsored by FamilySearch, Cherish Bound, and the Casual Blogger Community. The conference is March 9-10, 2012 at Temple Square in Salt Lake City.  Two days of workshops, lectures, and entertainment, all about telling your stories, tracing and creating your family history, and all the wonderful technologies available to make it easy and fun.  And the December discount package is still available!  Some people I know and admire will be presenting there, so I know it will be worthwhile. Check out the website, and make yourself a date to get out of the house and learn more about telling your own story.

Facebook link
Conference link
Conference registration link

As promised, I’ve gathered my notes and tried to type up a summary of the fireside I recently taught (for both women and young women) called “The Beauty Paradox: The Surprising Relationship between Righteousness, Self-Image and Power.”  The link to my quotes, references and study materials is here.  Sorry, but there was no way to do this briefly and do it justice.  Grab a cup of cocoa and settle in for a while.

There is opposition in all things.

For everything good and powerful and designed to bring happiness, Satan creates a counterfeit.  He sets easy traps, and when we fall into them, we cannot enjoy what we wanted in the first place . . . the real deal.

Even when it comes to beauty.

People have many different opinions about beauty and modesty and self-image.  Even among members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I’ve found that some take modesty standards more seriously than others.  Some think that standards must be more closely followed and enforced, and some think that we should just teach general doctrines about the body and divine nature and stay away from specific standards.  Some think that women and young women should not be held responsible for what men think about their clothing choices, and others would argue that females should be taught to dress themselves modestly with a better understanding of the inner workings of the male psyche.  All these (and other) different approaches have valid points, but they make it quite difficult to teach principles of beauty and modesty without some serious inspiration.  Luckily, my inspiration came one morning during my daily devotional time, otherwise known as a shower.  After many weeks of study, the previous evening I had studied a talk by Sister Elaine Dalton where she taught about the principle of “deep beauty.”  The ideas began to flow, and I literally wrote them with my finger on the foggy shower door in hopes of not forgetting them.  When I finished, I wrote it all down as quickly as I could.  This is what came into my mind that helped me organize all the principles I had been reading and pondering:

I know it looks crazy, but it truly gave me the direction I was seeking.  I’ll start at the top, then left column, then right column.

Dictionary.com defines Beauty as:

“the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from [1] sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), [2] a meaningful design or pattern, or [3] something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).”

The first of the three defined sources of beauty-satisfaction is what makes up SURFACE beauty.  The last two fit more meaningfully in the category of DEEP beauty.  Surface beauty is the element of beauty that Satan has latched onto and the world-at-large has bought into.  Deep beauty is what God sees as beautiful and wants us to strive for.

Surface beauty is measured by outward appearances: usually by clothing, body, and makeup/hair.  These are the elements of beauty most embraced by our media culture and most flaunted by those who try to copy it.

Clothing: (It’s important to distinguish that from here on out, any advice to young woman can and should apply to adult women as well, and vice versa.)

Elder M. Russell Ballard spoke to mothers about their daughters and asked them to teach the following:

“Our daughters as well as your sons are coming of age in a world that openly embraces early, casual, and thoughtless promiscuity. Immodest, unchaste women are glamorized and all too often celebrated and emulated. While there are steps that we can take in our homes and families to minimize our exposure to these unsavory elements of contemporary living, your daughters cannot entirely avoid the blatant sexual messages and enticements that surround them. You need to have frequent, open discussions during which you teach your daughters the truth about these issues.

For example, they need to understand that when they wear clothing that is too tight, too short, or too low cut, they not only can send the wrong message to young men with whom they associate, but they also perpetuate in their own minds the fallacy that a woman’s value is dependent solely upon her sensual appeal. This never has been nor will it ever be within the righteous definition of a faithful daughter of God.”

Notice that he talked about sending the wrong message to young men.  A Catholic blogger recently wrote an article called “The Death of Pretty,” in which he lamented the prevailing trend to abandon “pretty” in favor of “hot.”

