This is a middle-of-the-night brain bleed of sorts.
I went to bed with a migraine and woke up with the remnants of a tension headache. I’m guessing I must be a little stressed out, but I’m not really sure about what.
I have now deleted and restarted this point of my post at least a half a dozen times because I don’t want it to turn in to a list of my frustrations and challenges right now, especially because when I line them all up in my head, they pale in comparison to the “real” struggles I see other people going through. Then I just feel wimpy, so that doesn’t help. Plus, I don’t want my mom and others who know me well to read this and think, “Oh dear, Stephanie’s losing it,” because that would be embarrassing. And it’s not true. I think. See? I already want to delete this paragraph and start over again, but it’s 2:30 in the morning and I should really finish and get back to bed. (There’s definitely going to be a debate about whether or not to hit the publish button when I’m done with this one.)
I’m going to be intentionally vague here. Sometimes God tells you that you should do something that you’re not super comfortable with, but you do it anyway because you have faith that He will not lead you astray even if He will lead you away from what you think you want. And if you’re naive (like me), you think that once you take that leap of faith, things will probably fall into place and God will bless you and it will all be just fine. And it probably all will, still. But in the meantime, it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be, and there are challenges you didn’t really expect at all, so you have to try hard to keep the same trust you had in the beginning when you closed your eyes and jumped. And that’s not easy. And maybe it makes you wake up in the night with a headache.
I’m totally going to change the subject now, because I think that will be helpful.
Last night, Clark taught our Family Home Evening lesson. He’s six, by the way. He used some leftover props/handouts from his last Primary class and did it all completely on his own. It was about covenants. At one point he said, “This is the third time I’m going to say this, but promises are really, really important. You should really keep your promises, especially if they are with Heavenly Father. You should never break them, but if you do break them, make sure you repent.” My favorite part was when he said, “Heavenly Father never breaks a promise. Sometimes people break promises, but that’s because they’re not perfect like Heavenly Father.” I love that kid.
You know what? I love my children a lot. I have a fantastic husband. We have a lot of really great blessings. I wish I did a better job of showing love and gratitude where it’s due. I just sat here and reread this post, and these are the thoughts that came to me: humility and prayer, priesthood blessing, grace (I’m reading a book about this, and I’ll tell you more about it soon), and relax. Go back to the trust. And go back to bed.