While I’m not sleeping

This is a middle-of-the-night brain bleed of sorts.

I went to bed with a migraine and woke up with the remnants of a tension headache.  I’m guessing I must be a little stressed out, but I’m not really sure about what.

I have now deleted and restarted this point of my post at least a half a dozen times because I don’t want it to turn in to a list of my frustrations and challenges right now, especially because when I line them all up in my head, they pale in comparison to the “real” struggles I see other people going through.  Then I just feel wimpy, so that doesn’t help.  Plus, I don’t want my mom and others who know me well to read this and think, “Oh dear, Stephanie’s losing it,” because that would be embarrassing.  And it’s not true.  I think.  See?  I already want to delete this paragraph and start over again, but it’s 2:30 in the morning and I should really finish and get back to bed. (There’s definitely going to be a debate about whether or not to hit the publish button when I’m done with this one.)

So.

I’m going to be intentionally vague here.  Sometimes God tells you that you should do something that you’re not super comfortable with, but you do it anyway because you have faith that He will not lead you astray even if He will lead you away from what you think you want.  And if you’re naive (like me), you think that once you take that leap of faith, things will probably fall into place and God will bless you and it will all be just fine.  And it probably all will, still.  But in the meantime, it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be, and there are challenges you didn’t really expect at all, so you have to try hard to keep the same trust you had in the beginning when you closed your eyes and jumped.  And that’s not easy.  And maybe it makes you wake up in the night with a headache.

I’m totally going to change the subject now, because I think that will be helpful.

Last night, Clark taught our Family Home Evening lesson.  He’s six, by the way.  He used some leftover props/handouts from his last Primary class and did it all completely on his own.  It was about covenants.  At one point he said, “This is the third time I’m going to say this, but promises are really, really important.  You should really keep your promises, especially if they are with Heavenly Father.  You should never break them, but if you do break them, make sure you repent.”  My favorite part was when he said, “Heavenly Father never breaks a promise.   Sometimes people break promises, but that’s because they’re not perfect like Heavenly Father.”  I love that kid.

You know what?  I love my children a lot.  I have a fantastic husband.  We have a lot of really great blessings.  I wish I did a better job of showing love and gratitude where it’s due.  I just sat here and reread this post, and these are the thoughts that came to me:  humility and prayer, priesthood blessing, grace (I’m reading a book about this, and I’ll tell you more about it soon), and relax.  Go back to the trust.  And go back to bed.

Good night.

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23 thoughts on “While I’m not sleeping

  1. go back to bed is right! I write my best posts at like 4am so don’t worry, I understand.

    Jesus Christ always keeps his promises is one of my mantras to get me through life.

    I try to remember that. He kept that great big promise to come to earth and die for us. I cannot even keep a promise to myself to stick to my diet. But I rely on his and God’ unchangeable, truly rock solid reliability.

  2. Elder Holland gave a BYU devotional in 2000 entitled ‘Cast Not Away Your Confidence’ that literally changed the course of my life. Your late night worries reminded me, once again, of his powerful words. So, as much as I wish you weren’t up late last night, thank you for writing this post as it helped me remember. I hope that your stress is lessened this morning and that you get to squeeze in a nap!

  3. How funny, I was going to mention the same Elder Holland devotional. It changed the course of my life at the time he gave it, and I have gone back to it many times since when I find myself in the moments where I am barely hanging on.

    I love what Clark said. Our children sure do teach us, don’t they?

  4. Sorry for your struggles, Stephanie, but I do not think you’re a wimp. I don’t think we should ever compare someone elses trials to our own, however big or small they may be. Our trials are personally designed for US. They are what we need to grow.

    Thank you for this post (sorry for what you’ve been going through to feel this way) it really helped me to remember those same things that I have forgotten somewhere along the way… back to the trust and remembering how good I felt when I first made a decision and took the leap of faith. You are an amazing writer and you are able to convey your thoughts so well… I know Heavenly Father will bless you, the peace will come, you are helping so many with your faith and testimony.

    A quote I heard the other day that has really stuck with me, “Today’s trials are tomorrow’s testimony.” I know that’s easier said than done, I’m right there with you at the moment, but with faith all things are possible. :)

  5. Sometimes it really is hard to take that leap of faith. BUT, when we do, the Lord blesses us in unaccountable ways. I can testify to that.