“Once upon a time, women wanted to project an innocence.  I am not idealizing another age and I have no illusions about the virtues of our grandparents, concupiscence being what it is.  But some things were different in the back then.  First and foremost, many beautiful women, whatever the state of their souls, still wished to project a public innocence and virtue.  And that combination of beauty and innocence is what I define as pretty.

By nature, generally when men see this combination in women it brings out their better qualities, their best in fact.  That special combination of beauty and innocence, the pretty inspires men to protect and defend it.

Young women today do not seem to aspire to pretty, they prefer to be regarded as hot. Hotness is something altogether different.  When women want to be hot instead of pretty, they must view themselves in a certain way and consequently men view them differently as well.

As I said, pretty inspires men’s nobler instincts to protect and defend.  Pretty is cherished. Hotness, on the other hand, is a commodity.  Its value is temporary and must be used.  It is a consumable.”

I remember talking to some young men that I taught in seminary and asking them if it was hard to fulfill and focus on their priesthood duties at the sacrament table if there were women and young women in the congregation that were immodestly/provocatively dressed.  They vigorously nodded their heads to the affirmative, and the young women in the room were surprised by their answer. Now, some may be on different sides of the argument about how responsible a woman should be for the way a man views her.  Regardless of where you stand on this issue, I think we can probably agree on a few simple principles as outlined in the Proclamation on the Family.  When the Lord sets forth the divine roles of women and men with regards to families, he proclaims that men are to “provide” and to “protect.”  I think it’s very interesting that these same concepts are mentioned by the blogger as being naturally inspired by the virtuous and modest appearance of women.  The proclamation also states that within our divinely appointed gender roles and interactions with one another, husbands and wives — and I think it’s safe to extend it to men and women in general — “are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”  We can, and should, help one another to be our very best selves and to fulfill our divine roles as outlined in the Proclamation.  While acknowledging that men are ultimately accountable for their thoughts and attitudes toward women, we can promote respect by showing respect for them and for ourselves. Modesty in dress is one way we can do that.

I want to back up a minute to Elder Ballard’s quote again and focus on the part where he says that when young women dress immodestly, “they not only can send the wrong message to young men with whom they associate, but they also perpetuate in their own minds the fallacy that a woman’s value is dependent solely upon her sensual appeal. “

A fallacy is a lie.  Satan is the father of lies.  And this particular lie happens to pretty much be his war cry where beauty is concerned:  “You have value if you are sexy.” (sensual, hot, spicy … whatever.)  So if we rely on the world’s definition of beauty– surface beauty– we buy into this claim:

Power = Sensuality/Sexy

This fallacy is also promoted in the world’s view of the body.

Body:

The prophet Joseph Smith taught: “We came to this earth that we might have a body and present it pure before God in the Celestial Kingdom. The great principle of happiness consists in having a body. The Devil has no body, and herein is his punishment.”

Sister Susan W. Tanner added (and I highlighted the part I really love):

“Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object.“

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke directly to young women (and women) in general conference, and said the following about current body-image trends:

Frankly, the world has been brutal with you in this regard. You are bombarded in movies, television, fashion magazines, and advertisements with the message that looks are everything! The pitch is, “If your looks are good enough, your life will be glamorous and you will be happy and popular.” That kind of pressure is immense in the teenage years, to say nothing of later womanhood. In too many cases too much is being done to the human body to meet just such a fictional (to say nothing of superficial) standard. . . . . In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children. At some point the problem becomes what the Book of Mormon called “vain imaginations.”

Makeup:

I don’t have much to say about makeup and such, but the TV and magazines sure peddle a lot of beauty products, don’t they?  I love what Elder Holland said:  “One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us.”

The world’s (and Satan’s) definition of beauty tries to convince us that only by using clothing, our bodies, and our looks can we have power and gain approval.  The approval that surface beauty seeks is the approval of men.  And women.  I have often wondered why women who are active Latter-day Saints, endowed in the temple, married (and therefore more informed on how men work) still choose to dress immodestly.  I do not think they are seeking attention from other men.  I think they seek attention and approval from women who have also bought into the importance of surface beauty.  I can’t fairly make any sweeping generalizations about this, but it’s important to ask the motive-question:  why would I choose clothing that portrays “sexy”?  It’s important to note that when we seek the approval of other people, that approval is fleeting and fickle.  Trends change, and we can easily find ourselves on a treadmill of shopping, beauty procedures, and self-absorption just trying to keep up with what the world of fashion demands.  Elder Richard G. Scott warned:

“Satan has unleashed a seductive campaign to undermine the sanctity of womanhood, to deceive the daughters of God and divert them from their divine destiny. He well knows women are the compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving power that binds together the human family. He would focus their interests solely on their physical attributes and rob them of their exalting roles as wives and mothers.”

In the end, surface beauty can get you NOTICED, but the attention you receive is likely based on what Elder Ballard called “the wrong message,” and is not, therefore, an accurate representation of who you really are or who God knows you can become.

Let’s move on to deep beauty.  Real beauty.  The beauty that your Heavenly Father sees in you and that can also be recognized and admired by others.  This beauty, by contrast, gets its power from virtue.  Satan’s version of power is a counterfeit of the power Heavenly Father can offer, and falls short of His glory.  Virtue is real power.  We often associate virtue with sexual purity, but it is much more than that.  It is the power of righteousness, accumulated drop by drop through obedience and faithful choices.  Remember when Jesus Christ walked through the street in a crowd, and a woman with an issue of blood wanted to reach him and be healed?  She stretched out her hand and touched the hem of his garment.  He quickly stopped and asked, “Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.” (Luke 8:46, see also 6:19)  Surely he didn’t mean that he had lost some portion of sexual purity, but that a real, tangible power had left him when the woman’s faith had drawn upon it.  This is the power of true virtue.  And when He gives us commandments and standards, it is with the purpose that we might become virtuous.  And powerful.  So, in the context of deep beauty:

Power = Righteousness/Virtue

Armor of God:

The world’s version of beauty tells us to put on sexy clothes.  Deep beauty tells us to put on the armor of God. When the First Presidency wrote the standards as outlined in For the Strength of Youth, they asserted:

“The standards in this booklet will help you with the important choices you are making now and will yet make in the future. We promise that as you keep the covenants you have made and these standards, you will be blessed with the companionship of the Holy Ghost, your faith and testimony will grow stronger, and you will enjoy increasing happiness.”

Since Satan has waged a war against our happiness and our safety, obedience to the principles in For the Strength of Youth can protect us like armor.  I have a deep testimony of a living prophet and apostles.  While some people may not want to focus on the dos and do nots of modesty, I cannot overlook that the First Presidency felt it was important enough to list some very specific guidelines in this pamphlet.  If it is worth the mention of a living prophet, those guidelines are worth following, even “with exactness”– the way the stripling warriors in the Book of Mormon obeyed the counsel from their leaders in a time of battle.  The guidelines state:

Prophets of God have continually counseled His children to dress modestly. When you are well groomed and modestly dressed, you invite the companionship of the Spirit and you can be a good influence on others. Your dress and grooming influence the way you and others act.

Never lower your standards of dress. Do not use a special occasion as an excuse to be immodest. When you dress immodestly, you send a message that is contrary to your identity as a son or daughter of God. You also send the message that you are using your body to get attention and approval.

Immodest clothing is any clothing that is tight, sheer, or revealing in any other manner. Young women should avoid short shorts and short skirts, shirts that do not cover the stomach, and clothing that does not cover the shoulders or is low-cut in the front or the back. Young men should also maintain modesty in their appearance. Young men and young women should be neat and clean and avoid being extreme or inappropriately casual in clothing, hairstyle, and behavior. They should choose appropriately modest apparel when participating in sports. The fashions of the world will change, but the Lord’s standards will not change.