    Hope you can see the light at the end soon. Hugs to you and your family. (ps…your son is awesome!)

  6. I have had very similar thoughts, but didn’t know quite how to formulate them into coherent thoughts. You said it beautifully. I’ll be sharing that paragraph about having faith, even when things come up that are unexpected with my husband tonight. We both needed to hear that. Thank you. ♥

  7. what an amazing 6 year old. I have a 6 year old…
    Sounds like you blessing list is long too.
    Oh the trials…
    I love this post. I love that we can see that we all have trials, and I love how talking through your trials and frustrations brought you right to your blessings. Oh so true, if we could all learn that!

    thanks for sharing.

  8. I guess I’m with you there. Trying to continue to have the same faith I had when I took the leap across the Pacific Ocean. To be honest… that same faith is just not there, but it’s ok because I’m still relying on Heavenly Father to get me through.

  9. That paragraph you wrote about doing what God tells you to and then having things be hard? That pretty much sums up the last 2 years of my life. I made a difficult decision that meant big changes for me and my family but I knew it was the right thing to do. (Priesthood leaders and blessings confirmed this to me.) I made the changes-took a huge leap of faith-and felt like I slammed into a brick wall. Instead of things falling neatly into place, life got more complicated and messier. Things went from hard to HARDER overnight. I kept wondering where all the divine help and blessings were. S-L-O-W-L-Y over time, some things started to happen that gave me glimpses of what the Lord might be trying to do for me, but day to day life was still HARD.

    Two years later, some things are better, but the process has required more hard decisions and more leaps of faith. I’m still not sure where this path is going to lead me, but I’m trying hard to trust in God and His ways.

    All of this is to say that I feel where you’re coming from. I am positive you are NOT a wimp, just overwhelmed and human. I’m right there with you. Hang in there. I think you’re awesome. I’m pretty sure God does too.

  10. I really hate that lingering echo after a migraine. Ick.

    And Clark is right. Heavenly Father never breaks a promise.

    And I really, really love that talk Elder Holland gave, it is among my favorites. This quote is the one I turn to lately when I’m feeling [that way]:

    “I am blessed, personally, beyond measure, and yet oddly enough I, too, struggle to feel His love for me every day. When I stack my obstacles against others’ they seem too frivolous to be authentic. And yet, this mortal existence is designed by a genius so that we will all, no matter our circumstances or parentage or gifts, have to exercise our agency to come to Him. And so though my problems may seem small to an outsider, they are big enough for me to desperately need Him.”
    -Virginia H. Pearce

    Sometimes I remind myself that when the unexpected happens, it isn’t like Heavenly Father is surprised and says, “Oh, I didn’t see that coming!” Just because it’s new information to ME doesn’t mean that suddenly the revelation I followed to start on this path is any less valid. Heavenly Father knew, and He directed me through the Spirit- and some days that’s all I have to go on and the best part is- it’s enough. Hang in there, and know you’re not alone in feeling that way. Hope you get a nap today. ;)

  11. I won’t pretend to know what you’re refering to in this post, although we’ve had conversations where there was a certain ‘theme.’ And I’m now staring down the barrel of very similar decisions. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a more difficult time saying “Yes” to something the Lord wants me to do.

    I think it’s wisdom that we’re given the opportunity to practice saying that word alot.

  12. Whoop dog, does this post have my name all over it. I’m really working on not stressing out abot my husband losing his job. It’s less than working… but I continue to try. Anyway, sometimes the smaller struggles seems just as gigantic as this one.
    It’s true.

  13. Wow, you have taught Clark really well. Add that to his innocence and his intelligence, and you have a great child on your hands!

    I’m sorry things are being/have been a little rough lately.

  14. Don’t you hate that? Being “stressed” out and you have no idea what you could be stressed out about?? That happened to me back in November/December/January, and I thought maybe I was preggers, but it just turned out I was STRESSED. I tried one of those therapeutic writing sessions (where you write down whatever comes to your mind, paying no mind to who might read it), and I found that I was a lot more stressed out about stuff I couldn’t control, and once I burned it, and talked to my husband about some stuff I couldn’t just tuck away in the unnecessary conversation folder in my head, I felt a lot better. Ever tried that?

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