Sister Silvia Allred, of the general Relief Society presidency, taught:

“One of the challenges members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints face today is obeying principles of modesty in an increasingly immodest world. Difficult though it may be, we can show our discipleship to the Savior Jesus Christ by obeying the Church’s standards of modesty. … For Latter-day Saints, the way we dress demonstrates our understanding of and commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ”

Elder Holland cautioned us to be so careful in our clothing choices:

“Choose your clothing the way you would choose your friends—in both cases choose that which improves you and would give you confidence standing in the presence of God. Good friends would never embarrass you, demean you, or exploit you. Neither should your clothing”

Now, a quick word about the temple garment.  The garment is sacred and is given to us as a shield and a protection from Satan.  Perhaps one of the ways that it protects us is in its function as a template for modesty.  The word template actually comes from the word temple, and means “a pattern or guide.”  If you have to adjust, remove, alter, or purchase the temple garment in a smaller size in order to wear your clothing, then that clothing is probably not modest.  If you have to adjust or pull or tug your clothing in order to cover the temple garment, then that clothing is probably not modest.  When we wear the temple garment as it is intended, we are truly “endowed” with power.

The For the Strength of Youth pamphlet makes the following challenge:

If you are not sure what is appropriate to wear, study the words of the prophets, pray for guidance, and ask your parents or leaders for help. Your dress and appearance now will help you prepare for the time when you will go to the temple to make sacred covenants with God. Ask yourself, “Would I feel comfortable with my appearance if I were in the Lord’s presence?”

Body + Spirit = Temple:

The world would teach us that the body is an object.  Deep beauty relies upon the doctrine that the body is a sacred vessel for the Spirit.  The scriptures teach that when we are righteous, the body is full of light.  This is what Sister Tanner taught about appropriate goals for our bodies:

“Happiness comes from accepting the bodies we have been given as divine gifts and enhancing our natural attributes, not from remaking our bodies after the image of the world. The Lord wants us to be made over—but in His image, not in the image of the world, by receiving His image in our countenances.  . . .
Our bodies are our temples. We are not less but more like Heavenly Father because we are embodied. I testify that we are His children, made in His image, with the potential to become like Him. Let us treat this divine gift of the body with great care.”

We should not strive for makeovers, but conversion. Such conversion brings us closer to Christ and gives us a better understanding of our divine nature.  Elder Holland echoed her plea:

“In this same vein may I address an even more sensitive subject. I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: “You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]”And in the kingdom of God, the real you is “more precious than rubies.”Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good. I mention adult women because, sisters, you are our greatest examples and resource for these young women.”

Repentance:

I know repentance seems like a weird fit here, but Heavenly Father gave me the word in the shower, so I’m going to roll with it.  The world tells us to use makeup and products to cover up our flaws.  The Savior teaches us to use repentance to wipe away our sins.  Imagine how much deeper our beauty could be if we would dedicate the same amount of time we usually spend on hair and make up to repenting of our sins.  Romans 4:7 says, “Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered.” Now that’s a cover-up worth having in your tool kit.

When we apply these principles of deep beauty, we are blessed with the power that comes from virtue.  We are filled with the light of Christ, and we are beautiful to God. (Some scriptures that helped me ponder God’s version of beauty can be found in 1 Nephi 11:15, 4 Nephi 1:10-12 and 15-16, Words of Mormon 1:8.)  I absolutely loved Sister Elaine Dalton’s testimony about deep beauty that she shared during the April 2010 Young Women’s broadcast.  To see the clip I shared in the fireside, begin the video at about the 7:10 mark and watch until the end.

[I cannot figure out how to embed it, but you can go here and then click "Watch" on the right side of the page to view the video]

In the end, surface beauty causes us to seek approval from mankind and to get power from the wrong source.  Deep beauty, however, earns the approval of of our Heavenly Father, plus self-approval and self-respect.  This approval is lasting and unwavering.  Our virtue gives us confidence.  If you can look in the mirror each day and look into your eyes at your deep beauty, and feel the love and power that comes from living the gospel of Jesus Christ, then you are prepared to face whatever challenges may come your way with confidence.  Surface beauty gets you noticed, but deep beauty makes you PRAISEWORTHY.  When you are virtuous, you are worthy of respect and you are an example to others.  You wear the countenance of Christ, and you can comfortably draw upon Him for power and confidence.

I know that Heavenly Father loves his daughters.  I know he wants us to live up to our divine privileges, to be safe, and to be happy.  I know that obedience to his commandments and standards as set forth by scriptures and living prophets will afford us the blessings and protection He longs for us to enjoy.

“Let us encourage every woman who questions her value to turn to her Heavenly Father and His glorified Son for a supernal confirmation of her immense individual worth. I testify that as each woman seeks it in faith and obedience, the Savior will continually prompt her through the Holy Ghost. That guidance will lead her to fulfillment, peace, and a consuming joy through magnifying her divinely appointed, sacred womanhood. I know the Savior will do that.”  — Elder Richard G. Scott

[Okay, guys.  This is crazy.  When I finished typing this up, I went to the For the Strength of Youth website to cut and paste some of the links/quotes that I used.  There was a new icon next to the Dress and Appearance section with a message that there is a new video available.  It was not there last week while I was preparing all of this.  It is called "Deep Beauty."  Go see it.  Chills.]

When I heard this talk in general conference, tears quietly rolled down my cheeks.  My poor husband probably thought he was failing miserably at her message; he wasn’t, but I just felt so touched that she was addressing this important subject in conference.  I felt so grateful for my good husband, for my good father, and for my sweet daughter.  I hoped my boys will someday grow into the kind of fathers that are found in their family’s legacy.  I loved Sister Dalton’s charge to fathers that loving their wives and being the guardians of their daughter’s virtue can bless young women in very important ways.  It’s so true.  There is nary an example of this kind of father in the modern media of today, and oh, how the girls need to see it in their own homes.

[http://youtu.be/tuyGiF7URpE]

“How can a father raise a happy, well-adjusted daughter in today’s increasingly toxic world? The answer has been taught by the Lord’s prophets. It is a simple answer, and it is true—“The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.”¹ By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her.”

Friends, this would be a great week to invite your husbands to join you in GCBC study.  What stood out to you as you studied this talk? Feel free to sing the praises of your own husband or father, and please express your love and appreciation to them.  If you are a single mother or do not currently have a husband that can carry out this role, what positive message can you still take away and learn from Sister Dalton’s talk?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.

To anyone who is checking out GCBC for the first time, the goal is to read one General Conference talk a week and discuss it together as an on-line “book club.” If you want to learn more, go here, and join the discussion here each week.

It feels a little indulgent, but several of you have asked about the notes from the fireside I taught last night, so I’ll work on a blog post in the next few days (after I breathe).  I saw one young woman recording the whole thing on her iPhone, so I wish I would have just asked her for a copy of it, but oh well.  Despite the nerves and the self-induced pressure to just get it right, I felt like it went well.  I’m satisfied when I can walk away from a teaching opportunity and say, “Well, that’s the very best I could do.”  You just hope it’s enough.  For those of you who expressed curiosity, this is what I wore.  (I know it was silly of me to post about that, and I really knew the right answer — which you were all so kind to share–, but you have to admit you’d feel the same way if you were going to stand up in front of a group of people as some kind of “beauty” expert.  Ha!  Even typing that made me laugh.)  Anyway, voila:

I know, I know.  “[Insert name of real beauty expert* here.], eat your heart out.”

*I couldn’t think of one since I’m so in touch with the fashion world and all.

In the meantime, if any of you are dying to study some great reference material about beauty, modesty, self-image and virtue, here’s a link to a list of things I studied in preparation for the talk.  There’s a lot of great direction available to us.  It made me realize that our leaders have given us a lot of clear direction, so it’s surprising that there’s still so much confusion.  I guess Satan does a good job of scrambling signals.

In other news, after several failed attempts to communicate to Clark my complete dissatisfaction with finding his recently-washed clothing back in his dirty clothes basket instead of put away, I finally decided to take a more practical approach.  I informed him on Sunday that he is now in charge of the laundry for a while.  I’ve spent the last couple of days teaching him the system.  They’ve always sorted their dirty clothes and put away their clean clothes (in theory), but I decided to let him actually wash them all, switch loads, dry them all, fold them all, etc.  This photo I took tonight shows you how happy he is about the new arrangement:

Well, that’s about it.  I’ll finish up with one of my favorite quotes I found while preparing for the fireside (thank you to my friend Velda for making it look pretty for me):

So, while I keep scrambling around today trying to get last-minute preparations done (get off the computer already, Stephanie!), I keep having this nagging question in the back of mind mind . . .

What exactly does someone WEAR to teach a class about beauty??!  I mean, you want to have some credibility, but you don’t want to overdo it and negate your whole message.  I’ve never met any of the people I’ll be teaching and they’ve never met me.  I’ve kidded myself in my mind about how they’ll probably expect me to pull up in a Mary Kay pink Cadillac or something and will be sorely disappointed when I roll in in a 10-year-old van with 158K miles on it and last week’s lunch leftovers in the back seat.

Maybe I should just wear sweats and a pony tail so they’ll all feel better about themselves.

Update: Please don’t look at any ads beyond this point.  I have no say in the ads that wordpress generates for my post, and I’ve been told some are inappropriate.

I love my scriptures like a friend.  If they were ever lost, I would be devastated.  I know that other scriptures without all my notes in the margins would be true too, but still.  I have not committed as much time to that friendship as I’d like, and I’ve been feeling stirrings in my soul to really go back to the Book of Mormon and rekindle that love for the word of God.  Those of us who have The Book of Mormon and love it often take for granted how valuable it is.  So much that we understand about God’s plan for his children and the doctrine of Jesus Christ are formed and founded upon the words of the Book of Mormon.  Together with the Holy Bible, it trumpets out the reality of a living Christ who has provided a way for us to be perfected in Him, and to return to our Father’s presence.  So mostly this talk by Elder Callister helped me to remember something again:  I know the Book of Mormon is true.  I’m so grateful for its teachings and how it is a conduit (for me) to the Holy Ghost and personal inspiration.

“[The Book of Mormon] is either the word of God as professed, or it is a total fraud. This book does not merely claim to be a moral treatise or theological commentary or collection of insightful writings. It claims to be the word of God—every sentence, every verse, every page. . . .

Together with the Bible, the Book of Mormon is an indispensable witness of the doctrines of Christ and His divinity. Together with the Bible, it “teach[es] all men that they should do good” (2 Nephi 33:10). And together with the Bible, it brings us to “one Lord, one faith, one baptism.” That is why the Book of Mormon is so crucial in our lives.”

What stood out to you as you studied this talk? What did the message make you want to do or change?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.

To anyone who is checking out GCBC for the first time, the goal is to read one General Conference talk a week and discuss it together as an on-line “book club.” If you want to learn more, go here, and join the discussion here each week.

Marriage seems to be the best opportunity we have to practice forgiveness and repentance.  It’s like a crash course in why we need the Savior.  Is anyone else as surprised as I am how easy it is to hurt or be hurt by the person you love the most?  Sometimes our list of demands is great, and we pay more attention to it than we do our list of goals and self-improvement or our list of blessings.

I have a husband who is very patient with my frequent bouts of grievances.  He rarely returns the “favor.”  He far surpasses me in patience and long-suffering.

I’ve seen a lot of marital discord among family, friends and neighbors.  Every time it pops up, I feel so sad and I realize that none of us is immune to Satan’s attacks on marriage and family.  I hold on to my own marriage a little tighter and open my eyes a little wider.

And, surprise, surprise, I start studying what the prophets and apostles have said because I’m a firm believer that whatever seems to be plaguing society at the time has probably been addressed very carefully recently by living prophets.  So far, that’s always been true for me; I find answers for whatever is heavy on my heart and mind.  Anyway, here are few great talks and thoughts I came across after I did a search for “marriage and the atonement” . . . .

From Celestial Marriage by Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:

Meanwhile, mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in a marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concerted effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness.

President Thomas S. Monson has said: “To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy.” ³⁴

Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities. When that really happens, a celestial marriage becomes a reality, bringing great joy in this life and in the life to come.

From Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:

I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. ³ Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts. . . .

Of course, there can be times when one spouse falls short and the other is wounded and feels pain. When that happens, the one who is wronged should balance current disappointments against the good of the past and the brighter prospects of the future.

Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10). Plead for the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord to forgive wrongs (as President Faust has just taught us so beautifully –see that talk here), to overcome faults, and to strengthen relationships.

If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony.

From Covenant Marriage by Elder Bruce C. Hafen Of the First Quorum of the Seventy:

Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But [Satan] drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. . . . .

May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. ¹⁴ And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy.

I need to do a better job of expressing appreciation and love.

What do you do to protect yourself against the “wolves” that attack marriage?  How do your covenants bless your marriage?

I was doing some studying this morning, and I came across this talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, delivered in April 2008 general conference.  I had the feeling that I should post it on the blog.  I don’t really know what to say about it.  I do not know if any readers have struggled or do struggle with pain that comes from abuse or misconduct at the hands of others (and I probably don’t need to know).  Perhaps it may be a tool for passing along this testimony to people in need.

Physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse, as well as others’ hurtful choices can leave people with deep scars and lasting pain.  I love what Elder Scott teaches here about Heavenly Father’s love and the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Here is a link to read the talk:  To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

Here is a video:

And some of my favorite quotes:

The rising tide of this vicious, abominable sin may not have touched your life personally. Yet it is pervasive enough in the world that it may have touched someone you love. It frequently causes such profound suffering— that can be overcome—that I want to speak of how healing can be attained. . . .

If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help.

Satan uses your abuse to undermine your self-confidence, destroy trust in authority, create fear, and generate feelings of despair. Abuse can damage your ability to form healthy human relationships. You must have faith that all of these negative consequences can be resolved; otherwise they will keep you from full recovery. While these outcomes have powerful influence in your life, they do not define the real you. . . .

Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. . . .

Parents, in appropriate, sensitive ways, teach your children of the potential danger of abuse and how to avoid it. Be aware of warning signs, such as an abrupt change in a child’s behavior, that may signal a problem. Be alert to a child’s unsettled feelings and identify their origin.

You know, once you decide to work on a goal, stuff happens and it becomes kind of hard. Take our family goal this year:  Try to Show Kindness in All That You Do.  Well, people do dumb things.  People say dumb things.  From where I stand, sometimes it looks like people live dumb things.  And, sadly, that makes it hard to be nice.  But like the song says, “I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right, you see.”  And so it is.  It’s right.  It’s hard, but it’s right.  So even though the first week of January made this feel particularly difficult, I’m going to keep trying.

I’m thankful for the Atonement, by the way.  I’m thankful that the Savior was so kind that he was willing to offer forgiveness even to people who intentionally hurt him.  And then he still offers forgiveness to those of us who get angry when people are intentionally mean to us or toward people or things we hold dear.  It’s hard to be kind and angry at the same time.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  I found out that kindness is much easier if I just give the angry back to Jesus and let him take care of it.  He always does if I let him.

Thanks so much to a sweet reader who stumbled upon my request for something to hang on my wall to remind me about my new goal.  In a quick whirlwind of talent and kindness, she created this printable (above) for me, and I love it.  You’re welcome to download your own copy here. Thanks, Jen!

Somewhere on Facebook, a friend also shared this video of the primary song that’s the source of the goal phrase.  It’s really quite lovely, and I felt the spirit confirming the simple, sweet message as I listened.  Hope it adds a dose of goodness to your day, too.

“At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice, but I try to listen as the still small voice whispers, Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do.  Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought.  For these are the things Jesus taught.“

Have a great week, friends.